29
Apr

Real Programmers

  • Real Programmers dont eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate scorching Szechwan food.
  • Real Programmers dont comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
  • Real Programmers dont document. Documentation is for simpletons who cant read listings or the object code from the dump.
  • Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.
  • Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.
  • Real Programmers dont read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
  • Real Programmers dont write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who cant do systems programming.
  • Real Programmers dont write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
  • Real Programmers dont write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented Laymen who cant run a business, not a real program.
  • Real Programmers dont write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
  • Real Programmers dont write in PL/I. PL/I is for insecure anal retentives who cant choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
  • Real Programmers dont write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after puberty.
  • Real Programmers dont write in APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.
  • Real Programmers dont write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
  • Real Programmers dont write in Pascal, BLISS, Ada or any of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
  • Real Programmers dont write specs. Users should be grateful for whateverthey get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.
  • Real Programmers dont do flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterates form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
  • Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9 AM, its because they were up all night.
  • Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via MAIL.
  • Real Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in microwave ovens. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.
  • Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
  • Real Programmers dont play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
  • Real Programmers dont like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course they are the Chief Programmer.
  • Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
  • Real Programmers dont drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, or Pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
  • Real Programmers dont believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.
  • Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every Real Program. Candyass architects wont allow Execute instructions to address another Execute as the target instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
  • Real Programmers dont bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesnt sell it, they dont eat it. Vending machines dont sell quiche.

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