Looking back over the years that weve been together,
I cant help but wonder:…
— What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!…
— Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful you….
— have such an ugly baby?

Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
— After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
— I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
— that youre not here to ruin it for me.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me…
— Like the need for therapy.

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!

Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— Youll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.

You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said youd die for me…
— Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?

Im so miserable without you…
— Its almost like youre here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
— Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
— Id miss you heaps and think of you often.