The Rodney files:

My daughters like Federal Express. When she meets a guy she just absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

A girl phoned me the other day and said … Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work … I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy … Hey buddy … why are you doing that for? He said … Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning … put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Im afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Once when I was lost … I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him … do you think well ever find them? He said … I dont know kid … there are so many places they can hide.

My psychiatrist told me Im going crazy.I told him … If you dont mind Id like a second opinion. He said … Alright … youre ugly too!