Ronald macdonald

I should state that Ronald MacDonald is probably a registered
trademark of the MacDonalds Restaurant Corporation of
America or something.

I recently saw an advertisement for MacDonalds. In it, a young
girl is talking to Ronald MacDonald. The setting is somewhere
in North America, most likely, judging from the accents and
scenery. The girl says shes running away to MacDonaldLand,
and Ronald says, MacDonaldland? Thats where Im from.

Suddenly, it all made sense. Why is Ronald MacDonald, the
grotesquely made-up and attired being, so far from MacDonaldland,
the only place where he could fit in? Obviously, hes in exile.

A few years ago in MacDonaldLand, Mayor McCheese, having grown
paranoid and megalomaniacal in his years secluded in his
mayoral residence, declared a state of emergency. He rationalized
this act by pointing out increased felonious activities by the
Hamburgler, and obliquely referring to rumors that those French-Fry
Weasels (whose names I forget) were carrying some sort of disease.
Mayor McCheeses brother, the police officer with a similarly
hamburger-shaped head (whose name I also forget), rounded up the
Hamburgler, the Hamburglers family, business associates of the
Hamburgler, the French-Fry Weasels, and any life forms in MacDonaldLand
who veered too much from basic hamburger-humanoid form. These
purges were justified by a new theory of eugenics, which stated that
large, round, flat heads with lettuce in them are signs of a higher
form of life, a sort of Hamburgerubermensch, who were divinely
granted sole political power of MacDonaldLand. Obviously, Ronald
MacDonald, not being a Hamburgerubermensch, did not fit it, and yet
the people would not accept his execution, since he was beloved by
all and besides his great-grandfather, Helmut MacDonald, founded
MacDonaldLand, so instead of being killed or forced to work in the
salt mines with the other victims of the purges or being ground
into a paste and turned into Big Macs for sale abroad, he was exiled
to the United States, due to the friendly relations the United States
had always had with MacDonaldLand, a result of the tireless efforts of
the US Ambassador to MacDonaldLand, Ray A. Kroc.

But then, why would Ronald MacDonald just casually try to talk
the young girl out of running away to MacDonaldLand, instead of
sternly warning her against the dangers there? Obviously, he
harbors a great resentment against Americans. Perhaps he is
angry that we did not intervene and stop the human rights abuses
perpetrated by Mayor McCheese (after all, the declaration of
a state of emergency did happen during the Reagan Presidency),
or perhaps hes just a snob. Stupid Americans! he mutters
to himself at night, as he sits at his formica table while drinking
cheap coffee and reading the only MacDonaldLand-language newspaper
printed in the U.S., they dress like fools! Drab colors…no
bright yellow smocks or oversized red shoes…and like barbarians,
they do not paint their faces! When I show them the sign of
the arches, they stare at me as if Id gone mad! Were they
educated with pigs? Late at night, he hangs around the mini-
playgrounds built outside of MacDonalds franchises. It is,
so little, he whispers, before taking a swig of bourbon from
a bottle he thinks hes hiding in a paper bag, but it reminds
me of home.

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