A short while ago, someone posted the annual scientific analysis of the Santa Claus story, which can be summed as as Santa Claus — he dead. Traumatized, I forwarded it one to my friend, Joe Beirne, who knows more about science than I do. He returned this rebuttal. As far as I can figure it, Santa lives. It is we that are an illusion.

heres the answer:

———- Forwarded message ———-

Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996

From: Joe Beirne

To: Michael Pollak

Subject: Re: The scientific view of Santa

Santa is probably a creature entirely existant only in the 23rd dimension. Mass, velocity and time have no measurable effect on his efforts on Christmas. As a matter of fact, true-to-legend, in his sub-atomic world it is *always* Christmas. He has essentially forever to deliver the presents, which he unfolds to 4 dimensions using some kind of gravity well (?) (He probably does not live on the North Pole per se, but on one pole of a dipole quantum singularity from whence he focuses his present-sending.)
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What we call reindeer are, I think, 3-dimensional shadows of 10-dimensional structures that act as transfer particles for the vast amounts of energy needed to re-integrate the toys at the macro-universe scale, and the sleigh is very likely a quantum confinement vessel that absorbs the shock-wave of re-integration when they come down the chimney.

Where do the presents come from, preserving the 2nd law of thermodynamics? They are the residue deposited by the negative entropy created by Santas faster-than-light communication with the good little children in this universe.

The anthropic principle (ie: the present universe has the physics it has only because there are 3 dimensional people here to observe it) is slightly wrong: This universe actually exists to keep the 23 dimensional Santa employed during the holidays.

Sincerely,

Mr. Know-it-All

PS. Santa delivers plenty of toys to Jews & other heathen, but they lack the kind of stubborn credulity required to buy this kind of story.