17
May

Statistics for the Usenet Troll

Climate/Terrain: Any Usenet
newsgroup
Frequency: Common
Organization: Thread
Activity cycle: Any
Diet: Lusers
Intelligence: Low (3-5)
Treasure: None
Alignment: Chaotic evil
(neutral)
No. Appearing: 1
Armour Class: n/a
Movement: c
Hit Dice: 100
THAC0: n/a
No. of Attacks: n/a
Damage/Attack: n/a
Special Attacks: See
below
Special Defences: See
below
Magic Resistance: 100%
Size: Exists as mental force
only
Morale: Elite (14)
XP Value: 1,800

The Usenet troll (Trollicus useneticus bloodyirritatingus) is an evil
mental parasite found in all areas of Usenet, where it preys upon the
brains of lusers (Homo stultissimus). Most clueful people avoid these
creatures, since Usenet trolls know no fear and attack unceasingly,
demanding responses from their prey.

Usenet trolls are immune to flames (Flammae useneticae), which is
unfortunate, as most will try to attack them with these first. In fact,
when a troll is attacked flames, it will actually be able to use these
flames to create more, which it will hurl back at its unfortunate
attacker. Long-lived trolls may be able to render an entire newsgroup
uninhabitable with all the flames it creates.

The only form of attack a troll has is its ability to incite responses,
which it needs to feed from; hence, the best way to defend yourself
against a troll is simply to ignore it. Deprived of nourishment, it will
soon starve.

Ancient legends (found in The Book of 1036) hint that a
Usenet troll may be vulnerable to the Spell of Cancellation,
but this powerful incantation would have to be applied swiftly after
the trolls birth; once engaged in battle, few survive unscathed.

By Alistair Young

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