To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

We will wake the children…….17 times Its too late…….15 times Im too tired…….5 times Its too early…….52 times Its too hot…….15 times Pretending to be asleep…….49 times Window open the neighbours will hear…….9 times Backache…….2 times Headache…….16 times Sunburnt…….10 times Your mother will hear us…….6 times Not in the mood…….21 times Will wake the baby…….17 times Watching the late TV show…….7 times Too sore…….9 times New hairdo…….4 times Wrong time of the month…….4 times You had to go to the toilet…….9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat…….7 times Didnt come home…….29 times Didnt come…….14 times Came too soon…….26 times Went soft before you got in…….18 times Toes in cramp…….9 times Working late…….49 times Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat…….21 times In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls…….4 times Caught it in your zipper…….6 times Got a cold, your nose keeps running…….14 times Brewers droop…….95 times Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue…….9 times Had a splinter in your finger…….4 times Lost the notion after thinking about it all day…….13 times Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book…….8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasnt talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?

The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.