10
Feb

Surviving dull sermons

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
See if a yawn really is contagious
Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with A then B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on Q unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Pretend to be 4 years old .
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Think about your chin for an entire minute.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbours thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Practice smiling insincerely.
Make grunts randomly during the sermon. Act as if it wasnt you.
If any of the people singing have extremely unique voices, try and imitate them.
If possible, rig a mic in the bathroom.
Then, go to the bathroom, disguise your voice, and say strange things into the mic. Examples: Wowie! Big Daddys coming to town!, Oh my gosh, thats my lego!, Oh no, not blood again!, Diablo! Diablo! Diablo!
If you have

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