Telltale signs that youre being stalked by Martha Stewart

  • You get a threatening note made up of letters neatly cut out of a magazine with pinking shears;

  • You find a slice of lemon floating in your dogs dish;

  • Every napkin in your house has been folded into the shape of a swan;

  • On her TV show she makes a replica of your home out of gingerbread, including your fallen-down licorice downspout and stuck-half-open, graham-cracker, garage door;

  • You find your pet bunny simmering on the stove in an exquisitie, tarragon, rose-petal and saffron demi-glace.

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