28
Sep

Terms used by employers explained

Here is a table of terms used by headhunters and orher people who are hiring new folks:

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITIONYoull be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANYYoull be making under $7 an hour; well be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANYWe want you to get your hopes up, but theres no chance in hell well be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLANOnce its shared between the higher-ups, there wont be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARYWe remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANYWe have no time to train you; youll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADERInc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we havent done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENINGThe person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. Were just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTERWere not going to supply you with leads; theres no base salary; youll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATEDManagement wont answer questions
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITSAfter 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITSAfter 3 years, well allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, well give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE…who still live with their parents and wont mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHEREWe dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENTWe have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENTGuys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAMWe all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENTYour coworkers will be insulted if you dont drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENTWe booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTEDYoull be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIREDIf were in trouble, youll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIREDSome time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32kWell offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITIONYoull give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURSWork 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARYAnyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUEDThose who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAILWe have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERREDUnless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASEWeve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCEYoull need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUSTYoure walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLSYoull have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLSManagement communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOADYou whine, youre fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANYWe loooooove brown-nosers.

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