The ACLU vs. Santa Claus

CHICAGO – The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights
of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge, stated that, Mr. Claus
has been violating childrens right to privacy and has been putting that
information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law
enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are
considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the
childrens rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and
other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr.
Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs.

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which reads,
in part:

You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better not pout.

Im telling you why:

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping

He knows when youre awake,

He knows when youve been bad or good,

So be good for goodness sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from a worker in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus organization, clearly shows a
concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of
the information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice
Department stated that, We believe a large number of parents, ministers,
and teachers are involved in this business, and we expect several of them
will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence. In
addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the
Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of
Mr. Claus, our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else, paying
any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr.
Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union, we believe
he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His supporters
are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no
way, be taken as a for of mind control or a violation of the civil
rights of children.
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country with which the United States
currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at
the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his North Pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department
will discover they have no basis.
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus Christmas travels this year.

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