A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasnt there and the next day she was.

She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part but, whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her to stop it but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening.

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, no! Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go the ATM and draw one hundred dollars and a few days later, it is all gone. I certainly dont spend money that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me. You would think she would use some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it!

And money isnt the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate, too, especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I just cant seem to keep that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet tooth. But shed better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she really is quite childish. She likes to play these really nasty games, like going in to my closets when Im not home and altering my clothes so they dont fit. Or messing with my files and papers so I cant find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record.

She has found many imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I cant see it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls to my TV, radio and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things, like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Furthermore, she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I dont even get any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as if that werent bad enough, she is no longer confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak in my car and follow me everywhere I go.

She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the same exact outfit and stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me.

Just when I thought she couldnt get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken and, just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me! Who is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me??

She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I shouldnt be too hasty. I think I will check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.