22
Jan

The Five Levels Of Drinking

The 5 Levels of Drinking



Level 1:



Its 11:00 on a weeknight, youve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have



work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed



friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I



get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), Im cool.





Level 2:



Its midnight. Youve had a few more beers. Youve just spent 20 minutes arguing against



artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level



2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now youre thinking, Hey! Im out with



my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long



as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), Im



COOl.





Level 3:



One in the morning. Youve abandoned beer for tequila. Youve just spent 20 minutes



arguing for artificial tuff. And now youre thinking, Our waitress is the most beautiful



woman Ive ever seen! At level 3, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you



buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get



drinking fantasies (like, Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together



forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.) But at level 3, that devil is a little bit



bigger.., and hes buying. And youre thinking



Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep.., and a complete change



of blood (snaps fingers), Im cool.





Level 4:



Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of



rum and a Coke. You are artificial tutti. This time on your way to the bathroom, you



punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you dont like his face! And now



youre thinking, Our busboy is the best looking man Ive ever seen. You and your



friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an at, er



hours bar. And here, at level 4, you actually think to yourself, Well …. as long as Im



only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well …. stay up all night!!!! Yeah!



Thatd be good for me. I dont mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith



Richards. Yeah, Ill turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get



31 hours sleep tomorrow ………………. cool.





Level 5:



Five in the morning, alter unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo



parlor (But I dont even know anybody named Ruby!!!), you and your friends wind up



across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that



morning. Its the kind of place where even the devil is going, Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta



be in Hell at nine.Ive got that brunch with Hitler, I cant miss that. At this point,



youre ail drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon



wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, Someday



Im gonna marry that girlt! One of your friends stands up and screams, Were drivin to



floridaf Y!!!- and passes out.



You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 –



the sun. You werent expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out ora bar in



daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and



they know. And they say… Whos Ruby? Lets be honest, if youre 19 and you stay up



ail night, its like a victory, like youve beat the night.., but if youre over 27, then that sun



is like



Gods flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, I swear, I will never



do this again (how long?) as long as I live! And some of us have that



little addition, and this time, I mean it!

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