Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; shes a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; youre so sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie daks while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse. When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes her indoors

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

Addictions

Before:

You tell her you dont mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that youve taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After:

For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that youre just being you.

Bodily functions

Before:

You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After:

You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think its hilarious.

Relations/Friends

Before:

Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think isreally nice.

After:

Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldnt mind slipping her one if the opportunity arose.

Sex

Before:

Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck to impress, using all your tricks – your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking four times a day is not uncommon.

After:

A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

Attention span

Before:

Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After:

Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesnt involve you. Whats more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, Are you listening to me? becomes an evening mantra.

The flip side

Before:

She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships … but she suspects that youre full of shit.

After:

She knows youre full of shit