05
Apr

The Internet Explained

The Internet Explained

(This is a VERY long joke – but quite amusing)





NOTE: This is a pretty long piece, but we figured that if youre stuck in the office or at home for the weekend, you have some time to kick back and read. Its really good

So here it is – The Internet Explained



Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?

A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,

business, and private computer systems.



Q. Who runs it?

A. A 13-year-old named Jason.



Q. How can I get on the Internet?

A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular

commercialon-line services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America

Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just

leave your house unlocked, theyll sneak in some night and install their

programs on your computer when youre sleeping. They really want your

business.



Q. What are the benefits of these services? A. The major benefit is that

they all have simple, user-friendly interfaces that enable you-even if

you have no previous computer experience-to provide the on-line services

with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your

credit card bill forever.



Q. What if I die?

A. They dont care.



Q. Cant I cancel my account?

A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.



Q. How?

A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for

ears to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do,

the charges keep appearing on our bills. Were thinking of entering the

Federal Witness Protection Program.



Q. What if I have children?

A. Youll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.



Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?

A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to

the on-line service right now.



Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once Im connected

to an on-line service?

A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!



Q. Like what?

A. You can … ummmm … OK! I have one! You can chat.



Q. Chat?

A. Chat.



Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.

A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over

the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are

boring and stupid!



Q. Sounds great! How does it work?

A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some

areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest

groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay

Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having

Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can

contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake

names such as ByteMe2 so nobody will know their real identities.



Q. What are their real identities?

A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in

all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers

to wranglers, from actors to athletes – you could be talking to almost

anybody on the Internet!



Q. Really?

A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed

13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,

singers, etc.



Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? A. Most chat-area discussions

revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the

chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody

lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is

interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to

women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, heres

a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this

scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):



LilBrisket: Hi everybody

Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket

Toadster: Hi Bris

Lungftook: Hi B

LilBrisket: Whats going on?

Toadster: Not much

Lungftook: Pretty quiet



(LONGISH PAUSE)



Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?

LilBrisket: No

Toadster: Nope

Lungftook: Sorry



(LONGISH PAUSE)



UvulaBob: Hi everybody

Toadster: Hi UvulaBob

Lungftook: Hi Uvula

LilBrisket: Hi UB

Wazootyman: Hi U

UvulaBob: Whats happening?

LilBrisket: Kinda slow

Toadster: Same old same old

Lungflook: Pretty quiet

Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties

LilBrisket: OK, but Im a man



(LONGISH PAUSE)



Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?

UvulaBob: No.



(LONGISH PAUSE)



Lungftook: Well, gotta run.

Toadster.- bye, Lungflook

LilBrisket: Take er easy, Lungster

Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung

UvulaBob: So long, L



(LONGISH PAUSE)



PolypMaster: Hi everybody

LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster

Toadster: Yo, Polyp

UvulaBob: Hi, P

PolypMaster: Whats going on?

LilBrisket: Not much

Toadster: Pretty quiet

UvulaBob: Kinda slow …



And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the

ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some

fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or

not PolypMaster comes from Texas.



Q. Ive heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have

cybersex. What exactly is that?

A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other,

back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter,

faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD

they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get

my drift.



Q. Thats disgusting!

A. Yes.



Q. Could you give an example?

A. Certainly:



Born2Bone: I want you NOW

HunniBunni: I want YOU now

Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes

HunniBunni: Yes! YES!

Born2Bone: Im taking off your clothes

HunniBunni: OH YESSSS



(LONGISH PAUSE)



HunniBunni: Is something wrong?

Born2Bone: I cant unhook your brassiere

HunniBunni: Ill do it

Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! Im touching your, umm, your…

HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?

Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! Im touching them!

HunniBunni: YES!

Born2Bone: Both of them!

HunniBunni: YESSS!!

Born2Bone: Im taking off your panties!

HunniBunni: You already did.

Born2Bone: Oh, OK. Youre naked! Im touching your entire nakedness!

HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?

Born2Bone: No

HunniBunni: No

Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!

HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING

BULL STALLION!

Wazootyman: Hey, thanks

HunniBunni: Not you

Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM



THRUSTING MY … MY … ummm …

HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?

Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR … YOUR…

HunniBunni: Promise you wont laugh?

Born2Bone: Yes

HunniBunni: My passion persimmon

Born2Bone: Ha ha!

HunniBunni: You promised!

Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF

LOVE

INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON! HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!

Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!

HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!

Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE …

HunniBunni: Like what?

Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD … OHMIGOD …

HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!

Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE… IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN

THE SENATE!

HunniBunni: What did you say?

Born2Bone: Whoops

HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?

Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was …

HunniBunni: This is you, isnt it, Al? ISNT IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU

WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!

Born2Bone: Tipper?

HunniBunni.- Whoops



Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet? A. You can join

one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss

political topics of the day.



Q. Like what?

A. Barry Manilow.



Q. Theres a forum for Barry Manilow?

A. Theres a forum for everything.



Q. What happens on these forums?

A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about

how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting

messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes

the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate

Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry countermessages and vicious

name-calling that can go on for months.



Q. Just like junior high school!

A. But even more pointless.



Q. Are there forums about sex?

A. Zillions of them.



Q. What do people talk about on those?

A. Barry Manilow.



Q. No, really.

A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often youll

find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human

understanding.



Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.

A. It is.



Q. What is the World Wide Web?

A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you

can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite

range of topics. This information is stored on Web pages, which are

maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special

software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen

to all kinds of cool stuff.



Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?

A. Its easy! Suppose youre interested in buying a boat from an

Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and

specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up

your World Wide Web software and type in the companys Web page address,

which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters

like this:



http//:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum





Q. What if I type one single character wrong?

A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.



Q. Ah.

A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press

Enter, and there you are!



Q. Where?

A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen.

It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean

in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to

what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of

light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles..

It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at

the boats in person.



Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?

A. Heck no! If youre willing to be patient, youll find that you can

utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you

never before dreamed possible.



Q. For example?

A. For example, recently I was messing around with a Web browser, which

is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace – millions

of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You

can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the

Internet about that topic; its an incredibly powerful research tool.



Q. That is truly beautiful.

A. Yes. And its just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny

fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff

out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on

there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Dont be afraid! Be like the

bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address:

ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters,

fearful of what

you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime

saying: If you dont leave the land, then youll probably never have a

chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from

the mucous membranes.



So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier,

with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the

betterment of the human race!



Wazootyman is waiting for you.

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