The Jackass Story

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Dont take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *dont* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, Hello?
I politely said, This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldnt believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robins correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, Youre a jackass! and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word jackass, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, Id call him up.
Hed answer, and Id yell, Youre a jackass!
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, Hello. I made up a name. Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and Im just calling to see if youre familiar with our caller ID program?
He went, No! and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre a jackass!
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if theres ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didnt think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, shes finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, You cant just do that, Buddy. I was here first! The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didnt even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guys a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."
I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, Im at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, Youre a jackass! (Its really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought Id better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, Hello.
I said, Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?
Yes, it is.
Can you tell me where I can see it?
Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. Its a yellow house and the cars parked right out front.
I said, Whats your name?
My name is Don Hansen.
Whens a good time to catch you, Don?
Im home in the evenings.
Listen Don, can I tell you something?
Don, youre a jackass! And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansens number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasnt as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, Hello.
I yelled Youre a jackass! but I didnt hang up.
The jackass said, Are you still there?
I said, Yeah.
He said, Stop calling me.
I said, No.
He said, Whats you name, pal?
I said, Don Hansen.
He said, Where do you live?
1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my black Camaros parked out front.
Im coming over right now, Don. Youd better start saying your prayers.
Yeah, like Im really scared, Jackass! and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, Hello.
I said, Hello, Jackass!
He said, If I ever find out who you are…
Youll what?
Ill kick your butt.
Well, heres your chance. Im coming over right now Jackass! And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! Name withheld to protect the guilty.

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