The joys of Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.

Ive been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tommorow Ive got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, Ive got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.

Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

Ive had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles The eggnog is ready!

He looks all around and with total regret,
says Whats taking so long … arent you through in here yet??

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit its the pies!! Theyre burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, Id rather be dead.

Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.

Ill hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesnt work, ILL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

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