The mortgage letter

To Whom It May Concern:

After nine weeks and many phone calls, I am writing this letter to discuss a few items that the underwriter has not yet brought up (but probably will).

I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party. Neither my parents nor my grandparents were ever members of the Communist Party. I was born seven months after my parents were married. I hope this doesnt disqualify me for the mortgage, I will have my mother and father send a letter to you explaining how this happened if you feel it is necessary.

I am not a bed wetter or a homosexual.

I have no religious affiliation. If this is a problem, I will get a letter from a priest, minister, and rabbi stating they will let me join up if you feel it is necessary.

I want to apologize for having $36,000 in the bank account that I reported having $8,000. I guess if the underwriters find out that I have over $100,000 spread out in other banks and investments, I never will get the mortgage. I also want to apologize for only putting $55,000 down on a $115,000 house. Im really concerned because my wife and I are earning only $78,000 this year. If you decide this is not enough, I will be happy to take a part time job at night at Roy Rogers. I will have the manager at Roy Rogers send you a letter if you feel it is necessary.

I am a registered Republican. I know this may not sit well with the underwriters who are Democrats. My only defense for this is anytime you see a man driving a Jaguar, wearing $600 custom made suits, $165 Gucci loafers, $70 custom made shirts, wearing a $2000 diamond pinkie ring, a $750 Cartier watch, carrying a $265 cigarette case and a $400 attache case he is either a Republican or a dope dealer. I am not a dope dealer and will send you a letter stating so if you feel it is necessary.

There are three things that concern me:

When you buy a mattress there is a label that says Do not remove under penalty of fine or imprisonment. Im sorry! It was a rash, impulsive thing for me to do. I was only a kid at the time. I promise I will never do it again.

In February of 1934 my grandmother missed a payment to Sears. She is dead, but I will have the undertaker send you a letter explaining why she cant send a letter explaining her delinquency if you feel it is necessary.

On April 14, 1968 I got a traffic ticket. I will certainly send a letter on this one. However, the real problem is that the police officer who issued the summons was divorced. I have requested that he send a copy of his divorce decree and separation agreement to you. I hope this will suffice.

In closing, let me thank you, the receptionist, the person who took my original application, the underwriting staff, your appraisal department, the manager of your branch, and the president of your company for granting me this loan. God willing, we will make it to the settlement table and we will realize the American Dream and live in our own home!

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