People are always
on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you
dont get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you dont get enough variation
(the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people
tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now theres
the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise,
you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with
grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on
the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face
and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato
chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips
of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen
floor…

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and
eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick
and a handful of Dog Food (any flavour). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick a lollipop until sticky, take
outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be
thrust up your left nostril. Pour orange squash over mashed potatoes;
eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one
with fingers, then rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff
other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays lollipop from
rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp
up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of crisps, some red
punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavour),
bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add
half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal
to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining
room carpet. Find that lollipop and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.