19
Dec

The top 16 improvements to the Hubble telescope

Special 1-hour lenses from Lenscrafters now allow it to see really, REALLY, *REALLY* far.
SBTS (Shapely Buttocks Targeting System) enhances astronomers lonely evenings.
New Super Big Gulp size cup holder and one of those little pine tree air fresheners.
When pointed toward earth, it can… HEY, YOU!!! IN THE RED SHIRT! STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE!
Bitchin speaker stacks that blast We Will Rock You when orbiting over Iraq.
Special kaleidoscope attachment for when the acid kicks in.
After 3 years and over $50 million of troubleshooting, they finally removed the lens cap.
Warning on lens mirror now reads: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE LIGHTYEARS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
Gigantic Louisville Slugger installed to protect earth against asteroids.
Toy Surprise built into every new piece, for that day when they plummet to Earth.
By focusing huge magnifying glass, scientists can burn ants with pinpoint accuracy.
Much improved reception on the All-Alien-Sex channel.
New enhancement lets you record one galaxy while watching another.
Corrective lenses have giant mustache and fake nose attached for Groucho effect.
The new guy in charge of focus and zoom? Larry Flynt.

and the Number 1 Improvement to the Hubble Telescope …

Gigantic Impending Earth-Destroying Asteroid scraped off lens and put back in gum wrapper foil; Russians warned about further practical jokes.

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
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