This is my apartment, but dont break anything, or youll have to pay for it.
Here, have a tic-tac. Its on me.
(To the waitress) Could I have your phone number?
Before we go back to my place, youre not afraid of cockroaches, are you?
I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?
Hey, check out the babe sittin in the corner. Wow, what a body!
What? Oh, I thought you were paying.
Nice dress. I have one at home just like it.
So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood was gushing all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing, and swelling, and, oh, but I see youre eating.
I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?
No, I dont have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. Im building a submarine, when Im not playing with my inflatable doll.
(Looking at her plate) Are you going to finish that?
The mother ship will be returning next June. Then Ill be leaving for Neptune. Hey, heres a thought. You should come with me!
My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?
Well, I dont go out in public all too often. And I dont like to be touched, so dont touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me.
Im gonna do it. I bought a gun. Ive got bullets. Just wait. My bossll be yellin at me, and then, BLAM!
As soon as I saw you, I knew youd go out with me. I said to myself, Theres someone who looks desperate enough.
Does this look like ringworm to you?
Hurry up and eat, because weve got to get home in time for Star Trek.
No, Im not really a doctor. I just pretend that I am so I can pick up women.
We dont need a cab. We can walk. Its only eighteen blocks.
Do you like this shirt? Me too. I wear it every day.
Im not afraid of anything. Except heights. And confinement. And dogs, and cats, and really scary clowns. And the old lady down the street, and…
Could you drive me to the airport next week? And Im going to be moving next month, and I could use some help. Also, Ive been thinking about painting my garage. Are you any good at painting?
Have you thought about getting a Thigh-master? What about that Ultra Slim-fast, have you tried that?
Ive never been on a date here before. I usually just come here with the guys after we go to the mud-wrestling tournaments.
Hey, look at that guy. Whats he eating? And look at that other guy. I wonder if hes gonna leave a tip? Look at those people. What do you think theyre talking about? Ooh! That guy just spilled something!
I lost my job about a week after my father died. Then my wife left me. Then my dog got hit by a car. A couple days later, the landlord sent me an eviction notice. I hope Im not depressing you, because I really am a fun guy. So anyway, now my neighbour is suing me in a property dispute, and…
No, the fries are only half-price if you get the burger AND the milkshake! What the hells the matter with you?! Cant you read?! Are you stupid?!
Oh, God, its eleven oclock! Ive got to get home before my wife notices Im gone!