You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow – damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the runs over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The freaking elves wont clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

Im so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh

My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my butt to the seat. Im allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS,…NOT! Santa