Old Jokes | New Jokes

"Im going fishing."
Really means… "Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a streamwith a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Its a guy thing."
Really means…. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"
Really means… "Why isnt it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means… Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response."It would take too long to explain."
Really means… "I have no idea how it works.""Im getting more exercise lately."
Really means… "The batteries in the remote are dead.""Were going to be late."
Really means… "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""Take a break, honey, youre working too hard."
Really means…."I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""Thats interesting, dear."
Really means… "Are you still talking?""Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love."
Really means… "I forgot our anniversary again.""Thats womens work."
Really means… "Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.""You know how bad my memory is."
Really means… "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal."
Really means… "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.""I do help around the house."
Really means… "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing."
Really means… "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.""I cant find it."
Really means… "It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"
Really means… "What did you catch me doing?""I heard you."
Really means… "I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and Im hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next days yelling at me.""You look terrific."
Really means… "Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.""I missed you."
Really means… "I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""Im not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means… "Im lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.""I dont need to read the instructions."
Really means… "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."