26
Jun

Trouble – getting in and weaseling your way out of

Here is another installment from The Man himself – this was taken from MATT GROENINGS BIG BOOK OF HELL (surprise).

When in doubt, howl your innocence:

No way!
Ive been framed!
I didnt do nuthin!
Lemme see my lawyer!

WHAT IS TROUBLE? The experts explain.

Expert #1: Trouble is bad. It messes up yer mind, causes shame, and annoys big grumpy adults. Trouble is one of the leading causes of spankings in the world today.

Expert #2: Trouble is the maladaptive social response of an inquisitive youth to a stultifying educational environment.

Expert #3: Trouble is fun, except when you get caught. My problem is, I always get caught.

BASIC TROUBLE: Whispering, squirming, passing notes, chewing gum, talking, drawing cartoons

ADVANCED TROUBLE: Hiding all the blackboard erasers, stealing back your confiscated yo-yo from the teachers desk, throwing water balloons, squirting water on the teachers chair

VERY ADVANCED TROUBLE: Dropping a bag of ball bearings on the floor, laughing at everything the teacher says, putting snails in the teachers briefcase, throwing maple-syrup balloons

CAN TROUBLE BE AVOIDED? Many youngsters attempt to avoid trouble by seeking refuge in a seat in the rear corner of the classroom. Unfortunately, in recent centuries, many authorities have become aware of this hideout.

TRY NOT TO LOOK GUILTY. Half-asleep = innocent. Angelic = guilty as hell.

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT, try one or more of the following:

Act so shocked that you are rendered temporarily speechless. (This will buy you time while you think of a way out.)
Deny everything. Blame someone else. Look sincere. Stick to your story. Dont falter. Lie like crazy.
Confess – with as few details as possible. Look pathetic. Whimper. Beg for mercy. Swear youll never do it again. (Important: dont forget to keep your fingers crossed.)

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