A man come into the ER yelling, My wifes going to have her baby in the cab! The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the ladys dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and its obvious that hes in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients chest wall. Big breaths, instructed the nurse. Yes, they used to be, remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a massive internal fart.

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand. He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. Again, a flawless read. Now both, I requested. There was silence. He couldnt even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, Youre not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!

During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?, asked the doctor The patch, he replied, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and Ive run out of places to put it! The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldnt see …Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long since you have been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered, Why, not for about twenty years …when my husband was still alive.

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, So hows your breakfast this morning? Its very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I cant get used to the taste, the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled KY Jelly.