06
Nov

Truisms!

* If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.

* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

* Dont sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.

* A fool and his money are soon partying.

* Money cant buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….

* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….itll be a great trade!

* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.

* Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Everybody repeat after me….We are all individuals.

* Death to all fanatics!

* Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo.

* Chastity is curable, if detected early.

* Dont be sexist; broads hate that!

* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels arent sucked in jet engines.

* Borrow money from pessimists….they dont expect it back.

* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

And finally….

* If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving definitely isnt for you

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