Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

There were empties and butts

Left around by some louse.

And the best quart Id hid

By the chimney with care

Had been swiped by some creep

Whod discovered it there!

Our hung-over guests

Had been poured into bed

(Theyll wake in the morn

With a God-awful head)

My tongue, cotton-coated,

Hung down to my belt

And only the seasick

Could know how I felt!

My wife – she had long ago

Gone up to bed

While visions of Redskins

Danced in her head.

And I in the parlor

Sat all alone,

Id unplugged the cat

And put out the phone.

Just then, through a window

Came noise and smells

Like an overturned beer truck

And tinkle of bells!

I sprang from my chair

To see what was the matter

To see what was causing

The smell and the clatter.

When what to my wondering

Eyes did appear

But eight drunken reindeer

And sled full of beer!

With a little old driver,

Nose red as a brick,

I knew it was Santa

As tight as a tick!

Weaving upward and downward

His reindeer they came

While he hiccoughed and burped

And called them by name:

On Gallo! On Ripple!

We aint got all night!

You, too, Manischevitz!

And you, Miller lite!

Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!

Give Busch there a hand!

Now now, Lowenbrau –

You can go when we land!

Head up for that roof —

Watch out for the wall!

Get going, you guys

Weve got a long haul!

So up to my roof

Went his reindeer and sled

But my TV antenna

Hit him right in the head!

And then in a twinkling

I heard Santa swear

So hot that it melted

The snow everywhere!

I could tell in a moment

This guy had no class

For he fell down my chimney

Right smack on his sack!

He was dresed all in fur

From his head to his toes.

Red were his eyeballs,

His coat and his nose.

He had a round face

And toy-filled sack

His breath would have blown

A freight off the track!

He was chubby and plump

And he tried to stand right

But he couldnt fool me –

He was high as a kite!

He spoke not a word

But went straight to his work

And missed half the stockings,

The plastered old jerk!

Then putting five fingers

To the end of his nose

He gave me the word

As up the chimney he rose.

Crossing my rooftop

He went at a run

Not seeing what one

Of his reindeer had done.

He skidded, and then

Fell flat on his face!

His remarks after this

Were a total disgrace!

Then he got in his sled

And I heard Santa moan:

Why did I stop there?

Buxs kids are all grown!