Universal resume translator

I know how to deal with stressful situationsIm currently on long term Prozac treatments.
I am able to take the time to interact wellI take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I have strong communication skillsI talk too much.
Im proud of my organizational skillsI love to tell other people what to do.
Im extremely adept at all manner of office organizationIve used Microsoft Office some.
Im honest, hard-working and dependableI only pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includesTo say nothing of all the McJobs Ive had.
I take pride in my workI blame others for my mistakes.
Im balanced and centeredI keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a good sense of humorI know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly.
Im personable and interested in othersI give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
Im willing to relocateIve just been evicted again.
I have a stable personal lifeOnce I finish with this latest divorce, that is.
Im extremely professionalI have a Day-Timer calendar thingee.
My background and skills match your requirementsAt that piddling salary, youre lucky to get anyone.
I am adaptableIve changed jobs a lot.
I am always on the goIm never at my desk.
Im highly motivated to succeedThe minute I find a better job, Im outta here.
I have formal trainingMy probation officer says Im a natural student.
I interact well with all co-workersAll those sexual harassment charges were a sham.
I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experienceIm always making personal telephone calls.
I look forward to hearing from you soonLike, Im gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.