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Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral

1. Tell the widow that the deceaseds last wish was that she make love with you

2. Tell the undertaker that he cant close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

4. Tell the widow that youre the deceaseds gay lover.

5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

7. Walk around tellin people that youve seen the will and theyre not in it.

8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

9. Drive behind the widows limo and keep honking your horn.

10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15. Urge the widow to give the deceaseds wooden leg to someone poor who cant afford firewood.

16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didnt like them.

17. Use the deceaseds tongue to lick a stamp.

18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceaseds gambling debts.

20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceaseds lips just before the widows last kiss.

22. SHOW UP AT THE FUNERAL SERVICES IN A CLOWN SUIT.

23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24. When no-ones looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceaseds mouth.

25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS! and pretend to faint.

26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29. Tell everyone youre from the IRS and youre confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesnt keep a straight face while praising the deceased.