Im going fishing.

Really means

Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Lets take your car.

Really means

Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.

Woman driver.

Really means

Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.

I dont care what color you paint the kitchen.

Really means

As long as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,

mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.

Its a guy thing.

Really means

There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner?

Really means

Why isnt it already on the table?

Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.

Really mean

Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response like Pavlovs dog drooling.

Good idea.

Really means

Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest of the day gloating.

Have you lost weight?

Really means

Ive just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.

My wife doesnt understand me.

Really means

Shes heard all my stories before and is tired of them.

It would take too long to explain.

Really means

I have no idea how it works.

Im getting more exercise lately.

Really means

The batteries in the remote are dead.

I got a lot done.

Really means

I found Waldo in almost every picture.

Were going to be late.

Really means

Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

Hey, Ive read all the classics.

Really means

Ive been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.

You cook just like my mother used to.

Really means

She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind.

Really means

I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

Take a break, honey, youre working too hard.

Really means

I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

Thats interesting, dear.

Really means

Are you still talking?

Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love.

Really means

I forgot our anniversary again.

You expect too much of me.

Really means

You want me to stay awake.

Its a really good movie.

Really means

Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.

Thats womens work.

Really means

Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Will you marry me?

Really means

Both my roommates have moved out, I cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.

Go ask your mother.

Really means

I am incapable of making a decision.

You know how bad my memory is.

Really means

I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I was just thinking about you and got you these roses.

Really means

The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

Football is a mans game.

Really means

Women are generally too smart to play it.

Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal.

Really means

I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.

I do help around the house.

Really means

I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing.

Really means

And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I cant find it.

Really means

It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

What did I do this time?

Really means

What did you catch me at?

What do you mean, you need new clothes?

Really means

You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.

Shes one of those rabid feminists.

Really means

She refused to make my coffee.

But I hate to go shopping.

Really means

Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

No, I left plenty of gas in the car.

Really means

You may actually get it to start.

Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.

Really means

I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.

I heard you.

Really means

I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping

desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

You know I could never love anyone else.

Really means

I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

You look terrific.

Really means

Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.

I brought you a present.

Really means

It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.

I missed you.

Really means

I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

Im not lost. I know exactly where we are.

Really means

No one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework.

Really means

I make the messes, she cleans them up.

This relationship is getting too serious.

Really means

I like you more than my truck.

I recycle.

Really means

We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.

Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.

Really means

Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

It sure snowed last night.

Really means

I suppose youre going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.

Its good beer.

Really means

It was on sale.

I dont need to read the instructions.

Really means

I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Ill fix the garbage disposal later.

Really means

If I wait long enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.

Ill take you to a fancy restaurant.

Really means

Someplace that doesnt have a drive-thru window.

I broke up with her.

Really means

She dumped me.