Im going fishing. Really means : Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid, then stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Lets take your car. Really means : Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers, and is completely out of gas.

Woman driver. REally means: Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures, and has a better driving recorder than me.

I dont care what color you paint the kitchen. Really means: As long as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise, or any other color besides white.

its a guy thing. Really means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner? Really means: Why isnt it already on teh table?

Uh-Huh, Sure, Honey, or Yes, dear. Really Means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response like Pavlovs dog drooling.

Good idea. Really means: Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest of the day gloating.

Have you lost weight? Really means: Ive just spend our last thrity dollars on a cordless drill

My wife doesnt understand me. Really means: Shes heard all my stories before and is tired of them.

it would take too long to explain. Really means: I have no idea how it works.

Im getting more exercise lately. Really means: The batteries in the remote are dead.

I got a lot done. Really means: I found Waldo in almost every picture.

Were going to be late. Really means: Now I have a legitimate excutes to drive like a maniac.

Hey, Ive read all the classics. Really means: Ive been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.

You cook just like my mother used to. Really means: She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind. Really means: I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra

Take a brea, honey, youre working too hard. Really means: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

Thats interesting, dear. Really means: Are you still talking?

Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love. Really means: I forgot our anniversary again.

You expect too much of me. Really means: you want me to stay awake.

Its a really good movie Really means: Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.

Thats womens work. Really means: Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Will you marry me? Really means: Both my roommates have moved out. I cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.

Go ask your mother. Really means: I am incapable of making a decision.

You know how bad my memory is. Really means: I remember the teme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I was just thinking about you, and I got you tehse roses. Really means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

Footbal is a mans game. Really means: Women are generally too smart to play it.

Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal. Really means: I have actually severed a lim, but I will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.

I do help around the house. Really means: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing. Really means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I cant find it. Really means: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

What did I do this time? Really means: What did you catch me at?

What do you mean, you need new clothes? Really means: You just bought new clothes three years ago.

Shes one of those rabid feminists. Really means: She refused to make my coffe.

But I hate to go shopping. Really means: Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

No, I left plenty of gas in teh car. Really means: You may actually get it to start.

Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys. Really means: I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest-pounding, mouth-breathing, preevolutionary companions.

I heard you. Really means: I havent the foggiest clue what you said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next three days yelling at me.

You know I could never love anyone else. Really means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.

You look terrific. Really means: Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.

I brought you a present. Really means: it was free ice scraper night at the ball game.

i missed you. Really means: I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper.

Im not lost. I know exactly where wer are. Really means: No one will se us alive ever again.

We share the housework. Really means: I make the messes, she cleans them up.

This relationship is getting too seroius. Really means: I like you more than my truck.

I recycle. Really means: We could pay the rend with the money from my empties.

Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful. Really means: Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

It sure snowed last night. Really means: I suppose your going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.

Its good beer. Really means: It was on sale.

I dont need to read the instructions. Really means: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Ill fix the garbage disposal later. Really means: If I wait long enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.

I broke up with her. Really means: She dumped me

Ill take you to a fancy restaurant. Really means: Somepalce that doesnt have a drive-through window.