06
Apr

Windows 3.1. for Macintosh…

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be:

Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation!

Why settle for intuitive keyboard commands when you can have confusing F-key combinations? But dont take our word for it–here are some satisfied customers:

I couldnt stand all the easy drag-and-click commands on my MacIntosh. Now I can do everything with wordy commands that only work on one file or directory at a time!
— Goober McLeod, IBM user for 15 years

I hated the automatic startup files. Now, I can go back to my autoexec.bat file and pray Ive got everything set up right! Plus, MS-Windows even disabled the Find File command, so I can search all my directories by hand to find those utilities I lost!
— Joey Boring, still using a VT-52

Whats with these 30-odd letter file names? I like MS-Windows much better; it only lets me use eight characters! Thanks for clearing up the confusion!
— Mark Rodgers, who thinks HP calculators are easy to use

By using the Memory Mismanagment(TM) utility, I can have my computer ignore the 32 MB of RAM its got and only see 640K of it! Just like the good old days!
— Horace Kludge, using the leading edge of technology on his WANG

Multi-tasking? Who needs it? When I run a program, I want it FINISHED before starting another one! And MS-Windows lets me do just that!
— Donald Hapershnalzik, still programming in COBOL

All those fonts on my MacIntosh keep confusing me. But with MS-Windows theres only one! My word processor is much easier to use now that I have no choice on the font!
— Larry Linkworm, still confused by his VCR

MS-Windows even disabled the control panels! Once again, my speaker is set at full volume, and I have no choice on how the displays look! That gives me lots more time to run the limited programs that work under Windows!
— Marty Halfgear, who is fascinated by bright and shiny objects

And look at the other options available:

Non-standard keyboard commands. Its much more fun to learn new commands with each new program you get, right?
Different system requirements for each program, requiring a reboot each time!
The 3.3 option, which forces you to partition your hard drive into 10MB segments!
Limited mouse support!

MS-Windows for MacIntosh. For De-Evolutionary people.

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