01
Nov

Windows and The Borg

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. What the hell is Microsoft?

Data turns to answer. Allow me to explain. We will send
this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont
they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not
be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions.

Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that
unsolvable geometric shape idea.

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: Captain, We have successfully installed the
Windows in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed
85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected upgrade.

Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and
determine if there is something we have missed.

Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure
in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting
permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .

Geordi, excited Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: Apparently the Borg have found the internal
Windows module named Solitaire and it has used up all the CPU
capacity.

Picard: Lets wait and see how long this solitaire
can reduce their functionality.

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: Geordi, whats the status on the Borg?

Geordi: As expected the Borg are attempting to
re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each
time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep
space monitor beacon to transmit more windows modules from something
called the Microsoft fun-pack.

Picard: How much time will that buy us ?

Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate
an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard: Identify.

Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo

Over the speakers THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN
AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS

Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward
hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft

Riker: Good God captain! Those are humans floating
straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they
survive the tortures of deep space ?!

Data: I dont believe that those are humans sir, if you
will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits

Riker and Picard together, horrified Lawyers !!

Geordi: It cant be. All the Lawyers were rounded up
and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data: True, but apparently some must have survived.

Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are
covering it with all types of papers.

Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as
red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker: Theyre tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard: Turn off the monitors. I cant stand to watch,
not even the Borg deserve that.

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