40-ish. . . 48.

Adventurous… has had more partners than you ever will.

Athletic… flat-chested.

Average looking… ugly.

Beautiful… pathological liar.

Contagious smile… bring your penicillin.

Educated… college dropout.

Emotionally secure… medicated.

Feminist… fat ball-buster.

Free spirit. . . substance user.

Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a slut.

Fun… annoying.

Gentle… comatose.

Good listener… borderline autistic.

New-age… all body hair, all the time.

Old-fashioned … lights out, missionary position only.

Open-minded… desperate.

Outgoing. . . loud.

Passionate. . . loud.

Poet… depressive schizophrenic.

Redhead… shops in the Clairol section.

Rubenesque… grossly fat.

Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight.

Voluptuous… very fat.

Weight proportional to height… hugely fat.

Wants soul mate… one step away from stalking.

Widow… nagged first husband to death.

Young at heart… toothless crone.