Wondering If Windows 95 Will Live Long and Phosphor

By Nicholas Petreley

Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, were about to begin a sequel.

Capitan, Windows 95 doesnt do SQL.

Right. Then lets see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?

Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, well risk a matter-antimatter explosion!

Scotty, thats an order.

Aye, Captain, but shes just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown.

Thats what were doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?

Were on disk 5, sir.

Good. Spock?

Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt.

Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it cant use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?

Unknown, Captain.

Will it use a Proaudio Spectrum?

Unknown, Captain.

How about a Sound Blaster?

Unknown, Captain.

What good are you, anyway?

Box-office attraction, Captain.


Im a doctor, not a hardware technician.

Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the Proaudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when its ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal.

Yes, Captain.


Weve just entered the desktop zone, Capitan.

Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the enginesll burn up fer surrre.

Scotty, we havent even started yet.

Sorry, Captain, I just havent had a line in so long…

Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.

Yes, Captain.

Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. Well be navigating back there frequently.

Yes, sir.


It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The Proaudio Spectrum 16 isnt responding, either in sound or SCSI.

Disable the card, Spock.

Im sorry, sir. It wont disable the SCSI without stopping the sound card first. And it wont disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first.

Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 oclock.

[looks at watch] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems.

No, sir. The ship is already upon is.


Scanning all frequencies, sir. Im trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow.

Scotty, whats happening down there?

The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time. Even the main 32-bit systems are blocked.

See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?

It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive.

[impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed, oohs and ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship]

Put it on visual, Chekov.

Yes, sir.

[louder oohs and ahhs]

Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!

Im sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding.


Im a doctor, not a beta tester!

Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file.

Captain – its gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it.

Long range scan, Chekov.

I found it, Capitain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Lands of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard.

Patrick Stewart?

Youve never heard of Patrick Stewart?


Must be a generation gap.

Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the enginesll burn up fer surrre.

[sigh] Maintain power, Mister Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert.

Captain, I cant figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!


Im a doctor, not a quick reference!

Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP Laserjet.

Captain, Ive chosen the screen saver that says Chicago is COOL but now Im getting no response at the helm.

[Boom as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes Sulu – take evasive action or its certain Doom!

Yes, it certainly is Doom and I dont mind telling you Im getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games around, so what does it prove that it runs under Win 95?

Weve got… to get… to the kernel. Uhura… notify… the… kernel at star fleet.

Captain, I think either communications is breaking up, or youre dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again.


Fascinating Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have outweighed the needs of the many.

Scotty, get us out of here!

Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! Well have to do a hard boot for surrre.


Its dead, Jim.

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