If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before. * Change is inevitable….except from vending machines. * Dont sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money cant buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands…. * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….itll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route. * Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me….We are all individuals. * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Dont be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels arent sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists….they dont expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving definitely isnt for you.