And the Lord sayeth, so will I confound the people mightily, and into their lives rain knowledge of that which matters not, yet hide from them the simplest of things. For lo! I shall give unto them the Internet.

And also will there be much sound and fury, for the Internet will baffle and confuse the people. Yea, few amongst them will know the difference between the Internet and the World Wide Web, or between HTTPs and HTMLs, and the vileness of 🙂 and 🙁 will strike them dumb. And the people will gnaw their tongues with pain, and the hair of their flesh will stand up, for they will know not the meaning of the word spamouflage.

And they will be mocked by geeks, yea, and chastised by the dweebish.

So in their ignorance will they add cyber to all they say, until those around them weary of the word, and smite them under the fifth rib, yea, and call upon them to speak of anything else, lo, even Monica.

But the Internet will be filled with wonders. Indeed, web sites there will be in uncounted multitudes, filled with the sayings of those who leave not their basements.

Yet web site addresses will be of great length, and filled with letters and signs so that no man shall remember them. And so it is that such an address given in haste will be unclear in the mind the next day. And, behold, my people will find themselves logging in error onto the likes of the Tokyo Toilet Map. And there fear will come upon them, and trembling.

But behold the homework of children shall take them into the very bowels of the night, for the Internet will have vast and uncounted references to Warren G. Harding. Yet all must be searched, and the children will tarry there until their beards be grown long. And their parents will fall upon each others necks and weep, for they are middle-aged, yea, and want to go to bed. Yet the children will moveth [sic] not from their computers, and will withhold themselves from speaking unto others, and will eateth up only pizza, lo, in vast amounts. And they will bathe not also, and woe, smell like unto the beasts of the field, and their stench will become an affliction and a calamity to all those about them. And, lo, neither will they dateth.

And online there will be all manner of advice. And the people will do as they are told to do, and eat what they are told to eat, and take all medicines that are spoken of by strangers, whom they knowest not.

So also the number of TV and movie web sites will be legion, and with them, publicity photos without number, and many shall groan, for Charlies Angels were a noisome pestilence, yea, even in olden times. And verily, also will there be images of William Shatner without his toupee, and yea, the faithful at Star Trek sites will cry out in anguish, and their knees knock together in rage.

And I will scatter Links in all places also, so that nothing will be written that does not include boldfaced connections to yet other sites. So naught will be read from start to finish, for Links will seduce even the most righteous amongst the people. And so it is that they will begin attempting to learn basketball scores, but will be led off into desolate places, and wander from Link to Link, yet they will know not if the Knicks beat the Celtics.

But this will stop no one. Nor will the busy signals, nor the cost, nor yea, verily, the mighty tribulation of hookup.

For there are still to be explored the toilets of Tokyo.