Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks its five but as we all now its only him, so…

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks hell have to replace the whole socket.

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the womans appearance.

Honey, youre just a young thing, she remarked, but you look like hell. Whats up?

Ive been double-crossed, the miserable bride moaned. When he said hed been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!

You might be a redneck if…

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs round over yonder, backah Bubbas barn…

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house thats mobile and five cars that arent.

Your gene pool doesnt have a deep end.

En una de esas ocasiones en la que los soldados se reportan con sus superiores, el soldado Manolo informa:

Mi cabo, no cabo en la cama.

El cabo, enojado, le grita:

¡Estúpido, no se dice cabo se dice quepo!

Mi quepo, no cabo en la cama.

Estaban un francés, un alemán y un tontilandés reunidos tratando de ver cual de sus esposas era la más pendeja.

El francés:

Oui, mi esposa es la más pendeja. Ella mandó construir una alberca en la casa y ni siquiera sabe nadar.

El alemán:

No, la más pendeja es mi esposa; se compró un Mercedes y ni siquiera sabe manejar.

El de Tontilandia:

Joder, que la más pendeja es mi esposa, imagínense que se va a ir en un crucero al Caribe por una semana con 2 amigas y compró 3 cajas de condones… ¡Y ni siquiera tiene pito!

Q: What do you call two guys hanging on a wall by a window?

A: Kurt and Rod

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Possum!
Possum who?
Possum peace pipe!

No mans credit is as good as his money.

The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.

So was all of Arkansas.