A gay Jewish boy phones home, and tells his momma that he wants to go back into the closet. The reason being that he has met a wonderful girl and they are to be married.

He adds that he knows this will come as a huge relief to her, as his gay lifestyle had been a source of much distress for her.

Of course Momma is over the moon, and wants to start making wedding plans immediately!

Then after a pause, she ventures I suppose its too much to hope that the girl is also Jewish?

He replies, yes Momma, she is Jewish, and whats more, is from a very wealthy and respectable Beverly Hills family.

Momma is beside herself! And what is the name of this wonderful girl?

And the son replies,

Monica Lewinsky.

There is a looooong pause. Then Momma asks,

Whatever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?

Seen on the back of a Japanese car:

Buy American
Fuck Quality and Price

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesmans job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.



Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview.



Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered.



The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. Ill come and see how you made out after we close up, the boss said.



The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 oclock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. How many sales did you make today? the boss asked.



One, said the lad.



One? said the boss, obviously displeased. Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?



Exactly $101,334.53, said the young man.



How did you manage that? asked the boss, flabbergasted.



Well, said the lad, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said hed probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldnt be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck.



You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook? the boss asked in astonishment.



He didnt come in to buy a fish hook, the Texas boy explained. He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, Your weekends shot. You might as well go fishing.

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in
a cast. The first hippie asked Sister, how did you break you leg? I
slipped in the bathtub. The second hippie asked the first Whats a bathtub?
How should I know, Im not Catholic!

Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4!petro | sun!texsun!rrm}!ssbn!bill

Lifes a test – and youre graded on a curve

At age 4, success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is…having sex.
At age 35, success is…having money.
At age 50, success is…having money.
At age 60, success is…having sex.
At age 70, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is…having friends.
At age 90, success is…not peeing in your pants.

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk said, We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.

The word is celebrate, said the head monk.

Q: Why couldnt the negative pair square things away?
A: Because they had complex issues!

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

Its the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

Please let me in, says the man desperately. I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I dont come home with one.

Okay, says the butcher. Let me see what I have left. He goes into the freezer and discovers that theres only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

Thats one is too skinny. What else you got? says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

Oh, no, says the man, That one doesnt look any better. You better give me both of them!