(heard this joke on tv last night:)
When I told my family I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up,
they all laughed at me.
Well I showed them. Nobodys laughing now.
Jim Zeek
Pyramid Technology
Reported by the Associated Press
Summerville, SC
Police have only the barest of clues to investigate a convenience store
robbery aided by a scantily clad woman.
A woman wearing only panties was accompanied by two men who robbed the
U.S. 78 store of $60 worth of beer about 5:30 a.m. Sunday, police say.
The woman walked around the store, and while the 49-year-old clerk was
focused on her, the men hauled off four cases of beer, Detective Cpl. Al
Lapolla said.
The clerk told police he thinks the men were white, but he cannot say
for sure, Lapolla said.
He told police the woman was white but he is not sure about her height
or hair color.
The parts of her anatomy he concentrated on he was able to tell us a
great deal about, Lapolla said.
Asked if the store had cameras that might have photographed the trio,
Lapolla said, Its not one of those stores, darn it.
Q: What is the Information Superhighway?
A: Its just like the internet, except:
its a lot more expensive.
you cant post and theres no killfile.
theres no alt.sex.* or alt.drugs
rec.humor.funny has a laugh track.
theres a commercial break every 10 minutes.
everything is formatted to 40 columns for TVs.
the free software costs you $2.00/megabyte to ftp, more for long distance.
A: Its just like cable TV, except:
its a lot more expensive.
the picture isnt as good.
theres 500 channels of Pay-per-View and home-shopping.
you can watch any episode of Gilligans Island or any Al Gore speech for only $2.00.
no public access channels.
theres a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: Its just like renting videos, except:
its a lot more expensive.
theres only 1/100th as many to choose from.
no porno.
theres no pause, fast-forward, or rewind, and it costs
you another $3.95 if you want to watch twice.
theres a commercial break every 10 minutes.
A: Its just like the telephone, except:
its a lot more expensive.
theres no one to talk to.
theres a commercial break every 10 minutes.
every number is a toll call.
Sometimes true life is more humorous than the jokes that are passed around and around. The following is an excerpt from an Associated Press article by David Sharp, that appeared in The Ithaca Journal yesterday, October 16, 1999.
Y2K turns cars into carriages.
PORTLAND, Maine – State government got its first Y2K surprise months early when owners of 2000 model cars and trucks received titles identifying their new vehicles as horseless carriages.
Despite millions of dollars spent to ensure state computers are ready for the year 2000, computers in the secretary of states office got confused over the 2000 model year designation.
As a result, some new vehicle owners or lien holders got titles to horseless carriages instead of cars or trucks in April. The case demonstrates the problems that can occur when computers misread the year 2000 as the year 1900, which is what happened in the secretary of states office.
Since the computer thought the model year was 1900, the titles were printed with the horseless carriage designation used for vintage vehicles produced before 1916, said Secretary of State Dan Gwadosky, whose office oversees licensing and registration of vehicles.
About 800 passenger car titles and about 1,200 tractor-trailer titles were issued with the error, Gwadosky said.
If I were ol Santa, you know what Id do
Id dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
Id give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old colour that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
Id bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
Id draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till youd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
Id remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldnt spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
Youd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldnt hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when theyre right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks youre a nervous old granny.
Youd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles wont ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, youd never look stupid
Youd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
Id give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! Im not Santa. Im simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms Ive got
But Im due at my doctors for an estrogen shot.
Even though weve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, A basketball coach?
Una prostituta va donde el médico porque se sentÃa muy mal.
Mire, doctor, me duele la cabeza, el pecho, las nalgas, tengo fiebre…
Bueno, bueno respóndame una pregunta: ¿En periodo de regla usted tiene mucha pérdida?
Doctor puede que sea eso, porque la verdad es, que las perdidas son de 200 a 300 dólares.
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