Está Pepito en el recreo, cuando pasa María, a lo que Pepito le ofrece:

María, juguemos a que yo te meta el dedito en el ombligo.

Ya bueno.

Al cabo de un rato:

Pepito, ese no es mi ombligo.

No te preocupes María, ese tampoco es mi dedo.

I dont care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.

This guy has problems so he goes to a counselor. The counselor askes Whats wrong? And the man replies,God is my friend. Whenever I get up to got to the bathroom he turns the light on, And whenever I go back to bed he turns the light off. The counselor found this very suspicious so he went to the guys wife and tells her what he said. And his wife replied, That idiot, he wont stop peeing in the refriderator.

There were two guys fishing in a boat. And they havent caught anything all day. Suddenly the one pulls up a old lamp and wipes it off. Out comes a genie. The genie says I will give you one wish what will it be? So the guy says turn the whole lake into beer. Poof the lake is beer. The guy turns to the other and says so what do you think of that, the other guy says I think your a fucking asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.

The one who says it cant be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

The Law Of The Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)

6. Ive got a boyfriend (whos really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys).

5. I dont date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldnt even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)

4. Its not you, its me. (Its not me, its you.)

3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. Im celibate. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Lets be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing)

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In response… The male perspective on the same issue …

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…)

10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)

6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)

5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)

4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)

3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)

2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)

Each year, the Washington Post asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt get it.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.And the winner:Ignoranus: A person whos both stupid and an asshole.

How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Please…replacing low-cost units designed primarily to emit photons in the visible electromagnetic specrum is easy.

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, But this is a dog. He said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, You dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. But you dont understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on TV. He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said, Me too. Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning. I said, I am looking for Sex.

My case comes up on Friday.