Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, still I sat there, doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command And waited for the disk to store, only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wondring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. Save! I said, You cursed mother! Save my data from before! One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, Abort, Retry, Ignore?

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones Id never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?

With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim, they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying Abort, Retry, Ignore?

I tried to catch the chips off-guard — I pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, Abort, Retry, Ignore?

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, Abort, Retry, Ignore?

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data goes. What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as theres C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, Abort, Retry, Ignore?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

[Ed: Well, pretty contrived, but… ]

The year is 1996. By this time, the American Governments policy of
Social Welfare has been extended to require that any married couple who
has not had a child within the first five years of marriage, must
receive the services of a government man who will attempt to be the means
of the wife becoming a mother.

There are no children in the family of this particular story: much to the
sorrow of the husband, and it is the morning of their fifth wedding
anniversary.

Husband – Well, goodbye, dear, Im off to the office. I suppose the
government man will be here shortly, computer-printed address and all.

He leaves with his head bowed. The wife pretties herself and powders her
nose just as the doorbell rings. She is expecting the government man, but
instead her caller is a baby photographer who has come to see if he could
interest her in some baby pictures. The following conversation ensues:

Lady: Oh, Good Morning.

Man: How do you do? You probably dont know me, but I represent—-

Lady: You neednt explain, Mr.—-

Man: Jones is the name, Madame, and I make a specialty of—-

Lady: Yes, of course, I know. Its all right. Wont you come in?

Man: Your husband probably told you that—-

Lady: Oh, yes, and we both agreed that it is the best thing to do.

Man: Well, in that case I might as well get busy.

Lady: Im not too familiar with the way you do this. Just where do we start?

Man: Just leave it to me, Madame. I recommend two in the bathtub, one or
two more on the couch, and a couple on the floor.

Lady: Bathtub? Couch? Floor? Good heavens.

Man: Well, my dear lady, even the best of us cant get a good one
every time, but out of six, one is bound to be a honey. I usually
have the best luck with the bathtub shots.

Lady: Youll have to forgive me, but it does seem a little informal.

Man: The charm of the whole thing is the informality. Perhaps you
would like to see some of my work?

Lady: Well, I suppose so —-, after all, there is no hurry, is there?

Man: No, indeed, a man in my line cant do his best work in a hurry.
(He opens his album and shows her.) Look at this baby. Its a good
job. Took four hours, but isnt it a beauty?

Lady: Yes, indeed a lovely child.

Man: But for a tough assignment, look at this job. Believe it or not,
it was done on top of a bus on Fifth Avenue.

Lady: My God.

Man: Well, there a little story behind that. The mother of the child was
a movie actress in need of a little publicity, and did she get it.

Lady: I should think so.

Man: Here is the picture of the handsomest of twins in town. I knocked
that out in Central Park on a snowy afternoon last winter. It took
me from two in the afternoon til five. I never worked under more
difficult conditions, with people four or five deep, crowding to
take a look.

Lady: Four or five deep?

Man: Yes people everywhere. Just imagine working more than three hours
under handicaps like that. I even had two cops helping me. I could
have gotten anther quick shot or two before dark, but by that time
the squirrels were nibbling on my equipment and I had to give up. Well,
Madame, if you are ready, Ill set up my tripod and well get started.

Lady: Your tripod?

Man: Yes, I always use a tripod to rest my equipment on, as its too heavy
for me to hold for any length of time, and – Good heavens, she
fainted………

A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated from his tour group.
After wandering for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He finally found a
bathroom and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope
sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that this would be an attraction
few tourists ever saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to
recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera. The
fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange was arranged.

The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after disposing of the film, the Pope
decided he would use it on his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign
country, one of the faithful noticed the Popes camera and remarked that it
was quite a unit. He then asked:

How much did you pay for it?

Ten thousand dollars.

Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!

Mark

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The
bartender says, No pets allowed.The man replied, This is a special dog. Turn on
the Jets game and youll see.The bartender, anxious to see what will happen,
turns on the game. The guy says, Watch. Whenever
the Jets score, my dog does flips.The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog
keeps flipping and jumping. Wow! Thats one hell
of a dog you got there! What happens when the Jets
score a touchdown?The man replied, I dont know. Ive only had him
for 7 years!

Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him Your Grace.

The third Catholic lady says, My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, hes called Your Eminence.

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle Well…?

So she replies, My son is 6 6.. he has plenty of money… broad square shoulders… terribly handsome… dresses very well… tight muscular body… tight hard buns… and a very nice bulge… and whenever he walks into a room… women gasp, Oh, my God….

There was a Jewish woman, and she had three sons, who were in their twenties. They were all at the point of getting married, and the oldest son was the first to get engaged. He confronted his mother with the good news.


Mom- I just got engaged to the best woman in the world!


Thats great Joel, is she a nice Jewish girl?


Well, shes nice, but she isnt Jewish.


Oy. Okay son, tell me her name.


Her name is Yummigucci. Shes Japanese.


Well, son, as long as you are happy, I wish you the best.

So her first son got married. Then her second oldest son came along telling her he was engaged, also.


Mom! Im engaged!


Wow, Eddy, Im pleased for you! Is she a nice Jewish girl?


Well, not exactly, shes Greek Orthodox.


Whats her name?


Krocapocalipessisi.


Well, as long as she is good to you, I am happy for you.

So her second son got married. Then her youngest son came along telling her he was engaged.


Oh, Lenny! Thats great! Whats her name?


Goldberg.


she almost fainted in joy.


Oh, son! im so so so proud of you! i cant wait to meet her! Whats her first name?


Whoopi.

There were 4 monkeys in a tree.

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

– It died.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

– It was tied on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

– It got hit by the first two.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?

– Peer pressure.

A woman asks for a mans seat on a crowded bus saying that she is pregnant. The man grudgingly obliges remarking though that she doesnt look very filled out.

Oh, the woman replies, it only happened about a half hour ago.

Una señora cotidianamente quedaba complacida al tener sexo con su esposo. Un día, el hombre tenía que irse de viaje por asuntos de trabajo. Al enterarse de esto, la mujer, asustada, le suplico que no se fuera ya que no podría soportar un solo día sin cohabitar con él. Tranquilo, el tipo le dice que él encontraría la solución y pensó en comprarle un vibrador.

En la tienda, el vendedor le ofreció un nuevo tipo de vibrador, el más avanzado de todos: Budo Dick.

Mire, usted solamente tiene que decirle Budo Dick y el lugar de donde será la penetración; para detenerlo, basta con ordenarle: Budo Dick a tu caja, y él volará hacia su caja.

El sujeto quedó convencido y lo compró. Al llegar a su casa, le explica a la esposa como se usaba ese nuevo aparato.

Mira, querida, este vibrador es muy sencillo de usar y te servirá para que no te sientas sola. Únicamente le tienes que decir: Budo Dick y el lugar en donde lo quieres.

El marido emprende el viaje sin explicarle como detener el vibrador. Al quedarse sola con el vibrador, ésta ordena:

Budo Dick, a mi cosa.

En un instante, la mujer ya tenía al Budo Dick ahí. Al principio, lo estaba gozando, pero cuando ya estaba cansada y quiso detenerlo, se asustó al ver que no podía hacerlo. Se viste con el Budo Dick todavía ahí; se sube a su auto y, desesperada, pretende ir tras su esposo a más de 200 Km por hora. Pero un policía le ordena detenerse:

Voy a levantarle una infracción por conducir con exceso de velocidad.

La tipa, desesperada, le explica:

Lo que pasa es que tengo aquí un vibrador llamado Budo Dick y no sé como detenerlo. Voy por mi esposo para que me explique.

El oficial no cree nada de lo que dice. La señora suplica:

¡Por favor, ya no aguanto esta cosa!

El policía, burlándose, exclama:

¡Budo Dick, mi culo!