Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry."Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace. What was in the envelopes? her friends asked. The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably. The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for a nice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending. And the third envelope? asked her friends.
The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone. Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…
So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.

Dad, says the son, what do I do tonight? Im very nervous.

Dont worry, comforts the father. Its all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees.

So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them

Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first days competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldnt take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests….instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, Im sorry, but if theres one thing I cant stand, its chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

I have chapped lips.

Does manure help them heal?

No, but it keeps me from licking them.

Un buen día, un mexicano y un gringo estaban divirtiéndose con el Bungee-jumping. De pronto, al yanqui se le ocurre una brillante idea y le propone al mexicano:

You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico.

(Sabes, podríamos hacer mucho dinero con el negocio de Bungee Jumping en México).

Al mexicano no le parece mala la idea, así que ambos sacan sus ahorros del banco y compran todo lo necesario para iniciar su business: las cuerdas elásticas, seguros, etc. Y comienzan a buscar lugares para iniciar la construcción de la torre de Bungee Jumping.

Cuando recién empiezan la construcción, obviamente, la curiosidad llama a una multitud de vecinos. Poco a poco llega más y más gente mientras ellos siguen con su trabajo. Al terminar, deciden hacer una demostración para la congregación de curiosos.

El estadounidense pide saltar primero. La cuerda se estira al máximo y regresa. El mexicano observa al norteamericano con unos ligeros cortes sobre su rostro y algunos rasguños. La algarabía crece entre la multitud y hasta se escucha que han organizado canciones. El mexicano intenta detener al gringo, pero falla y éste vuelve a caer. Nuevamente la cuerda se estira a su máximo y vuelve a subir. Esta vez el mexicano, asombrado, nota que el pobre yanqui tiene magulladuras y está sangrando. Con poca fortuna, esa vez tampoco lo puede detener arriba, así que el tipo vuelve a caer. La siguiente vez, el pobre hombre regresa hecho un desastre: la ropa toda rota, sangre por todos lados, huesos rotos y semiconsciente. Sin embargo, la algarabía crecía en la base de la torre. Afortunadamente, en esa ocasión el mexicano si logra detenerlo y le pregunta desesperado:

What happened? Was the cord too long?

(¿Qué pasó? ¿La cuerda estaba muy larga?

No, no, the cord was fine. But WHAT THE HELL IS LA PIÑATA?

(No, no, la cuerda está bien, pero ¿qué diablos es la piñata?)

Greens Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you dont know what youre talking about.