Una pulga está tomando sol en la playa, toda bronceada, debajo de una sombrilla, cuando llega otra pulga muerta de frío. La primera le pregunta: Que te pasó?. Resulta que quise venir a la playa a tomar el sol, y me subí en los bigotes de un motociclista que venía para aca, pero casi me muero del frío después de venir todo el camino a 200 km por hora. No seas bruta, tienes que hacer como yo, te escondes en el baño de mujeres, y cuando entra una, te subes a su ropa interior y viajas calentita y segura.

Al otro fin de semana vuelven a encontrarse en la playa las dos pulgas, la primera bronceadísima, y la segunda nuevamente blanca y muerta de frio. ¿Y ahora qué te pasa, no hiciste lo que te dije? Sí, lo hice. Me escondi en el baño de mujeres, llegó una y cuando se bajó la ropa interior, me subí, me acomode ahí muy a gusto y me quede dormida. Entonces, que pasó? No lo sé; cuando me desperté estaba otra vez en los bigotes del motociclista y venía a 200 km/h muriéndome de frío.

La pareja de recién casados está en el hotel más que dispuesta a disfrutar de su primera noche juntos. El tipo, que tiene un miembro descomunal, saca un par de condones y un tarro de crema que coloca cerca de la cama, mientras la esposa, que lo espera en la cama dice:

¡Ay que lindo! ¿Me vas a poner cremita?

Cremita no, mi amor, ¡te voy a poner morada!

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat. They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.



Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat. He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.



When it was the Cats turn to buy, he told them to Fuck off!



So the man went back to the bar and said Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.



The Barman was curious about this and said I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasnt. Why is this?.



The man replied, I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.



What did you wish for? said the Barman.



I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.

The towns fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
Hysteria and Posteriors.

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

No go, so they tried:
Catatonics and High Colonics.

Thumbs down again, so they tried:
Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.:

Still not good, so they tried:
Minds and Behinds.

Still no go. Nor did:
Analysis and Anal Cysts,
Nuts and Butts,
Freaks and Cheeks or
Loons and Moons work either, so they finally settled on:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.

Noahs wife.

A mechanical device used to fill in the end of your
driveway as soon as you finish shoveling it.

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?

White-out on the screen!

How can you tell shes made the corrections?

She wrote over the white out!

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well, Ill be, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.

It was a the end of the day for the boaters on a small lake. One boat had not returned. The dock master could see the boat on the water. He calls out Boat number 91, its time to return to the dock!

His boss hears him call out to boat 91. The boss says to the dock master, We dont have a boat number 91.

At that, the dock master pauses, then turns to the boat on the water and calls out, Boat number 16, do you have a problem?

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldnt wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,Honey, Ill be right back …

Where are you going, coochie coo …? asked the wife.

Im going to the bar, pretty face. Im going to have a beer.

The wife says to him, You want a beer my love?

Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesnt know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, Yes, loolie loolie … but the bar … you know … the frozen glass …

He didnt get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, You want a frozen glass, puppy face?

She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors doeuvres that are really delicious … I wont be long. Ill be right back. I promise. OK?

You want hors doeuvres, poochi pooh?

She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors doeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork, strips, etc …

But, sweet honey … at the bar … you know … the swearing, the dirty words and all that …

You want swearing, cutie pie? … HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS! YOU AINT GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!?!