How do you tell the Polish one at a cockfight?

Hes the one with the duck.

How do you tell the Italian?

Hes the one betting on the duck.

How do you tell if the mafia is there?

The duck wins.

-Ronald Reagan

Upon completeing his examination of his patient, a doctor told him to get dressed. Im afraid your condition is farily poor. The doctor sighed. The best thing for you to do would be to give up liquor, stop smoking, give up all that rich food youve been eating at fancy restaurants, and stop seeing all those young women who keep you out untill all hours.

The patient thought for a momment. Whats the next best thing?

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? More importantly, how did she get out of the kitchen?

Full page ad brought back from a recent trip, taken from the British
paper The Times (Feb 4 1989).

A full page picture of Ollie North is featured, with his right arm
raised, as if swearing before a court. The subtitle is:

With a few notable exceptions, no one can transfer money
round the world more efficiently than us.

The ad continues:

We think its time to come clean. Girobank has been
transferring large sums of money half-way round the world
for years.

Its hardly a risky business. Our centralised
international division, with its unique links to the
entire overseas Giro network, allows business to be
conducted at maximum speed and with the minimum of
bureaucracy.

And even if your transaction should prove difficult
(as it might in Nicaragua for example) we can provide
documentary collections, letters of credit, bonds and
guarantees.

…

All in all, Girobank adds up to less hassle and more
choice for the businessman or woman. A call to the number
below will reveal the full story. Frankly, we think the
whole world should know.

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Thats an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because thats the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Military specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

A blonde goes to get her haircut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, How do you like it? The blonde says, Its okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewarts wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world."Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think theres yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby."No, no, dont be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems theres yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think its the light thats attractin them?"

The warden was making his usual round at the asylum and saw one of the inmates holding a fishing rod. He had the end of the rod dangling in the washbasin. Trying to be kind, the warden asked, “Catch anything?”

The inmate replied, “In a washbasin? Are you crazy.”

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party.

That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. Dont let me spoil a good time for you, she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, I wonder what my husband really does when Im not around.

She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldnt recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked Well, how was the party?

He replied, It was no fun without you honey.

She said, I dont believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!

He replied, Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY:

1. Dad, when he gets a cold.

2. Moms youngest child, even if hes 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Moms reason for having kids do things which cant be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

COOK:

1. Act of preparing food for consumption.

2. Moms other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See DADS UNDERWEAR.

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See WISHFUL THINKING.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EXCUSE ME: One of Moms favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be put out by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question Whats for dinner tonight? See SARCASM

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Moms kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

I SAID SO: Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JEEEEEEEEZ!: Slang for Gee Mom, isnt there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An exaggeration Mom uses to transform her childs papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See Kids Friends

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once its turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

MOMMMMMMM!: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH:

1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.

2. Main element of Moms favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of childrens mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Moms nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who dont eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because theyre buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because its in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear the geeky thing.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive childrens clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her childs special needs.

TERRIBLE TWOS: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be Just like Daddy.

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.

WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.