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# Old Jokes | New Jokes

Almost 40000 Jokes colected just for you !

## Posts

- [Ill trust you that you paid](https://oldnewjokes.com/ill-trust-you-that-you-paid/) - A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.But I paid, dont you remember? says the customer. Okay, says the bartender, If you said you paid, you did. The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that
- [The Ocotpus!](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-ocotpus-1/) - A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender give us two beers over here! The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says, Didnt you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed! The man says
- [The Coolidge Effect](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-coolidge-effect/) - a supposedly true story from: Bermant, G. (1976). Sexual behavior: Hard times with the Coolidge Effect. In M. H. Siegel & H. P. Zeigler (Eds.), /Psychological Research: The inside story/ (pp. 76-103). New York: Harper & Row. One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were
- [You might be a redneck if...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-redneck-if-185/) - You might be a redneck if... You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.
- [New State Slogans](https://oldnewjokes.com/new-state-slogans/) - Rere are some new state slogans... Enjoy! AlabamaYes, We Have Electricity Alaska11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong! ArizonaBut Its A Dry Heat ArkansasLiteracy Aint Everything CaliforniaBy 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ColoradoIf You Dont Ski, Dont Bother ConnecticutLike Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It Yet DelawareWe Really Do Like The Chemicals
- [Windows 98, Brooklin Edition](https://oldnewjokes.com/windows-98-brooklin-edition/) - (Forwarded by an American friend of Italian descent). It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Brooklyn edition may be recognized
- [Top-10 reasons juggling is better than sex](https://oldnewjokes.com/top-10-reasons-juggling-is-better-than-sex/) - You dont need a partner to juggle Having blue balls isnt a bad thing Jugglers arent judged by the size of their balls Dont have to wear protection Dont have to worry about how many other people your partner has juggled with After juggling, you can do it again right away Easier to keep your
- [A Dead Ringer!](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-dead-ringer/) - The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer. A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. But youve got no arms... you cant do this job! says the church leader. The new applicant shouts back - Sure I can... Ill do it with my
- [One student was arrested for indecent exposure](https://oldnewjokes.com/one-student-was-arrested-for-indecent-exposure/) - Lots of things go on during Spring Break as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a Judge. I plead not guilty your honor, I only went there to get relieved. he testified. Well, Im inclined
- [Why Adam Came Before Eve](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-adam-came-before-eve/) - Q: Why did God create Adam before creating Eve? A: Because every great artist makes a rough copy before he creates the masterpiece.
- [Chemistry song 06](https://oldnewjokes.com/chemistry-song-06/) - The Twelve Days of ChemistryOn the first day of chemistryMy teacher gave to meA candle from Chem Study.(second day) two asbestos pads(third day) three little beakers(fourth day) four work sheets(fifth day) five golden moles(sixth day) six flaming test tubes(seventh day) seven unknown samples(eighth day) eight homework problems(ninth day) nine grams of salt(tenth day) a ten
- [Manolo y Pepe queran cruzar](https://oldnewjokes.com/manolo-y-pepe-queran-cruzar/) - Manolo y Pepe querÃ­an cruzar el Canal de la Mancha nadando, 40 Km mÃ¡s o menos. Salen de Francia y a los 10 Kilometros Manolo dice: Pepe, no doy mÃ¡s. Sigue Manolo, que despues estamos en los Records Guinnes. A los 20 Km dice: No doy mÃ¡s Pepe, no doy mÃ¡s. Sigue, sigue, que ya
- [Manolo llega a su casa](https://oldnewjokes.com/manolo-llega-a-su-casa/) - Manolo llega a su casa y encuentra a la Pilarica, su mujer, refocilÃ¡ndose con otro. TrÃ©mulo, amenaza: Â¡Ahora mismo me tiro del quinto piso! Pero, Manolo, si la casa es de una sola planta... Â¡No me importa, me tiro 4 o 5 veces y ya estÃ¡!, grita despechado.
- [Presidential election](https://oldnewjokes.com/presidential-election-1/) - Al Gores wife held a press conference today at the White House where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Al, and wearing no panties. Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied Read my lips. No
- [Little Johnny at the neighbors...](https://oldnewjokes.com/little-johnny-at-the-neighbors-1/) - Little Johnny s next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnnys family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnnys parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say
- [If she went out with me](https://oldnewjokes.com/if-she-went-out-with-me/) - A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didnt smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar, he saw the local jock of the towns football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend
- [They have a new poster out to build Austrailian pride.](https://oldnewjokes.com/they-have-a-new-poster-out-to-build-austrailian-pride/) - it says: Australia-Land of strong men (and nervous sheep)
- [Whats An Orgasm?](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-an-orgasm/) - Whats an orgasm, mom? I dont know, dear...ask your father.
- [Mirror, Mirror on the Wall](https://oldnewjokes.com/mirror-mirror-on-the-wall/) - Mirror, mirror on the wall Do you have to tell it all? Where do you get the glaring right To make my clothes look just too tight? I think Im fine but I can see you wont cooperate with me; The way you let the shadows play Youd think my hair was getting gray Whats
- [Sour Grapes](https://oldnewjokes.com/sour-grapes/) - This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any grapes?The bartender says no, and the duck leaves.The next day, the duck returns and asks, Do you have any grapes? The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks
- [Una bella poetisa se pasea](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-bella-poetisa-se-pasea/) - Una bella poetisa se pasea por la ribera de un rÃ­o y se acerca a un galante pescador, que estÃ¡ sacando sus redes del agua, y le pregunta: Â¿A quÃ© te dedicas, buen hombre? Soy pescador, seÃ±orita. Â¿A quÃ© se dedica usted? Yo soy poetisa. Si quiere, en este momento le compongo un poema. Â¡Me
- [Una moto (un Vespino) se](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-moto-un-vespino-se/) - Una moto (un Vespino) se pone al lado de un Ferrari para pedirle fuego y el tÃ­o del coche mira el marcador y ve que va 200 x hora y le pisa mÃ¡s, y el Vespino se pone otra vez al lado y le pide fuego y el del Ferrari mira otra vez el marcador
- [3 Sick Soldiers...](https://oldnewjokes.com/3-sick-soldiers-1/) - An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks - Whats your problem, Soldier? Chronic syphilis, Sir! What treatment are you getting? Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir! Whats your ambition? To get back to the front lines, Sir! Good man! says the Major. He goes to
- [The French national anthem is](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-french-national-anthem-is/) - The French national anthem is mayonnaise.
- [When Mother Teresa died she](https://oldnewjokes.com/when-mother-teresa-died-she-1/) - When Mother Teresa died she went straight to heaven. Upon her arival St. Peter informed her that theyve been expecting her. She was the given her Angel wings for all the great work she did on earth and her angel Halo. Later on that day Mother Teresa was walking around heaven when she saw Princess
- [Life is a sexually transmitted](https://oldnewjokes.com/life-is-a-sexually-transmitted/) - Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
- [A stone was placed at](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-stone-was-placed-at-1/)
- [Pregnant irish woman at childbirth](https://oldnewjokes.com/pregnant-irish-woman-at-childbirth/) - Although in recent years, the Irish seem to have been shamefully neglected as a good group to ridicule (except perhaps in the UK), I come from a huge (what other kind is there?) Irish family, and telling jokes at our own expense occupies a lot of our time at family gatherings, e.g.: A VERY pregnant
- [A Blonde Kidnapper](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-blonde-kidnapper/) - A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you. She then wrote a note saying, Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning,
- [We Can Fix It](https://oldnewjokes.com/we-can-fix-it/) - A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the
- [Una vez cuando un padre](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-vez-cuando-un-padre/) - Una vez cuando un padre estaba comenzando la misa empezÃ³ un terremoto y la gente en la iglesia comenzaron a gritar y el padre les dice: Hijos mÃ­os, recen un Padre nuestro. Y empezaron: Padre nuestro... Pero luego la intensidad del terremoto fue mayor y el padre dice: Hijos mÃ­os, recen un Ave MarÃ­a. Y
- [Clinton in Hell](https://oldnewjokes.com/clinton-in-hell/) - After Bill Clinton Dies he goes directly to Hell. Upon arriving he is met by Satan, who informs him that Hell is currently full but since he REALLY deserves to be there, they will make special arrangements by letting someone else leave to make room for Bill. And, as a special favor, he will be
- [Monica Lewinski walks into a](https://oldnewjokes.com/monica-lewinski-walks-into-a/) - Monica Lewinski walks into a cleaners carrying her blue dress. After she dropped it off for it to be cleaned and was about to walk out the door, the little chinese man behind the counter said, Come again! No Monica says, This time its mayonaise!
- [Three AM comes around and](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-am-comes-around-and-1/) - Three AM comes around and Hillary tries to wake up Bill. Bill mumbles What? Hillary gives him another shake. Im sleeping. says Bill, and he falls back asleep. Finally Hillary pushes him out of bed. Bill gets up off the floor and says OK, Im up. What do you want? I have to go to
- [Yo mama so fat...](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-so-fat-29/) - Yo mama so fat she got her own magnetic poles.
- [Arnold:the musical](https://oldnewjokes.com/arnoldthe-musical/) - Stallone, Tony Danza ,and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers. Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says hell be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says Ill be Bach!
- [Oy!](https://oldnewjokes.com/oy/) - Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery. After a while the first woman sighed, Oy! The others sighed sympathetically. Then the second woman sighed, Oy Vey! The others nodded. A third woman said, Oy, Gottenyu! The others nodded as if in agreement. Finally,
- [santa + banta](https://oldnewjokes.com/santa-banta/) - Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidently,the photograph fell down from his pocket.He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a womans saree. He asked her Can you lift that saree? I
- [Laying off employees](https://oldnewjokes.com/laying-off-employees/) - Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasnt making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have
- [A tornado goes through your](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-tornado-goes-through-your/) - A tornado goes through your trailers yard and makes it look neater.Youve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
- [LAUNCHED ON THE](https://oldnewjokes.com/launched-on-the/) - LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULYThree young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball
- [Taking Out the Garbage](https://oldnewjokes.com/taking-out-the-garbage-1/) - What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan? One dead person in ten trashcans
- [More Redneck Clues.](https://oldnewjokes.com/more-redneck-clues-1/) - Even more clues you could be a Redneck... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Youve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil. You think the Bud Bowl is real. Your dog goes oink! You think the Nutcracker is something you did off
- [Thirsty Kid](https://oldnewjokes.com/thirsty-kid/) - A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: Da-ad... What? Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water? No. You had your chance. Lights out. Five minutes later: Da-aaaad... WHAT? Im THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water?? I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have
- [If your next pot of](https://oldnewjokes.com/if-your-next-pot-of/) - If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
- [The squeaky wheel doesnt always](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-squeaky-wheel-doesnt-always/) - The squeaky wheel doesnt always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
- [Who keeps saying those things?](https://oldnewjokes.com/who-keeps-saying-those-things/) - A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively Youve got great hair! The man looked around but couldnt see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.A minute later, he heard the
- [boy or girl kittens?](https://oldnewjokes.com/boy-or-girl-kittens/) - A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. How did you know? his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied. I think its printed on the bottom.
- [Lying politicians](https://oldnewjokes.com/lying-politicians/) - A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. A
- [A story behind a gun](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-story-behind-a-gun/) - Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He
- [Se encuentran dos amigos en](https://oldnewjokes.com/se-encuentran-dos-amigos-en/) - Se encuentran dos amigos en un bar y uno le dice al otro: Vamos a hacer un negocio, Â¿CuÃ¡nto me das si te vendo a mi suegra? El otro responde: Por tu suegra, ni un centavo. Okay, trato hecho.
- [Small feet](https://oldnewjokes.com/small-feet/) - Q: Why do women have small feet? A: To get closer to the sink.
- [Bungee Jump](https://oldnewjokes.com/bungee-jump/) - Your Momma is so fat . . . She went bungee jumping and went straight to Hell.
- [Sometimes I think we are](https://oldnewjokes.com/sometimes-i-think-we-are/) - Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.
- [Seems Bill wasted all that](https://oldnewjokes.com/seems-bill-wasted-all-that/) - Seems Bill wasted all that energy running for President. He thought they said the Oral Office.
- [Those who cant write, write](https://oldnewjokes.com/those-who-cant-write-write/) - Those who cant write, write help files.
- [Blonde Friday](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-friday/) - A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, T-G-I-F? (letters only). He smiled at her and replied,S-H-I-T (letters only). She looked at him, puzzled, and said, T-G-I-F again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, S-H-I-T.
- [New years resolutions for internet junkies](https://oldnewjokes.com/new-years-resolutions-for-internet-junkies/) - I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband). I resolve to work with neglected children - my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages
- [Blonde with Money](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-with-money/) - A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy. The brunette replied, "I think Ill buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?" The blonde said, "I think Im gonna buy a new butt, because
- [En una ocasin, se reunieron](https://oldnewjokes.com/en-una-ocasin-se-reunieron/) - En una ocasiÃ³n, se reunieron unos veteranos de guerra para platicar sobre las experiencias que les habian ocurrido durante la guerra. Uno de ellos comenta: No me van a creer, pero en una ocasiÃ³n, iba corriendo por el campo enemigo y Â¿quÃ© creen?, caÃ­ dentro de una letrina. Sus amigos le contestan: NO PUEDE SER
- [Really Stupid People](https://oldnewjokes.com/really-stupid-people/) - Really Stupid People A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the films depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave
- [Masons First Law of Synergism:](https://oldnewjokes.com/masons-first-law-of-synergism/) - Masons First Law of Synergism: The one day youd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
- [Rudolph got run over by my grandma](https://oldnewjokes.com/rudolph-got-run-over-by-my-grandma/) - CHORUS Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma just as he arrived on Christmas Day She had gotten sick and tired of hearin that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh. Shed been listening to the radio and she nearly lost her breath yellin cuss words at the DJ for playin that song where
- [Top ten signs you bought the wrong computer](https://oldnewjokes.com/top-ten-signs-you-bought-the-wrong-computer/) - The biggest fear of any computer user is that you just blew several grand on a clunker thats not even fit for a boat anchor. Try these dead giveaways on for size: The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers. The infrared cordless keyboard
- [HELP...911](https://oldnewjokes.com/help911/) - A man frantically calls 911 and says, help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart. 911: is this her first child?. Man: Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!
- [Q: What do you call an eternity?](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-what-do-you-call-an-eternity/) - A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
- [What has 4 legs and one arm?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-has-4-legs-and-one-arm/) - A Doberman in a childrens playground!
- [Wheres ya bin? (down under)](https://oldnewjokes.com/wheres-ya-bin-down-under/) - Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the
- [The Holiday Nightmare](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-holiday-nightmare/) - The Holiday Nightmare (to the tune of Santa Claus is comming to town.) You better give upOn Christmas this year--You havent a chanceWith relatives here--Sam and Roz are coming to town. Theyre bringing thier kidsTo add to your fun--Theyre staying ten days;You thought it was one--Sam and Roz are coming to town. Theyll monopolize your
- [Three prostitutes -- a mother,](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-prostitutes-a-mother/) - Three prostitutes -- a mother, daughter and grandmother -- lived together. One night the daughter came home looking very down. How did you do tonight, dear? asked her mother. Not too good. I got only 20 dollars for a blow job. Wow! said the mother. In my day we gave a blow job for 5
- [Una vez un mexicano, un](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-vez-un-mexicano-un/) - Una vez un mexicano, un francÃ©s y un estadounidense estaban discutiendo acerca de quien era el hombre mÃ¡s rapido. El francÃ©s les dijo: Yo me subo a la torre Eifel y lanzo dos huevos, bajo corriendo, salgo y los cacho. Luego el estadounidense dice: Yo soy mÃ¡s rÃ¡pido. Subo a la Estatua de la Libertad,
- [Un turista regresa a su](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-turista-regresa-a-su/) - Un turista regresa a su paÃ­s con un pollito que le habÃ­an regalado de recuerdo. En el aviÃ³n, la azafata le explica que no se pueden llevar animales; asÃ­ que el viajero sale, se esconde el pollito en los calzoncillos y vuelve a entrar al aparato. Se sienta al lado de una monjita y se
- [You just might be a Redneck if...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-just-might-be-a-redneck-if-1/) - You Just Might Be A Redneck If... Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of Most Admired People. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, yall watch this! Youve got more than one
- [Feel the love](https://oldnewjokes.com/feel-the-love/) - One day a woman was walking with her teenage daughter. The daughter asked, Mom, what exactly is Heaven? The woman replied, Heaven is when a big strong handsome man pulls my panties down or when we go under the sheets at anytime of the day. Then what, the daughter asked, is Hell? Her mother replied,
- [<H3>******** ANTI-WAR MASS HAX by paintballer(at)linuxmail.org *******</H3>](https://oldnewjokes.com/lth3gt-anti-war-mass-hax-by-paintballeratlinuxmailorg-lth3gt/) - ******** ANTI-WAR MASS HAX by paintballer(at)linuxmail.org *******
- [Microsoft related quote du jour](https://oldnewjokes.com/microsoft-related-quote-du-jour/) - A world that has no walls needs neither windows nor gates. (Anonymous linux programmer)
- [Drunken Man and Blonde](https://oldnewjokes.com/drunken-man-and-blonde-1/) - After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, You wanna hear a blonde joke? The person replies, I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190
- [College Courses for Women](https://oldnewjokes.com/college-courses-for-women/) - 1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before. 2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits. 3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You dont need new shoes everyday. 4...Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people. 5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a
- [25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers in The Movies...](https://oldnewjokes.com/25-interesting-things-that-you-learn-about-computers-in-the-movies/) - 1. Word processors never display a cursor.2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.5. Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that
- [Una pareja se casa y](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-pareja-se-casa-y-1/) - Una pareja se casa y se van de luna de miel. El novio, joven e inexperto, en la noche de bodas se duerme sin decirle nada a la novia y Ã©sta piensa que de plano el novio estaba muy cansado tras la parranda. A la noche siguiente sucede lo mismo y al amanecer del tercer
- [Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac](https://oldnewjokes.com/dyslexic-agnostic-insomniac-1/) - Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
- [Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter:](https://oldnewjokes.com/arbitrator-ar-bi-tray-ter/) - Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
- [Things Youll Never Hear A Woman Say](https://oldnewjokes.com/things-youll-never-hear-a-woman-say/) - She was wearing the same outfit as mine, but who cares? And, it looked better on her! Lets skip that sale, I really dont need anything anyway. What do you mean todays our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? Id rather just watch TV. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big! Can
- [Vocabulary](https://oldnewjokes.com/vocabulary/) - 1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish. 2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah. 3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas.
- [Getting the car keys from a kinky dad (sick)](https://oldnewjokes.com/getting-the-car-keys-from-a-kinky-dad-sick/) - warning: this is really sick joke! A young teenage girl wants to borrow the car from her father. She asks for the keys, and father says You know the rules... Before I can give you the keys, you have to give me a blow job. She thinks... its not worth it, and goes back upstairs
- [You might be a redneck if...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-redneck-if-142/) - You might be a redneck if... You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
- [10 short Clinton jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/10-short-clinton-jokes/) - Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. Whats the new game theyre playing in the White House? Swallow the Leader. What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? Sat on the Presidential Staff In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with President
- [Pretending to be a Lawyer (adult)](https://oldnewjokes.com/pretending-to-be-a-lawyer-adult/) - There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer. So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her
- [Hand Falls Off](https://oldnewjokes.com/hand-falls-off/) - Q: Where do you go when your hand falls off? A: To the second-hand store!
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Wannetta! Wannetta who? Wannetta time](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therewannettawannetta-whowannetta-time/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Wannetta!Wannetta who?Wannetta time please!
- [Three Strings Walk Into the Bar](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-strings-walk-into-the-bar/) - There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didnt get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, Im sorry buddy we dont serve strings in here. The string walks back to the table and and tells his
- [First Rule of History:](https://oldnewjokes.com/first-rule-of-history/) - First Rule of History: History doesnt repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
- [It is better to be](https://oldnewjokes.com/it-is-better-to-be-1/) - It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
- [Substitute Minister](https://oldnewjokes.com/substitute-minister/) - In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on
- [About old man](https://oldnewjokes.com/about-old-man/) - Why old man cant walk? because he got a walk sick.
- [Unfaithful Wife](https://oldnewjokes.com/unfaithful-wife/) - A wealthy man goes to his office one morning. When he gets there he realizes that he has left his wallet at home and there is something important in it that he needs. He gets on the phone, calls home where the butler answers. James, I left my wallet in my pants, and I need
- [You might be a redneck if...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-redneck-if-162/) - You might be a redneck if... Youve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
- [30 Fun Things to Do in the Elevator](https://oldnewjokes.com/30-fun-things-to-do-in-the-elevator/) - Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, Shut up, dammit, all of you shut up! Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, Got enough
- [Talmud](https://oldnewjokes.com/talmud/) - Rabbi, the man said, Please explain the Talmud to me. Very well, he said. First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself? The dirty one, answers the man. No. They look at each other and
- [You pick up your girfriend](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-pick-up-your-girfriend/) - You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, About what?
- [El indio chico le pregunta](https://oldnewjokes.com/el-indio-chico-le-pregunta/) - El indio chico le pregunta al papÃ¡ indio: PapÃ¡, decirme Â¿cÃ³mo hacer tÃº para ponerle nombre a mi hermano mayor? Bueno, responde el papÃ¡ indio, cuando nacer tu hermano, lo primero que ver yo al salir de la carpa ser un Ã¡guila blanca volando, asÃ­ es que ponerle a tu hermano Aguila Blanca. Â¿Y cÃ³mo
- [Un joven se sube a](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-joven-se-sube-a/) - Un joven se sube a un tren, y entra en un camarote en el que viajaban un seÃ±or con aspecto muy respetable acompaÃ±ado de su hija de 18 aÃ±os, y en el asiento de enfrente un cadete. El joven se sienta junto a la hija y se quedan todos muy callados mientras parte el tren.
- [Un tipo llega muy borracho](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-tipo-llega-muy-borracho/) - Un tipo llega muy borracho a la puerta de su casa y empieza a gritar: MarÃ­Ã­Ã­Ã­a, MarÃ­Ã­Ã­Ã­a Su esposa se acerca a la ventana y le reclama: Â¡Otra vez borracho, es el colmo! Â¿Y ahora, quÃ© quieres? Â¿QuÃ© te tire la llave? No, la llave si la tengo, mÃ¡s bien tÃ­rame el hueco de la
- [Aspiring psychiatrists](https://oldnewjokes.com/aspiring-psychiatrists/) - The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters, said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, What is the opposite of joy? Sadness, said the student. And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. Elation, she said. And you sir, he said
- [Teacher put down](https://oldnewjokes.com/teacher-put-down/) - My favorite teacher put-down comment goes back to Samuel Johnson: Your paper is both interesting and original; however, the original part is not interesting, and the interesting part is not original.
- [Desire Matures](https://oldnewjokes.com/desire-matures/) - When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts. In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she
- [Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-jewish-mothers-does-it-take-to-screw-in-a-light-bulb/) - A: None. (Thats all right...Ill just sit here in the dark...)
- [The Colonel wont be proud...](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-colonel-wont-be-proud/) - ((( Got this from a colleague. Possibly apocryphal, purportedly true. In any case, too good to keep quiet. Enjoy! HR ))) The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
- [Job Hunting](https://oldnewjokes.com/job-hunting/) - A blind man arrives at a lumber camp & asks for a job. The boss advises him due to the fact he is blind & lumber work is very dangerous there are no available postions. The blind man protests & advises the boss he is able to identify trees buy smell & could go out
- [Prison Cell Graffiti](https://oldnewjokes.com/prison-cell-graffiti/) - For a good time, hire a hooker,For a lot of time, hire my attorney.--Anonymous Prison Cell Graffiti
- [Close Shave](https://oldnewjokes.com/close-shave-1/) - A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.Just place this between your cheek and gum.The client places
- [Ever wonder what you call](https://oldnewjokes.com/ever-wonder-what-you-call/) - Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?Being rich and it dont mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
- [New computer doctor](https://oldnewjokes.com/new-computer-doctor/) - One day Pete was complaining to his friend my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor. His friend said Dont do that. Theres a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. Its quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem
- [Odds For Meeting A Female](https://oldnewjokes.com/odds-for-meeting-a-female/) - The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
- [A hungry baby](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-hungry-baby/) - A woman with a baby visited the doctors office. She was escorted to an examination room and told to wait for the doctor. The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked the woman, Is he breast fed or bottle fed? Breast fed, she replied. Please, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did.
- [Tampax](https://oldnewjokes.com/tampax/) - A little boy went to the doctors office and was just a little bit nervous, because he had to get a shot today. The doctor noticed this and tried to calm him down, If you had a million dollars what would you get? The little boy thought for a minute and said, A box of
- [True Confessions (risque)](https://oldnewjokes.com/true-confessions-risque/) - The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
- [A Prince, among men](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-prince-among-men/) - Paraphrased from a comedian on one of the Improv shows - My wife really loves Prince. The other night in bed, she said, Make love like Prince would. And I said, Sure, honey, is your brother home?
- [The True Alcoholic](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-true-alcoholic/) - Did you hear the one about the alcoholic who was stranded on a desert island? He found a bottle floating near the shore. When he opened it, out popped a genie; his salvation! The genie said, Ill grant you two wishes, to which the alcoholic replied quickly with his first wish, Id like a never
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Alexia! Alexia who? Alexia again](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therealexiaalexia-whoalexia-again/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Alexia!Alexia who?Alexia again to open this door!
- [Q:  How many Einsteins](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-einsteins/) - Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. Its all relative.
- [Catch her eye](https://oldnewjokes.com/catch-her-eye/) - A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her.Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively
- [Una pareja va al mdico;](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-pareja-va-al-mdico/) - Una pareja va al mÃ©dico; el que habla es el marido: Mire dostor, tenemos un problema: mi mujer y yo queremos tener condescendencia, pero no sabemos si es porque yo soy omnipotente o porque ella es histÃ©rica. Antes hemos ido a otro dostor y nos dijo que mi mujer tenÃ­a la vajilla rota y la
- [A cabbie picks up a nun...](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-cabbie-picks-up-a-nun/) - A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I dont want to offend you. She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When youre
- [In a survey of American](https://oldnewjokes.com/in-a-survey-of-american-1/)
- [Naughty Emicons!](https://oldnewjokes.com/naughty-emicons/) - We all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some assicons? Heres a few: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_^^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a
- [Heart Battle](https://oldnewjokes.com/heart-battle/) - Q: What do you get when 2 hearts fight? A: A heart attack!
- [Blonde and a Pig](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-and-a-pig/) - A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, Where did you get that? The pig says, I won her in a raffle!
- [Redneck Jokes joke #11000](https://oldnewjokes.com/redneck-jokes-joke-11000/) - The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an
- [Eve was first?](https://oldnewjokes.com/eve-was-first/) - One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!Whats the problem, Eve? God asks her. Lord, she says, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy. Why is
- [Twinkle Eye](https://oldnewjokes.com/twinkle-eye/) - Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- [Three Dogs](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-dogs-3/) - The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog, are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words liver and cheese, in the same sentence can have me. So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese. The female Collie
- [Caveman History](https://oldnewjokes.com/caveman-history/) - Q: Why did cavemen drag their women back to the cave by the hair? A: If they dragged them by the ankles, they would fill up with dirt!
- [The customs of an Irishman](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-customs-of-an-irishman/) - An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after
- [Sam and Bessie are in](https://oldnewjokes.com/sam-and-bessie-are-in/) - Sam and Bessie are in their 80s. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, So, do you notice anything different about me?Whats different? Its the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. Whats different?Frustrated, Sam goes into
- [In Tune](https://oldnewjokes.com/in-tune-1/) - Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. The husband says, WHAT?? The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The
- [Question On Breastfeeding](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-on-breastfeeding/) - While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question: Have you ever breast fed your baby? a) Yes...b) No...c) Dont know Dont know? Huh?
- [Yes or No](https://oldnewjokes.com/yes-or-no/) - Dr. Daves Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
- [Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-are-there-so-many-johnsons-in-the-phone-book/) - Because they all have phones.
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Juicy! Juicy who! Juicy what](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therejuicyjuicy-whojuicy-what/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Juicy!Juicy who!Juicy what I just saw!
- [Blonde with a cellphone...oh-oh!](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-with-a-cellphoneoh-oh-1/) - A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone
- [Black convertable](https://oldnewjokes.com/black-convertable/) - Why dont blacks drive convertables? The wind would make their lips beat them to death.
- [Your wife - Wrestler](https://oldnewjokes.com/your-wife-wrestler/) - I hear your wifes a good wrestler, but personally I want too see her box.
- [Crazy person fishing](https://oldnewjokes.com/crazy-person-fishing/) - While strolling around in a mental hospital, the doctor saw a patient fishing in a garbage can. The doctor decided to speak to the patient. He went and sat beside him and decided to humor the patient first. So how many fish did you catch today? he asked. You must be crazy, dont you know
- [Wanna Hear A Polish Joke?](https://oldnewjokes.com/wanna-hear-a-polish-joke/) - Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy at next table. Want to hear the worldss worst Polish Joke? #2 says Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? Theyre Polish. And those two bouncers
- [Life of an Egg](https://oldnewjokes.com/life-of-an-egg/) - So you think your life is bad... Just think how bad the life of an egg is... You only get laid once You only get eaten once It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft You have to share a box with 11 other guys And the only chick that
- [Bake A Long Time](https://oldnewjokes.com/bake-a-long-time/) - Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
- [Hearing Voices](https://oldnewjokes.com/hearing-voices/) - Man: Doc, youve gotta help me. Im hearing voices but I dont see people. Doc: And when are you hearing these voices? Man: When Im on the telephone.
- [Automotive tools](https://oldnewjokes.com/automotive-tools/) - HAMMER:Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANICS KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
- [Q:  How many Union](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-union/) - Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Eight. One to change the bulb, three to watch him work, one to supervise, one to make the tea, and two to phone in to say that they cant make it in to work today.
- [stupid blonde](https://oldnewjokes.com/stupid-blonde-1/) - how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?1001 1 to hold the bulb and a thousand to turn the building
- [Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-what-do-you-call-a-blonde-in-an-institution-of/) - Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.
- [Lawyers Deathbed](https://oldnewjokes.com/lawyers-deathbed/) - A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, What is it, honey? He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to
- [Bear and rabbit](https://oldnewjokes.com/bear-and-rabbit/) - A bear was chasing a rabbit around the woods, when the rabbit came across a magic frog. He said that if they stopped fighting hed grant them 3 wishes each Bear, you go first the frog said. So the bear wished that all the bears in the wood except him were female. The rabbit then
- [Seconds to live](https://oldnewjokes.com/seconds-to-live/) - Man walks into the Doctors office. I have the results of your test and Im afraid your going to die Says the Doctor. The Man asks How long do I have to live? Ten, replies the Doctor. What the hell does that mean, the Man asks. Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What? The Doctor
- [Wee Jordy](https://oldnewjokes.com/wee-jordy/) - One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says; ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand! wee jordy says aye lass that i do, but how can you tell? Well she says i can tell by
- [Marital Sex Humor](https://oldnewjokes.com/marital-sex-humor/) - The three stages of marital sex: Honeymoon sex: This is where you have sex three or four times a night. Vacation sex: This is where you have sex ten or twelve times a year. Oral sex: This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from your spouse and yell FUCK YOU.
- [College rules](https://oldnewjokes.com/college-rules-2/) - On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
- [Whats the difference between Jesus and Madonn](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-the-difference-between-jesus-and-madonn/) - Whats the difference between Jesus and Madonna?Jesus was only resurrected once.
- [Fun to do during an exam](https://oldnewjokes.com/fun-to-do-during-an-exam-45/) - You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
- [Drinking Buddies](https://oldnewjokes.com/drinking-buddies-5/) - Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says So where are you from, then?Im from Ireland.Me too! Ill drink to that.They both finish their pints and order two more.Where in Ireland are
- [The Internet Explained](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-internet-explained/) - The Internet Explained (This is a VERY long joke - but quite amusing) NOTE: This is a pretty long piece, but we figured that if youre stuck in the office or at home for the weekend, you have some time to kick back and read. Its really good So here it is - The Internet
- [Catholic Moms](https://oldnewjokes.com/catholic-moms-1/) - Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father. The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace. The third Catholic woman says smugly, My
- [The obscure we see eventually;](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-obscure-we-see-eventually/) - The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
- [gay sperm](https://oldnewjokes.com/gay-sperm/) - What did one gay sperm say to the other? How we suppose to find an egg in all this shit?
- [What does D.N.A stand for?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-does-dna-stand-for/) - NationalDyslexicAssociation
- [Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-why-do-blondes-have-see-through-lunch-box-lids/) - A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.
- [Di and Dolly Go To Heaven](https://oldnewjokes.com/di-and-dolly-go-to-heaven/) - Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter said Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...its our
- [Yo Mamas So Ugly](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mamas-so-ugly-1/) - Yo mama so ugly, she took a beauty nap and slipped into a coma!
- [It is once](https://oldnewjokes.com/it-is-once-8/) - It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened
- [Justice prevailed](https://oldnewjokes.com/justice-prevailed/) - A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: â€œJustice prevailed.â€ The senior partner replied in haste, â€œAppeal immediately!
- [Dos amigos granjeros se encuentran](https://oldnewjokes.com/dos-amigos-granjeros-se-encuentran/) - Dos amigos granjeros se encuentran Hola, Â¿cÃ³mo te ha ido? Pues un poco mal: acabo de comprar un toro porque ya tenÃ­a muchas vacas; pero este toro no resultÃ³ muy bueno, es impotente. No te preocupes, yo tenÃ­a un toro igual y fui con un buen veterinario y le recetÃ³ unas pastillas pequeÃ±itas, buenÃ­simas; desde
- [Yo Mamma so fat...](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mamma-so-fat-4/) - YO mamma is so fat...she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!
- [Student Raise of Grade Form](https://oldnewjokes.com/student-raise-of-grade-form/) - Dear Professor:______________________________Date:________ My grade in _______________ should be raised from __________ to ______ because: There must be a mistake somewhere. I was not well at the time of the examination. My mind always goes blank during an examination. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship. This is the only course in which I
- [When in doubt, use brute](https://oldnewjokes.com/when-in-doubt-use-brute/) - When in doubt, use brute force.
- [You know youve been in college too long when...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-know-youve-been-in-college-too-long-when/) - You actually like doing laundry at home. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. Youd rather clean than study. Oh man how did it get so late! comes out of your mouth at least once a night. Moms meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid. Half the time you
- [The Garden Of Eden](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-garden-of-eden-1/) - Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, Lord, I have a problem. And the Lord said, Whats the matter, Eve? I know that You created me and this beautiful garden ... but Im lonely ... and Im sick of eating apples. Well, in that case, replied the Almight, Ill create a man for you.
- [Kids Say The Darnest Things !!!!!](https://oldnewjokes.com/kids-say-the-darnest-things-1/) - TEACHER: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday? JACK: 7 years old TEACHER: How old are you going to be on your next birthday? JACK: 9 years old TEACHER: Thats impossible! JACK: No its not. Im 8 today. TEACHER: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is. MIKE: Here it
- [Top 50 Jokes!](https://oldnewjokes.com/top-50-jokes/) - Montreal Gazettes Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival. ----------------------------------------------------------------- 1. (On going to war over religion:) Youre basically killing each other to see whos got the better imaginary friend. 2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway? 3. (On the difference between
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Violet! Violet who? Violet the](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therevioletviolet-whoviolet-the/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Violet!Violet who?Violet the cat out of the bag!
- [Question and answer Clinton joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-clinton-joke-21/) - Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?A: When Hillary leaves town.
- [The Cesium song 11](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-cesium-song-11/) - Cesium Glows(Tune, Loves a Rose - Neil Young)Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,Its fire grows when its on the tongue.Lips full of holes, youll know youve kissed it,Just take a bite if you want to die young.I want to see whats never been seen,I want to dream that Cesium dream.Come on love, we
- [Estaban dos borrachos en la](https://oldnewjokes.com/estaban-dos-borrachos-en-la/) - Estaban dos borrachos en la cantina, hasta las chanclas y sin dinero. Y uno le dice al otro: Ya vÃ¡monos. Â¿Y adÃ³nde vamos a ir? Pues a mÃ­ se me antoja hacer el amor, Â¿cÃ³mo ves? Pues sÃ­, pero no tenemos dinero para gastar. No importa. Â¡Nada mÃ¡s no nos cobramos!
- [African diplomacy](https://oldnewjokes.com/african-diplomacy/) - The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. Theyd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.The American frowned. Russian
- [Worst Sex](https://oldnewjokes.com/worst-sex/) - A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, Man, Im dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock.
- [Not feeling well...](https://oldnewjokes.com/not-feeling-well/) - A woman was not feeling well. So she visited her doctor. The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly, Mrs Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot. What!?! You mean my foot has to be
- [Getting a Lawyer to Give to the United Way](https://oldnewjokes.com/getting-a-lawyer-to-give-to-the-united-way/) - The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
- [Dont mess with this cowboy](https://oldnewjokes.com/dont-mess-with-this-cowboy/) - A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above
- [Dead Babies](https://oldnewjokes.com/dead-babies/) - What is easier to fill a dump truck up with.. dead babies or bowling balls? Dead babies.. because you can use a pitchfork.
- [Leaving money for the dead](https://oldnewjokes.com/leaving-money-for-the-dead/) - A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so theyâ€™ll have something to spend over there.They all agreed that this
- [Una muchacha estaba a pocos](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-muchacha-estaba-a-pocos/) - Una muchacha estaba a pocos dÃ­as de casarse solo que el vestido le quedaba muy largo, asÃ­ que le pidiÃ³ a su mamÃ¡ que se lo recortara, pero la mamÃ¡ no podÃ­a debido a que se encontraba ocupada. Entonces decidiÃ³ preguntarle a su abuela para ver si le recortaba el vestido, pero la abuela tambiÃ©n
- [Getting out of a Speeding Ticket](https://oldnewjokes.com/getting-out-of-a-speeding-ticket/) - Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding? The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window. Ive been waiting for you all day, the cop said. The guy replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. When the cop finally stopped
- [Anita](https://oldnewjokes.com/anita/) - Knock knock. Whos there? Anita. Anita who? Anita nother 50Â¢ so I can buy dessert!
- [Question and answer blonde joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-blonde-joke-95/) - Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
- [Montana --- At least our](https://oldnewjokes.com/montana-at-least-our/) - Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
- [Elephant and Man](https://oldnewjokes.com/elephant-and-man-1/) - What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?
- [Jesus, Moses, and an old man golfing](https://oldnewjokes.com/jesus-moses-and-an-old-man-golfing/) - Jesus, Moses, and an old man were golfing one day. Moses teed off first and hit a wicked slice into the pond. Unflustered, Moses walked down to the pond, raised his staff (er, club) and the waters parted. Moses walked to his ball and chipped it up onto the green. Jesus was up next and
- [Dear Pastor - the tales children write](https://oldnewjokes.com/dear-pastor-the-tales-children-write/) - Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day
- [Blonde Sells Car](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-sells-car/) - A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell,
- [Una secretaria llega a la](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-secretaria-llega-a-la-1/) - Una secretaria llega a la oficina con un impresionante abrigo de visÃ³n. Asombrada, su compaÃ±era le pregunta que de dÃ³nde lo ha sacado. Pues mira, ayer el jefe me invitÃ³ a cenar; despuÃ©s me llevÃ³ a su casa; abriÃ³ un gran armario lleno de maravillosos abrigos y me dijo: escoge el que quieras, y yo
- [Una tipa entra a un](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-tipa-entra-a-un/) - Una tipa entra a un bar. DespuÃ©s de beberse dos cervezas pone veinte pesos en la barra y declara que puede mear mÃ¡s alto que cualquier hombre. RÃ¡pidamente dos tipos aceptan la apuesta. Yo primero, dice la mujer. Se quita la falda y los panties; se acuesta en el suelo levantando las piernas y empieza
- [A college student](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-college-student/) - A college student is home for the summer from college, and is looking for ajob. He goes to K-Mart, and fills out an application. A few days later, themanager calls him and asks him to come in for an interview, which the studentdoes. When the student arrives, the manager sits him down and says Well
- [Everyone breaks more than the](https://oldnewjokes.com/everyone-breaks-more-than-the/) - Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
- [How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-many-frat-guys-does-it-take-to-screw-in-a-light-bulb/) - Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
- [Id explain it to you,](https://oldnewjokes.com/id-explain-it-to-you/) - Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- [Bouncing Baby Boy Balls](https://oldnewjokes.com/bouncing-baby-boy-balls/) - There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didnt know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked whats wrong? The
- [The Insomniac](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-insomniac/) - How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? Its a guy who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.
- [Free Beer](https://oldnewjokes.com/free-beer/) - A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender replies Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the
- [Why did God give us alcohol?](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-did-god-give-us-alcohol/) - Q: Why did God give us alcohol? A: So ugly people can have sex too.
- [The development of a new programming language](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-development-of-a-new-programming-language/) - Ive heard theres a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. Its called Algor.There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And its not a very powerful language either, since it wont allow you to alter the operating environment. Its survival is also partially dependent upon an even
- [Blonde Swimmer](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-swimmer/) - A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starters gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, The gold medal
- [Beware of altruism.  It](https://oldnewjokes.com/beware-of-altruism-it/) - Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
- [People who push both elevator](https://oldnewjokes.com/people-who-push-both-elevator/) - People who push both elevator buttons should get their wish.
- [My inferiority complex is not](https://oldnewjokes.com/my-inferiority-complex-is-not/) - My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
- [Diary of a snow shoveler](https://oldnewjokes.com/diary-of-a-snow-shoveler/) - Forwarded from a snow-bound friend in Washington December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea Ive ever had. Shoveled for the first time in
- [The insane biological researcher](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-insane-biological-researcher/) - Some biological researcher experimented with a flea. He puts it on the table and says: Jump! The flea jumps 3 meters, so he writes down to his log: The flea has jumped 3 meters. Afterwards he cuts one of its legs off and says again: Jump! The flea jumps only 2 meters, so he writes
- [Deliverance](https://oldnewjokes.com/deliverance/) - The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude. Thats OK with me, honey, says her husband. Ill go get some wood for the fire. About thirty minutes later,
- [Female Hormones in Beer](https://oldnewjokes.com/female-hormones-in-beer/) - Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer
- [Gravol Label](https://oldnewjokes.com/gravol-label/) - I just bought some Gravol for my kids. Its even called Gravol for Children. It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following: Caution: Do not exceed the
- [Knock Knock Whos there? De Niro! De Niro](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therede-nirode-niro/) - Knock KnockWhos there?De Niro!De Niro who?De Niro I am to you, the more I like you!
- [Question and answer Clinton joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-clinton-joke-123/) - Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?A: He is stupid!
- [Manual prctico para entender el](https://oldnewjokes.com/manual-prctico-para-entender-el/) - Manual prÃ¡ctico para entender el espaÃ±ol de los hombres Si un hombre dice: Tengo hambre = Tengo hambre. Tengo sueÃ±o = Tengo sueÃ±o. Estoy cansado = Estoy cansado. Hablemos = Estoy tratando de impresionarte, para que pienses que soy un hombre profundo y accedas a tener sexo conmigo (comprobado). Pareces tensa, Â¿te doy un masaje?
- [English Assignment](https://oldnewjokes.com/english-assignment/) - RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: In-class assignment for Wednesday: Tandem Story. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to them. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Celery! Celery who? Celery me](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therecelerycelery-whocelery-me/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Celery!Celery who?Celery me you lunch will you, Im hungry!
- [Anyone who makes an absolute](https://oldnewjokes.com/anyone-who-makes-an-absolute/) - Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
- [Sex, Microsoft Style](https://oldnewjokes.com/sex-microsoft-style/) - Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that. The second woman proclaimed, My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I
- [33 Gallons](https://oldnewjokes.com/33-gallons/) - A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop
- [Whats The Difference?](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-the-difference-4/) - Whats the difference between a woman and dog at your front door? The dog will stop barking once you let it in!
- [Athletic Sperm](https://oldnewjokes.com/athletic-sperm/) - Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes. Why do you keep working out all the time,
- [Yo mama is so stupid](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-is-so-stupid-23/) - Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
- [Q:  How many screenwriters](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-screenwriters/) - Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Why does it *have* to be changed?
- [En un velorio, un amigo](https://oldnewjokes.com/en-un-velorio-un-amigo/) - En un velorio, un amigo del difunto se acerca a la viuda y le dice: Lo siento seÃ±ora, lo siento. La seÃ±ora responde: No gracias, dÃ©jelo acostadito nomÃ¡s.
- [When blondes do puzzles](https://oldnewjokes.com/when-blondes-do-puzzles-2/) - A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!! Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks What took you 28 days, why are
- [Computer Down](https://oldnewjokes.com/computer-down-1/) - Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as priests. So what else would you like
- [True Computer Story](https://oldnewjokes.com/true-computer-story/) - I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password....now you have to understand hes got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect...so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in penis...I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so
- [Question and answer blonde joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-blonde-joke-101/) - Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?A: Theyre too hard to peel.
- [Snow White Takes a Bath](https://oldnewjokes.com/snow-white-takes-a-bath-1/) - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a
- [New and unabridged](https://oldnewjokes.com/new-and-unabridged-1/) - The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Foreploy:any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Doltergeist:a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Giraffiti:vandalism spray-painted very, very
- [She says - He hears](https://oldnewjokes.com/she-says-he-hears-1/) - What a woman says: This place is a mess! Cmon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and Youll have no clothes to wear if we dont do laundry right now! What a man hears: blah blah blah blah blah CMON! YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
- [Un da, un buen hombre](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-da-un-buen-hombre-1/)
- [Golf Course Medical Emergency](https://oldnewjokes.com/golf-course-medical-emergency/) - The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. Please dear, I need help. she said. The husband ran off saying Ill go get some help. A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His
- [Cute Little Fart](https://oldnewjokes.com/cute-little-fart/) - A priest noticed that one of the nuns in the convent was getting a little chubby. Is there anything wrong? he asked her. The nun replied, Its just gas! As time went by he noticed she was getting very fat indeed. Are you sure youre ok? he asked again. Yes, she replied. Its just gas!
- [Happy Groundhog Day](https://oldnewjokes.com/happy-groundhog-day/) - What do you get when you cross a black guy with a groundhog? Six more weeks of basketball.
- [Cowboy](https://oldnewjokes.com/cowboy/) - When the old cowboy walked out of the saloonand went to unhitch his horse, he noticed that the animal s testicles were painted green. Storming back into the bar, the fellow hollered, OK, which one of you son of a bitches painted my horse s balls green? From the back of the room, a huge
- [A Math Teachers Story](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-math-teachers-story/) - Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer, and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories. He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of
- [Hell](https://oldnewjokes.com/hell/) - Mr. Cody was a well-known rector of a protestant church. One day he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he asks: Where in
- [Benefits of being Female](https://oldnewjokes.com/benefits-of-being-female/) - * We got off the Titanic first.* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.* We never ejaculate prematurely.* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect
- [Panic](https://oldnewjokes.com/panic/) - Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommys swallowed the can-opener! Doctor: Dont panic. Hell be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toasts getting cold!
- [Yo mama soo sleepy](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-soo-sleepy/) - Yo mama soo sleepy when she go to salon for a haircut but came out with shaved head and arms
- [After work drinks](https://oldnewjokes.com/after-work-drinks/) - A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am,at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, sohe takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls overbackwards
- [Kick Blonde Ass](https://oldnewjokes.com/kick-blonde-ass/) - There was a blonde in the middle of a wheat field, in a row boat, rowing. When another blonde, stops her car on the side of the road, gets out and starts yelling, You are the type of blonde that gives the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I would swim
- [Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it](https://oldnewjokes.com/absolutum-obsoletum-if-it/) - Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
- [Dead lawyer joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/dead-lawyer-joke/) - A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. Im too young to die. Im only fifty five. Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, youâ€™re eighty two. How in the world did you get that number? the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: We added up
- [A couple goes on vacation](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-couple-goes-on-vacation/) - A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Wisconsin. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
- [Elephant and Man](https://oldnewjokes.com/elephant-and-man/) - What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?
- [Giving Up Drugs](https://oldnewjokes.com/giving-up-drugs-1/) - Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils
- [Its a business](https://oldnewjokes.com/its-a-business/) - A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and finally asks him to drop his pants. Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem to be strain on the vocal chords from
- [Upgrade your cat](https://oldnewjokes.com/upgrade-your-cat/) - An Unlikely Conversation (written by Terry Herrin in a reply on Software Creations BBS) Bart Id like to upgrade my Siamese to an Abyssinian. Clerk Do you want a red or a tan Abby? Bart I dunno. Is there a difference besides the color? Clerk Well, the red one is faster, but costs quite a
- [CIA Test](https://oldnewjokes.com/cia-test/) - The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. â€œWe must know that you
- [Top Ten Tyson Jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/top-ten-tyson-jokes/) - NO. 10 Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all. NO. 9 This gives new meaning to box lunch. NO. 8 Reporter: Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear? Holyfield: What? NO. 7 Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled - John Corl, Rochester, N.Y. NO. 6 What
- [The Superman](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-superman/) - Superman is flying over a nude beach and since he can fly at super speed he can go down and have sex with all the women and they wont know what happend, so he flys down and has sex with almost everyone down there than gets back up, than he sees wonder women and is
- [No. to Change Lightbulb](https://oldnewjokes.com/no-to-change-lightbulb/) - Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: Whats a lightbulb? A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, Daaady!
- [The worst racist joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-worst-racist-joke/) - So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck. One day Bubbas wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and
- [My Way vs. Marthas Way](https://oldnewjokes.com/my-way-vs-marthas-way/) - Marthas way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Marthas way: Use a meat baster
- [Redneck in college](https://oldnewjokes.com/redneck-in-college/) - A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: Do you
- [One Sunday morning, the priest](https://oldnewjokes.com/one-sunday-morning-the-priest/) - One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time,
- [What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-is-the-difference-between-a-blonde-and-a-747/) - Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
- [Only in our Country ... (USA)](https://oldnewjokes.com/only-in-our-country-usa/) - ... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance; ... Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink; ... Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front; ... Do people order double
- [Yo mummas so fat...](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mummas-so-fat/) - ...when she goes on the scales it says One at a time please
- [A la hora del recreo,](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-la-hora-del-recreo/) - A la hora del recreo, Jaimito se acerca a Pepito; Ã©ste se le queda viendo, aparta su lonchera y le pega a su compaÃ±ero. En eso, la maestra se acerca a Pepito y le reprende: Â¡Pepito! Â¿Por quÃ© le pegaste a Jaimito? Porque Ã©l me lambiÃ³ mi galleta. La maestra le corrige: Pepito, no se
- [Why is a sperm whale called](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-is-a-sperm-whale-called/) - Why is a sperm whale called a sperm whale? Because a seaman discovered it.
- [Typist](https://oldnewjokes.com/typist-1/) - A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story. Whats it about? he asked. I dont know, she replied. I cant read.
- [A quote on marriage](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-quote-on-marriage-107/) - Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
- [When you open a new](https://oldnewjokes.com/when-you-open-a-new/) - When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- [Weird News: Minks in the Water](https://oldnewjokes.com/weird-news-minks-in-the-water/) - From the Daily Collegian: Stockholm, Sweden - In an embarrassing admission, Defense Ministry analysts say many signals detected by their navys high-tech buoys - and thought to be foreign submarines - were just the sounds of swimming minks. The report - coming after the military conceded that an animal set off a weeks-long sub hunt
- [Buddhist (Math)](https://oldnewjokes.com/buddhist-math/) - Q: Why did the mathemetician join a buddhist cult? A: Because he had a transcendental experience
- [Television Preacher](https://oldnewjokes.com/television-preacher/) - This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, My friends, I would like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV, and the other hand on the part of your body which
- [The Typical Male Decision Process!](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-typical-male-decision-process/) - A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done,
- [Offensive to doctors](https://oldnewjokes.com/offensive-to-doctors/) - Q: Whats a practical nurse? A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient. A nurse asks the doctor if she can borrow his pen. The nurse says, Doctor, you just gave me a thermometer. The doctor replied, God damn it! Some assholes got my pen! Many people are in line at the Pearly
- [Q:  How many polite,](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-polite/) - Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Both of them.
- [A night out at the Strip Joint](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-night-out-at-the-strip-joint/) - Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them
- [Mark Bookspan](https://oldnewjokes.com/mark-bookspan-3/) - Knock-knock Whos there? Mark Bookspan Quick, bolt the door!
- [Yum Yum](https://oldnewjokes.com/yum-yum/) - Q:How do you make a Swiss roll? A:you push them down the Alps.
- [The](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-12/) - The life story of a car.
- [How do you know if](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-do-you-know-if-1/)
- [In the 80s, a [local]](https://oldnewjokes.com/in-the-80s-a-[local]/) - In the 80s, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs who claimed the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy airport in Mt. Joy, Iowa. This is used mainly by the weekend warriors, and once a year its used for an air show. The authorities were notified after an estimated 10,000 people
- [Girly Temple Please](https://oldnewjokes.com/girly-temple-please/) - An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar. After being served, he notices a woman sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says Bartender, Id like to buy that old douche bag down there a drink. Somewhat offended, the bartender replies Sir, I run a
- [Type every word in a](https://oldnewjokes.com/type-every-word-in-a/) - Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professors door.Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc.
- [Short cat riddles](https://oldnewjokes.com/short-cat-riddles/) - Q: What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach? A: Sandy Claws. Q: Which is the cats all-time favorite song? A: Three Blind Mice. Q: What is another name for a cats home? A: A scratch pad. Q: How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much? A:
- [Who Gets The Egg](https://oldnewjokes.com/who-gets-the-egg/) - There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in
- [CNN Breaking News](https://oldnewjokes.com/cnn-breaking-news/) - It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of
- [FAQs -- Men -- 1](https://oldnewjokes.com/faqs-men-1/) - Why are men such jerks? Its a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and its not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. Were just
- [Whats dumber than an [ethnic]](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-dumber-than-an-[ethnic]/) - Whats dumber than an [ethnic] building a house under water? An [ethnic] trying to burn it down.
- [Railroaded](https://oldnewjokes.com/railroaded/) - A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good
- [An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan...](https://oldnewjokes.com/an-englishman-frenchman-mexican-and-texan/) - An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of
- [Surgeon Says](https://oldnewjokes.com/surgeon-says/) - Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say: Oops. Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I cant remember WHEN Ive been that drunk!
- [car tradegy](https://oldnewjokes.com/car-tradegy/) - 5 jews and a car go over a cliff why is this a problem? 3 mor could have fit in the car
- [Peter Marshalls list of favorite answers from "Hollywood Squares"](https://oldnewjokes.com/peter-marshalls-list-of-favorite-answers-from-quothollywood-squaresquot/) - According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?PAUL LYNDE: Hes out of town. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie Whats The Matter With Helen? Who plays Helen?CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-thats why they asked the question.
- [Jew, Clinton, and Russian](https://oldnewjokes.com/jew-clinton-and-russian/) - One day President Clinton was on an airplane with a Jew and a Russian. The plane started dropping. President Clinton took a bomb and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said. The Jew took a bottle of wine and threw it out the window. We have
- [Q:  How many junkies](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-junkies/) - Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
- [The right watch](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-right-watch/) - A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say Its because the watch is on your right hand.The man puts the watch on his left hand and says Oh there we go!
- [How have times changed?](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-have-times-changed/) - In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.Since then, weddings have been held there, and times havent changed at all!
- [Dead Lawyer](https://oldnewjokes.com/dead-lawyer-1/) - A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter
- [Three Wishes](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-wishes-2/) - Three Wishes This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when poof a genie
- [Air Head on a Beer](https://oldnewjokes.com/air-head-on-a-beer/) - Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar? She heard the drinks were on the house.
- [Top signs your Amish teen is in touble](https://oldnewjokes.com/top-signs-your-amish-teen-is-in-touble/) - 1. Stays in bed past 5am2. When you critize him he yells thou sucketh3. You find his stash of colored socks.4. He wears his big black hat backwards.5. He has pictures of women not wearing bonnets6. Uses slang expresions - talk to the hand cuz the beard aint listening7. Shows up to barn raising in
- [Blonde and Picture](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-and-picture/) - Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? A: So she could use it as a mirror.
- [You Might Be A Redneck If...Reunion](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-redneck-ifreunion/) - You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women!
- [How to handle stress](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-to-handle-stress/) - Jam 29 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. Use your mastercard to pay your visacard. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. When someone says, Have a nice day, tell them you have other plans. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. Forget weighless and
- [Q:  How many post-doctoral](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-post-doctoral/) - Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?A: One, but itll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
- [Viagra Quickies 3](https://oldnewjokes.com/viagra-quickies-3/) - Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: Ive been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! Its the worst suppository Ive ever used. Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north. Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Pharaoh! Pharaoh who? Pharaoh enough!](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therepharaohpharaoh-whopharaoh-enough/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Pharaoh!Pharaoh who?Pharaoh enough!
- [Thisll Keep you occupied](https://oldnewjokes.com/thisll-keep-you-occupied/) - This is a real joke (Its in Morse code) - .... . ..-. .. --. .-.. . .- ..-. .- --. ..- -.-- --. --- . ... - --- .- -.-. --- ... - ..- -- . ... .... --- .--. .- -. -.. ... .- -.-- ... .----. .. .----. -- --. --- ..
- [Question and answer blonde joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-blonde-joke-28/) - Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?A: A mental block.
- [What do you get when you squeeze a sick ghost?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-do-you-get-when-you-squeeze-a-sick-ghost/) - - A hand full of sheet
- [The teacher](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-teacher/) - A teacher had a class,and she tlod her students if they answer a qustion then they would get a treat.So the teacher calls jimmy to the fort of the classroom. She asked the qustion,and jimmy answers the qustion right. So the teacher tlod jimmy to close his eyes and open his mouth.Jimmy did as he
- [Three Doors](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-doors-1/) - An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route,
- [Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-are-cowgirls-always-bowlegged/) - Q: Why are cowgirls always bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
- [Rednecks](https://oldnewjokes.com/rednecks/) - (Heard late one night on KSHE 95, the Rock of St. Louis.) One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle
- [The very different children](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-very-different-children/) - Two ten-year-old children were exactly opposites: Bill was a die-hard optimist, and Bob a hopeless pessimist.The mom asked the psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob and get Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up some manure for Bill to
- [Painfull Averies](https://oldnewjokes.com/painfull-averies/) - Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.Dont you mean ovaries ? the doc says.No she says.We had better have a look says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says Youre right, It looks like theres been a cockatoo up there
- [Estaba un viejito en la](https://oldnewjokes.com/estaba-un-viejito-en-la/) - Estaba un viejito en la alcoba cuando se le para el pito y le grita a su mujer, Vieja, vieeeejjjjaaa, apÃºrate que se me parÃ³. En eso sube corriendo la pobre mujer y cuando llega ya se le bajÃ³ al viejito. Otro dÃ­a el viejito estaba en el baÃ±o y pasa lo mismo como 4
- [A Marine colonel on his way](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-marine-colonel-on-his-way/) - A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks,
- [Bib Overalls](https://oldnewjokes.com/bib-overalls/) - My friend, Bill, grew up on a farm in Tennessee and attended a one room country school. He said that, like all the other boys, he wore bib overalls to school. Now Bibs are a great invention says Bill. When your hands are cold, you can put them between the bib and your shirt and
- [Redneck Track & Field](https://oldnewjokes.com/redneck-track-field/) - You might be a redneck if you think &#147;wind sprints&#148; means running from a fart.
- [What time does the bar open?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-time-does-the-bar-open/) - At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. It opens at noon answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. What time does the bar open? he asks. Same time as
- [Pre-nuptial agreements](https://oldnewjokes.com/pre-nuptial-agreements/) - A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never
- [Kitty litter box (off. to animal lovers)](https://oldnewjokes.com/kitty-litter-box-off-to-animal-lovers/) - When I was a kid I adopted a stray cat. I couldnt afford Kitty Litter so I filled a cardboard box with dirt and kept it on the screened porch at the back of the house. We had mostly dirt in our back yard and the whole world is made out of dirt but that
- [A man and his troubles.](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-man-and-his-troubles/) - A man goes to the doctor complaining of a stutter.Ittt tt juuu st wonntt go aw ayyy! he said.The doctor examined him and found the problem.Your penis is too long, he said and he was right. It was over 13 inches long.I can cut some off and your stutter will go away.The man agreed and
- [Q: How many Germans does](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-germans-does-2/) - Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
- [Jesus is watching](https://oldnewjokes.com/jesus-is-watching-2/) - A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, Jesus is watching you. He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.When he
- [Viajaban tres monjas en un](https://oldnewjokes.com/viajaban-tres-monjas-en-un/) - Viajaban tres monjas en un aviÃ³n y una dice: En mi pueblo tenemos unas naranjas asÃ­ de grandes. Y acompaÃ±a sus palabras con un gesto de las manos. La otra dice: Pues en mi pueblo tenemos unos plÃ¡tanos asÃ­ de largos. Y hace el gesto con las manos. La otra monjita, que era sorda, dice:
- [Cierto da se encontraba un](https://oldnewjokes.com/cierto-da-se-encontraba-un/) - Cierto dÃ­a se encontraba un burro a las orillas de un pantano. De repente, sin darse cuenta tropieza y cae al pantano, desesperado empieza a gritar... !AYUDENME, ME AHOGO! En ese momento pasaba por ahÃ­ una hormiga que oye los gritos del burro y corre para ayudarlo. Casualmente vio un Mercedes con una cuerda adentro,
- [Two awols were talking...](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-awols-were-talking/) - Two awols were talking: a)Boo! b)Boo, fuck you, you scared me!
- [The easiest way to refold](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-easiest-way-to-refold/) - The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.
- [The scottish student](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-scottish-student/) - (Forwarded by an English buddy who lives in Scotland) Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
- [Blonde Jokes joke #11094](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-jokes-joke-11094/) - Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. An airbag. Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she cant find her pencil. Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? A.
- [50th Anniversary (mildly sexual)](https://oldnewjokes.com/50th-anniversary-mildly-sexual/) - An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude. The wife says Oh Harold this is just like fifty
- [The stranded lawyers!](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-stranded-lawyers/) - Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the
- [Q:  How many bassists](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-bassists-1/) - Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
- [Red Necks Driving in a Circle](https://oldnewjokes.com/red-necks-driving-in-a-circle/) - Q: What do you call a bunch of rednecks chasing a kid around in a circle? A: NASCAR
- [Q&A](https://oldnewjokes.com/qa-2/) - Q: Whats the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute? A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
- [Female hormones in beer](https://oldnewjokes.com/female-hormones-in-beer-2/) - Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldnt drive.
- [Nebraska, Gateway to Arkansas.](https://oldnewjokes.com/nebraska-gateway-to-arkansas/) - Nebraska, Gateway to Arkansas.
- [The locked up car keys..](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-locked-up-car-keys/) - A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that shes low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While shes pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can
- [Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-do-men-like-frozen-microwave-dinners-so-much/) - Q. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? A. They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
- [Lucky dog](https://oldnewjokes.com/lucky-dog/) - What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
- [Im glad Im a man](https://oldnewjokes.com/im-glad-im-a-man/) - IM GLAD IM A MAN Im glad Im a man, you better believe. I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I dont get wasted after only
- [Marketing](https://oldnewjokes.com/marketing/) - The buzz word in todays business world is Marketing. However, people Often ask for simple explanation of Marketing. Well, here it is:Youre a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, Im fantastic in bed.Thats Direct Marketing.Youre at a party with a bunch of friends and
- [Big chess tournament](https://oldnewjokes.com/big-chess-tournament/) - The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first days competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk
- [Q:  How many psychiatrists](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-psychiatrists/) - Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: How many do *you* think it takes?
- [One Smart Redneck!](https://oldnewjokes.com/one-smart-redneck/) - Hello, is this the FBI? Yes. What do you want?Im calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.Thank you very much for the call, sir.The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bobs house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they
- [Una pareja se encuentra a](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-pareja-se-encuentra-a/) - Una pareja se encuentra a varios kilÃ³metros de la ciudad. EstÃ¡n dentro de un coche y empiezan a tocarse. Cuando las cosas estÃ¡n al rojo vivo, la mujer le advierte: Mira, guapo, resulta que soy prostituta y el polvo te va a costar 10 mil pesetas. El tÃ­o, que ya no puede aguantar el calentÃ³n,
- [Telephone accident](https://oldnewjokes.com/telephone-accident/) - The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.Exactly where were you at the time of the accident? inquired the officer.Mister, exclaimed the telephone lineman, I
- [Gary Condit-Cadabra](https://oldnewjokes.com/gary-condit-cadabra/) - What do Gary Condit and a magician have in common?They both make their assistants disappear!
- [Need the Eggs](https://oldnewjokes.com/need-the-eggs/) - Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks hes a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
- [Airport Humor (off. to anyone owning an airport snack bar)</font>   <font size=1>Taken again from MATT GROENINGS BIG BOOK OF HELL... (have fun BKP :)](https://oldnewjokes.com/airport-humor-off-to-anyone-owning-an-airport-snack-bar<font-size1>taken-again-from-matt-groenings-big-book-of-hell-have-fun-bkp/) - FLIGHT DELAYED? HOURS TO KILL? WHY NOT SPEND A PORTION OF YOUR LIFE AT... A K K BBBB A RRRR JJJJJ EEEE FFFF FFFF SSSS A A K K B B A A R R J E F F S AAAAA KKK BBBB AAAAA RRRR AND J EEEE FFFF FFFF SSSS A A K K
- [Dyslexic Pimp](https://oldnewjokes.com/dyslexic-pimp/) - Heard about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse!
- [The Ride](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-ride/) - Sally was a girl with no horsebackriding experience, yet one day she discided to take her chances. As she climbed on the big Palimino, it took off at a gallop. Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but she couldnt seem to get a grip. So in a great rush she threw
- [Q:  How many doctors](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-doctors-4/) - Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
- [Q:  How many psychiatrists](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-psychiatrists-1/) - Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?
- [Lesbian Golf](https://oldnewjokes.com/lesbian-golf/) - Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the
- [Indiana and Blonde Difference](https://oldnewjokes.com/indiana-and-blonde-difference-1/) - Q: Whats the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
- [Potatoes (pun)](https://oldnewjokes.com/potatoes-pun/) - You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one - a real SWEET POTATO whom they called YAM. They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about
- [Libraries Are Sexy](https://oldnewjokes.com/libraries-are-sexy-1/) - You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!
- [Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-whats-the-difference-between-a-blonde-and-a-shopping-cart/) - A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
- [Bad News](https://oldnewjokes.com/bad-news-1/) - This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer? Joe says, Well hell, whats the matter? The Man says, Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out hes gay. Joe says,
- [Presidential timepieces](https://oldnewjokes.com/presidential-timepieces/) - A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called the George Bush Watch and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says, It doesnt need hands. Youre supposed to read his lips. He then looks at a watch called the Ross
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Thomas! Thomas who? Thomas happy](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therethomasthomas-whothomas-happy/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Thomas!Thomas who?Thomas happy fella!
- [Un gerente de una compaa](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-gerente-de-una-compaa/) - Un gerente de una compaÃ±Ã­a petrolera tenÃ­a una reunion con los altos ejecutivos de la empresa. La esposa del gerente le pide que la lleve a la reuniÃ³n para aprender algo. El esposo se niega y le dice: Noooo, Â¿estÃ¡s loca? Esa es una reuniÃ³n muy importante y tu no me representas, eres ordinaria, mal
- [Manolo le comenta a un](https://oldnewjokes.com/manolo-le-comenta-a-un/) - Manolo le comenta a un amigo: voy a tener que vender mi auto porque ya tiene mucho kilometraje. Para que lo venda mejor, el amigo le sugiere llevarlo con alguien que le altere el cuentakilÃ³metros. Pasan dos meses y se vuelven a encontrar. Â¿Lo vendiste, Manolo?, le pregunta el amigo. No; Â¿para quÃ©, si ahora
- [Too much of the 90s!](https://oldnewjokes.com/too-much-of-the-90s-1/) - Signs youve had too much of the 90s! You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as getting wasted. You havent played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Greta! Greta who! Greta job!](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-theregretagreta-whogreta-job/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Greta!Greta who!Greta job!
- [Again](https://oldnewjokes.com/again/) - Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, youve got it again.
- [Growing Manhood](https://oldnewjokes.com/growing-manhood/) - When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained
- [Celebrity License Plates](https://oldnewjokes.com/celebrity-license-plates/) - 1HIT1DER - Ricky Martin NU CLEVGE - Britney Spears 20K LAID - Wilt Chamberlain JAILBTCH - Robert Downey, Jr. HAD MILK - Pamela Anderson Lee OUTOFST8 - Hillary Rodham Clinton C MY BRA - Brandi Chastain IM STR8 - Tom Cruise K8ODIDIT - O.J. Simpson PEN IS - John Bobbitt VOAT4ME - Dan Quayle
- [Playing with telemarketers](https://oldnewjokes.com/playing-with-telemarketers/) - I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang. ME: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T. ME: Is this AT&T. AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ... ME: This is AT&T. AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ... ME: Is this AT&T.? AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I
- [Santas Little Pills (could offend some)](https://oldnewjokes.com/santas-little-pills-could-offend-some/) - A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how its working. So she takes
- [Q:  How many freelance](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-freelance/) - Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
- [Mexican Judo](https://oldnewjokes.com/mexican-judo/) - There are two Mexicans talking. One is a new resident of the town. The first Mexican says to the other, Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back.The other Mexican replies, I dont need to worry, because I know Mexican Judo.The first Mexican asks, Whats
- [How do you define a](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-do-you-define-a/) - How do you define a Jewish delemma? Free ham.
- [Fun With Cops](https://oldnewjokes.com/fun-with-cops/) - (Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.)*Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head *Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to &#147;spice up&#148; your takeout * *Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself. *When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say &#147;I thought you had
- [Business Quotes from really stuped people - the managers](https://oldnewjokes.com/business-quotes-from-really-stuped-people-the-managers/) - As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks;(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we
- [Bad News 2](https://oldnewjokes.com/bad-news-2/) - Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had
- [Medical Charts](https://oldnewjokes.com/medical-charts/) - * Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
- [1. Golden Retriever:  The](https://oldnewjokes.com/1-golden-retriever-the/) - 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?2. Border Collie: Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I cant reach that stupid lamp! 4.
- [President Bush Plays God](https://oldnewjokes.com/president-bush-plays-god/) - A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed
- [Fart, farts everywhere!](https://oldnewjokes.com/fart-farts-everywhere/) - An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - Doctor, I dont know what the problem is, but Ive been farting all the time. Its not really a problem socially because they dont make any noise and dont smell. I just cant stop farting all the time. In fact while Ive been in
- [Clinton and Satan](https://oldnewjokes.com/clinton-and-satan-1/) - Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets
- [Dos compadres estaban pescando muy](https://oldnewjokes.com/dos-compadres-estaban-pescando-muy/) - Dos compadres estaban pescando muy tranquilamente en el rÃ­o; en eso, pasa una carroza fÃºnebre y uno de los amigos se quita su gorra y hace una cruz en su pecho. Eso fue conmovedor, compadre, no sabÃ­a que una parte de usted era asÃ­. Bueno, compadre, quÃ© esperaba, estuve 40 aÃ±os casado con ella.
- [Fishing Boat](https://oldnewjokes.com/fishing-boat/) - A blind man is seeking employment at a lumber yard as a salesmen. The manager who is interviewing the man tells him that he is more than qualified for the position other than the fact that in order to sell the lumber he would have to see it to know the size and kind of
- [The chance of a piece](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-chance-of-a-piece/) - The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
- [What is big and white and sits in the corner??](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-is-big-and-white-and-sits-in-the-corner/) - - A fridge
- [If you die on an](https://oldnewjokes.com/if-you-die-on-an/) - If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.
- [Energizer Bunny arrested!](https://oldnewjokes.com/energizer-bunny-arrested-1/) - Did you hear? The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.
- [The Perfect Woman would say...](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-perfect-woman-would-say/) - The Perfect Woman would say: 1. Ill swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 2. Are you sure youve had enough to drink? 3. Im bored. Lets shave my pussy! 4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and
- [Fairy tales](https://oldnewjokes.com/fairy-tales/) - Mummy, mummy, why do fairy tales always start with Once upon a time? They dont always, little one ... Your dad begins his with: ... I got caught up in the office. You wont beleive what happened ...!
- [Are you normal?](https://oldnewjokes.com/are-you-normal/) - - Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. - 21% of us dont make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. - Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. - 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. - 3 out
- [Manolo y Venancio entran al](https://oldnewjokes.com/manolo-y-venancio-entran-al/) - Manolo y Venancio entran al cine a ver Apolo 13. En el momento crucial, el actor principal dice: Houston, tenemos un problema... Y Venancio le murmura a Manolo: Â¡CÃ³mo no van a tener un problema si viene piloteando Forrest Gump!
- [Computer Affairs](https://oldnewjokes.com/computer-affairs/) - Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer: 1. Lately she sits at the computer naked. 2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette. 3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. 4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up. 5. Shes gotten amazingly good at typing one handed. 6. She
- [Ways to confuse a roommate](https://oldnewjokes.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate-30/) - These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you dont know what hes talking about.
- [Why does an [ethnicss] left](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-does-an-[ethnicss]-left/) - Why does an [ethnicss] left arm pit smell so damm bad? They cant find Left Guard at the store.
- [A Letter To Mom And Dad](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-letter-to-mom-and-dad/) - Dear Mom and Dad, Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the Mountain looking for Chad
- [Psychiatrist joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/psychiatrist-joke/) - A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees. A man and a woman making love in a park, the man replies. The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the
- [Little Girls Questions](https://oldnewjokes.com/little-girls-questions/) - A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother How old are you? Mommy says Honey, women dont talk about their age, youll learn later on in life. The girl then asks, Mommy, how much do you weigh? Mommy says, Thats another thing women dont talk about, youll find out when
- [Whos Egg Is This?](https://oldnewjokes.com/whos-egg-is-this/) - There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in
- [The Official List of Pussy](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-official-list-of-pussy/) - Expensive Pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category. Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great. Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the
- [Possible titles for Lewinskys new book](https://oldnewjokes.com/possible-titles-for-lewinskys-new-book/) - Possible titles for Monica Lewinskys new book 1. I Suck At My Job 2. What Really Goes Down In The White House 3. How I Blew It In Washington 4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President 5. Clear and Present Boner 6. Testing the Limits of the Gag
- [A Panda Walks into a bar](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-panda-walks-into-a-bar-2/) - A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak, a potato, and a Coke please.So the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid
- [Bill Gates at the pearly gates!](https://oldnewjokes.com/bill-gates-at-the-pearly-gates-2/) - Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God... Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
- [People](https://oldnewjokes.com/people/) - Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea whats happened.
- [The](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-10/) - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
- [Whatever its called](https://oldnewjokes.com/whatever-its-called/) - knock knock whos there? I DID IT! (Everyone yells GREAT FOR YOU!) (guys best friend says:) WHOA WHOA WHOA! I WANNA HEAR THE REST! I DID IT WHO? UMMMMMMM...
- [Cork it!](https://oldnewjokes.com/cork-it/) - There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse. They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt? The
- [Texas Salesman](https://oldnewjokes.com/texas-salesman/) - A keen Texas lad applied for a salesmans job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview. Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered. The boss took an
- [Talking Animals](https://oldnewjokes.com/talking-animals/) - A ventriloquist was driving through farm country one day when his car breaks down. He walks up to a nearby farm and asks the farmer if he can call a tow truck. The farmer said sure and the call was made. While waiting for the truck to arrive the ventriloquist asks the farmer for a
- [How To Get Rid Of Roaches](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-to-get-rid-of-roaches/) - How does the single woman get rid of roaches? She asks them for a commitment.
- [Poachers Revenge](https://oldnewjokes.com/poachers-revenge/) - The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . . After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
- [You cannot kill time without](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-cannot-kill-time-without/) - You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
- [Dont look back, they might](https://oldnewjokes.com/dont-look-back-they-might/) - Dont look back, they might be gaining on you.
- [Shin: a device for finding](https://oldnewjokes.com/shin-a-device-for-finding/) - Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- [A Texan, while visiting Toronto,](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-texan-while-visiting-toronto/) - A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver Whats that building there? Thats the Royal York Hotel replied the cabbie. The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?
- [A Heartwarming One For Christmas](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-heartwarming-one-for-christmas-1/) - /* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */ When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were
- [Live Longer](https://oldnewjokes.com/live-longer/) - Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
- [Stupid master](https://oldnewjokes.com/stupid-master/) - A gorilla was walking thru a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, Whos the king of the jungle?, and the deer replied, Oh, you are, Master. The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared,Whos the
- [A Fortune](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-fortune/) - The following would fit very nicely into the fortune program: Well, Brahma said, even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred. -The Mahabharata. Craig Werner (MD/PhD 91)
- [Be careful what you leave on the bus.](https://oldnewjokes.com/be-careful-what-you-leave-on-the-bus/) - From The Guardian newspaper, diary section, 11th October. (Diarist Andrew Moncur) Please suspend incredulity at this point. I am merely seeking further particulars about an absent-minded biologist named Ralph. He is alleged to have been doing some research on sperm whales. This involved borrowing a whales 9 foot long penis (preserved) from the Natural History
- [Not Going To Try This Again](https://oldnewjokes.com/not-going-to-try-this-again/) - A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane,
- [Un hombre llega a su](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-hombre-llega-a-su-1/) - Un hombre llega a su casa borracho a las 6 de la maÃ±ana. Le dice su esposa: Â¿Pero quÃ© horas son Ã©stas de llegar? Â¿QuÃ© hace este hombre contigo en mi cama? Â¡No me cambies la conversaciÃ³n, no me cambies la conversaciÃ³n!
- [100 Camels](https://oldnewjokes.com/100-camels-1/) - As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. America, the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the
- [Whats black and crisp and](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-black-and-crisp-and/) - WhatÃ•s black and crisp and hangs from the ceiling? An [ethnic] electrician.
- [Microsoft Corp. dismissed an anti-virus](https://oldnewjokes.com/microsoft-corp-dismissed-an-anti-virus/) - Microsoft Corp. dismissed an anti-virus companys claim that versions of Internet Explorer 3.0 and above possess another hole in security by calling the feature in question a design thing, not a bug.
- [Newsgroups that flopped](https://oldnewjokes.com/newsgroups-that-flopped/) - alt.sex.lesbian.steel_workers alt.aviation.kamikazi.pilots alt.sex.gay.policemen alt.sex.straight_actors_guild alt.aviation.hang_gliders.quadraplegic comp.os.win95.happy_users alt.military.deutchland.ss.former.hit-squad.members alt.religion.jewish.oversexed.girls alt.justice.free.charles.manson alt.medical.proctologist.talk
- [Lawyers & Politicians joke #11026](https://oldnewjokes.com/lawyers-politicians-joke-11026/) - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why dont we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, its worked for over 200 years, and were not using it anymore.
- [Some taglines about Windows](https://oldnewjokes.com/some-taglines-about-windows/) - ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS - I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of theMicrosoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense: I dont hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2! Chicago, Windows 4.0, Windows 95?!?!?!? Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship
- [Good places to party on Halloween](https://oldnewjokes.com/good-places-to-party-on-halloween/) - Looking for a good place to party on Halloween? Check out these houses! Bloomington, Indiana Name: Indiana University Location: unknown This building, now used for administrative purposes, was once a stop on the Underground Railroad. Today, there are many reports of African spiritual songs emanating from the basement. Elletsville, Indiana Name: Stepp Cemetery Location: Morgan-Monroe
- [Why I am not a terrorist?](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-i-am-not-a-terrorist/) - I sometimes feel so bad about things that I wonder if I am sane. I see so many people acting so stupidly in the world, that what they do makes no sense. Maybe Im the only sane person and everyone else is crazy! It seems like the world has gotten both stupider and nastier over
- [Es de noche en la](https://oldnewjokes.com/es-de-noche-en-la/) - Es de noche en la panaderÃ­a, y todos los panes estÃ¡n durmiendo: la chilindrina, el bigote, el bolillo, la concha, etc., cuando de repente se despierta la concha y grita: Â¡Soy una concha! Â¡Soy una concha! Todos los panes se despiertan, pero el mÃ¡s enojado era el bolillo el cual amenaza: Â¡Concha, si no te
- [Windows 2000 Errors](https://oldnewjokes.com/windows-2000-errors-1/) - The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press
- [Father Wouldnt Like It](https://oldnewjokes.com/father-wouldnt-like-it/) - A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. You look hot, my son, said the cleric. Why dont you rest a moment, and Ill give you a hand. No thanks, said the young man. My father wouldnt like it.
- [A](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-12/) - A degenerate disease.
- [How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-many-republicans-does-it-take-to-screw-in-a-lightbulb/) - Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Four hundred and sixty-two: twelve to investigate Clintons involvement in the failure of the old bulb, twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry, sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D, thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs, fifty-three to
- [Odd job](https://oldnewjokes.com/odd-job/) - A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute. For $200, Ill perform any act for you, she tells him, provided that you can describe the act in 3 words. The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. OK, tell me what
- [Elephant and banana (Math)](https://oldnewjokes.com/elephant-and-banana-math/) - Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana? A: Elephant banana sin theta in the mutually perpendicular direction.
- [The Hospital Bill](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-hospital-bill/) - An elderly Jewish man was admitted to the local hospital, which happened to be run by a Catholic order. All the nurses were nuns. One of the nurses was preparing his records and she asked him who would be responsible for his bill. I dont have any money, the old man told her. Do you
- [Rabbi Wizard](https://oldnewjokes.com/rabbi-wizard/) - The Rabbi rose with a red face...Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
- [National Books About the Elelphant](https://oldnewjokes.com/national-books-about-the-elelphant/) - Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant: The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant. The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari. The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant
- [Q:  How many philosophers](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-philosophers/) - Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem, such as Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you
- [Van a fusilar a Clinton,](https://oldnewjokes.com/van-a-fusilar-a-clinton/) - Van a fusilar a Clinton, a Fidel y al Presidente de Tontilandia por ciertos fraudes y lo peor es que los van a fusilar en la mismÃ­sima Tontilandia. Empiezan por Clinton, y cuando ya estÃ¡ todo a punto, se pone a gritar: Â¡Terremoto, un terremoto! Â¡Corran por su vida! Total, que todos los del peloton
- [Migraine](https://oldnewjokes.com/migraine/) - A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. Listen, says the doc, I have migraines, too and the advice Im going
- [Drunk Driver](https://oldnewjokes.com/drunk-driver/) - A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. So, says the cop to the driver, where have you been? Ive been to the pub, slurs the drunk. Well, says the cop, it looks like youve had quite a few. I
- [The least experienced fisherman always](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-least-experienced-fisherman-always/) - The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
- [Driving Test Answers](https://oldnewjokes.com/driving-test-answers/) - The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He cant see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
- [Lottery ticket](https://oldnewjokes.com/lottery-ticket/) - Sid goes to temple and gets down on his knees and prays, Dear God, I work hard but my business isnt doing well, my wife is acting strange and my daughter, ah, you dont want to know. Would it be so terrible, maybe I could win the lottery? The next week hes back. God, my
- [An Old Mans Dying Request](https://oldnewjokes.com/an-old-mans-dying-request/) - An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didnt have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate. 1.His Doctor 2.His Priest 3.His Lawyer Well, today I found out I dont have long to live. So I have
- [Closed Bulls Eyes](https://oldnewjokes.com/closed-bulls-eyes-1/) - What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
- [Menstruating men](https://oldnewjokes.com/menstruating-men/) - What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event ... Men would brag about how long and how much. Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties. Congress would
- [Descubre cul es el tuyo:](https://oldnewjokes.com/descubre-cul-es-el-tuyo/) - Descubre cuÃ¡l es el tuyo: Salario cebolla: lo agarras, lo ves y lloras. Salario canalla: no te ayuda en nada; sÃ³lo te hace sufrir, pero no puedes vivir sin Ã©l. Salario futbol: es una cajita de sorpresas. Salario preservativo: hasta te quita las ganas. Salario impotente: cuando mÃ¡s lo necesitas, te decepciona. Salario dieta: con
- [Adding insult](https://oldnewjokes.com/adding-insult/) - Q: How does one insult a mathematician? A: You say: Your brain is smaller than any ε>0!
- [Lets take a trip to Disney](https://oldnewjokes.com/lets-take-a-trip-to-disney/) - Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying Disney World left. After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said Oh well! and started driving back home.
- [Not so wise](https://oldnewjokes.com/not-so-wise/) - In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She
- [Windows Girl](https://oldnewjokes.com/windows-girl/) - Mel. Barbie Girl Hi user, wanna go for a try? Sure win! Boot up! Im a Windows girl In my Windows world Life in coding Its annoying You can tune my files Explore me everywhere Imagination Illegal operation Come on System, lets go crashing Im a Windows girl In my Windows world Life in coding
- [Mens responsibilities, from a womans POV](https://oldnewjokes.com/mens-responsibilities-from-a-womans-pov/) - I received this from a friend of mine...she being a little perturbed about men at the moment. Being a sensitive guy myself, I can laugh at the following. So, please note ... I am a MAN, posting this. I found it quite funny. And, incidentally, I stopped and asked for directions last night ... wow
- [A bad bet!](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-bad-bet/) - The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said.
- [The young son of a financial advisor](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-young-son-of-a-financial-advisor/) - The young son of a financial advisor was asked by his kindergarten teacher if he knew the names of the seasons. Sure! he earnestly replied. Busy and slack.
- [The Pharoah (pun)](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-pharoah-pun/) - Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwealming evidence of Gods intensions, Pharoah refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague,
- [Clinton Fan](https://oldnewjokes.com/clinton-fan/) - Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, little Johnny. The teacher asks little Johnny why he has decided
- [Peace Keeping Mission](https://oldnewjokes.com/peace-keeping-mission-1/) - A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet
- [Un granjero demand a una](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-granjero-demand-a-una/) - Un granjero demandÃ³ a una empresa de buses por las lesiones que sufriÃ³ en un accidente. En el juicio, el abogado de la empresa le pregunta: Â¿Acaso no le dijo usted estoy muy bien al policÃ­a que lo auxiliÃ³? DÃ©jeme explicarle lo que pasÃ³. Yo llevaba a mi yegua en el platÃ³n de la camioneta...
- [Philia](https://oldnewjokes.com/philia/) - I thought I would share a transcript of a particularly productive moment in my 9th grade English (sic) class: We watched the end of Zeferellis Romeo & Juliet today in class. During the scene in which Romeo discovers Juliet, who appears to be dead, lying in the Capulet family crypt, the following discussion occurred: Julio
- [Ways to confuse a roommate](https://oldnewjokes.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate-160/) - These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
- [Not Quite Ready for Society](https://oldnewjokes.com/not-quite-ready-for-society-1/) - A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as
- [Wife Control](https://oldnewjokes.com/wife-control/) - There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over
- [You might be a redneck if...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-redneck-if-209/) - You might be a redneck if... Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
- [What do you throw a drowning guitarist?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-do-you-throw-a-drowning-guitarist/) - Their amp.
- [Proprietary hardware](https://oldnewjokes.com/proprietary-hardware/) - In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didnt matter. The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was
- [This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car](https://oldnewjokes.com/this-guy-and-girl-are-making-out-in-the-back-seat-of-the-car/) - This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. Put your finger inside me, she asks, and hes only too happy to oblige. Put another finger inside me, she orders, moaning in pleasure. Put your whole hand inside me. Put both hands
- [Q:  How many Mensans](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-mensans-1/) - Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently
- [Un enanito ve en el](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-enanito-ve-en-el/) - Un enanito ve en el periÃ³dico un anuncio que decÃ­a: Todos los niÃ±os entran gratis al cielo, nomÃ¡s tienes que cantar la canciÃ³n de naranja dulce, limÃ³n partido Este enanito sabÃ­a que se iba a morir y pronto se va a rasurar y se muere, y ya en cielo de las puertas del cielo sale
- [A caller named Eileen from](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-caller-named-eileen-from/) - A caller named Eileen from Dearborn Heights was stopped at a red light on West Road in Trenton when she saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of her: Honk if you love Jesus She does, so she did. The driver got out with what looked like a sawed-off baseball bat, and smashed
- [Id give my right arm](https://oldnewjokes.com/id-give-my-right-arm-1/)
- [Basic conflict between men and women...](https://oldnewjokes.com/basic-conflict-between-men-and-women/) - Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what theyre doing they can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Were very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right
- [What did the users of YouThink.com have to complain about after the joke forum was permanently shut](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-did-the-users-of-youthinkcom-have-to-complain-about-after-the-joke-forum-was-permanently-shut/) - Nothing.
- [Lawyer Jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/lawyer-jokes-5/) - After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. Show him right in! our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks
- [What kind of fish does a cat hate?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-kind-of-fish-does-a-cat-hate/) - Dogfish
- [Prison vs. Work](https://oldnewjokes.com/prison-vs-work/) - In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
- [Viagra side effects](https://oldnewjokes.com/viagra-side-effects/) - A woman asks her husband if hed like some breakfast. Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee? He declines. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite. At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Jussi! Jussi who! Jussi fruit!](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therejussijussi-whojussi-fruit/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Jussi!Jussi who!Jussi fruit!
- [Barbars Advice](https://oldnewjokes.com/barbars-advice/) - During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing hed come across was, er, female juices.But youre balder than I am, protested the customer.True, admitted the barber,
- [Proud Of Daddy](https://oldnewjokes.com/proud-of-daddy-1/) - Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50. The second boy says, Thats nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
- [Top 10 Unusual Comments on Monica](https://oldnewjokes.com/top-10-unusual-comments-on-monica/) - 10. Truly an eager beaver 9. Uses too much teeth. 8. Stays late, comes early 7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period. 6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load 5. Frequently complains of jaw pain. 4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner. 3. In Box is always
- [Horoscopes by Adam Sandler](https://oldnewjokes.com/horoscopes-by-adam-sandler-1/) - Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most
- [Question and answer blonde joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-blonde-joke-133/) - Q: Did you hear about Pepsis new soda just for blondes?A: It has open other end printed on the bottom.
- [Final Exam](https://oldnewjokes.com/final-exam/) - It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any
- [New anti-aging drug...](https://oldnewjokes.com/new-anti-aging-drug/) - Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andys wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the miracle products, she asks
- [The Six-pack!](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-six-pack/) - Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, Someone should go and tell his wife. Bill says, OK, Im pretty good at that sensitive stuff, Ill do it. 2 hours later, he comes
- [Blonde AND Polish!](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-and-polish/) - A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home. The sailor tells her his profession
- [Un tipo se sube al](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-tipo-se-sube-al/) - Un tipo se sube al tren nocturno que va a la ciudad de ChillÃ¡n, en Chile. Antes de iniciar el viaje se dirige al conductor y le solicita que lo despierte en dicha estaciÃ³n, advirtiÃ©ndole, eso sÃ­, que despuÃ©s de dormir se ponÃ­a bastante porfiado y seguramente se iba a oponer a que lo bajaran,
- [En la Ciudad de Mxico](https://oldnewjokes.com/en-la-ciudad-de-mxico/) - En la Ciudad de MÃ©xico un tipo es llevado a la DelegaciÃ³n por haber derribado un Ã¡rbol mientras manejaba bien borracho. Quince dÃ­as de cÃ¡rcel y 10,000 pesos de multa, dice el juez. Pero seÃ±or juez, dice el borracho, ni que hubiera yo tumbado el Ã¡rbol de la noche triste donde llorÃ³ ColÃ³n, cuando lo
- [Alabama License Application](https://oldnewjokes.com/alabama-license-application-1/) - Last name: _________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) [_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ______ (if unsure, guess) Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_]
- [Q: Why do elephants have trunks?](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-why-do-elephants-have-trunks/) - A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
- [Push, Pull or Get Outta](https://oldnewjokes.com/push-pull-or-get-outta/) - Push, Pull or Get Outta the Way.
- [Interesting Facts](https://oldnewjokes.com/interesting-facts/) - *The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. * The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under
- [What your hairdresser really means](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-your-hairdresser-really-means-2/) - (Hairdresser) - I havent seen you for ages. (They mean) - Youve been going to another hairdresser. (Hairdresser) - Its got long hasnt it? (They mean) - Im on fairly safe grounds here. (Hairdresser) - What kind of shampoo are you using? (They mean) - There must be some explanation for the state of your
- [The Snake](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-snake-1/) - There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until theyre dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?. Then the second Snake says Why do you
- [Baseball Heaven?](https://oldnewjokes.com/baseball-heaven/) - Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, Do you think theres baseball in heaven? Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno. But lets make a deal: if I die
- [Why Christmas trees are better than women](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-christmas-trees-are-better-than-women/) - A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. Christmas trees dont get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have an artificial one in the closet. A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you break one of its balls. You
- [Circular room](https://oldnewjokes.com/circular-room/) - How do you confuse a blonde ?Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in a corner.
- [Bar Tab in Alaska](https://oldnewjokes.com/bar-tab-in-alaska/) - Its forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, You owe me quite a bit on your tab.Sorry, says Pat, Im flat broke this week.Thats okay, says the bartender.Ill just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on
- [Un tio quiere llevar a](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-tio-quiere-llevar-a/) - Un tio quiere llevar a su mujer a la opera para celebrar las bodas de plata. Como la mujer es muy palurda y un poco guarra, empieza a echarse spray de desodorante en los sobacos, y despues por los brazos, y despuÃ©s en la cara y despuÃ©s en el torso, y despuÃ©s en la espalda...
- [Un nuevo rico haba enviado](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-nuevo-rico-haba-enviado/) - Un nuevo rico habÃ­a enviado a su hijo pequeÃ±o a Viena para que le enseÃ±aran a tocar el violÃ­n. Cuando el hijo regresa, a los dos aÃ±os, le pide a un amigo melÃ³mano que lo escuche y dÃ© su opiniÃ³n. AsÃ­ lo hacen y despuÃ©s de que el niÃ±o ha tocado el violÃ­n, el padre
- [Old Women](https://oldnewjokes.com/old-women/) - Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women dont? A: A bellybutton!
- [Dangerous Food](https://oldnewjokes.com/dangerous-food/) - A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is
- [The Three Sons](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-three-sons-1/) - Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, I built a big house for our mother. The second said, I sent her a Lexus with a driver. The third smiled and said, Ive got
- [Strudel or cheescake?](https://oldnewjokes.com/strudel-or-cheescake/) - Jewish mama: Do you want some pudding/desert? Ive got some strudel and some cheescake. Son: Ill have some cheesecake please. Jewish mama: So whats wrong with the strudel?
- [How can you tell that Michael Jackson is having a birthday party today?](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-can-you-tell-that-michael-jackson-is-having-a-birthday-party-today/) - By all the Big Wheels parked on his front lawn!
- [Va kim Bassinger a confesarse](https://oldnewjokes.com/va-kim-bassinger-a-confesarse/) - Va kim Bassinger a confesarse y el cura en cuanto la ve se pone nervioso: Ave marÃ­a purÃ­sima. Sin pecado concebida. Mire padre que tengo unas dudas. Dime, hija mia, cuÃ©ntame. Padre: Â¿con esta cara puedo ser virgen? Ejem... pues claro hija mÃ­a. En eso Kim se quita la blusa, se baja el sujetador, se
- [gas money](https://oldnewjokes.com/gas-money/) - Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money.
- [Tuesdays Wall Street Journal has](https://oldnewjokes.com/tuesdays-wall-street-journal-has/) - Tuesdays Wall Street Journal has an article about the Dutch takeover of JFK airports International Arrivals building. The Dutch have some interesting ideas on how to clean it up: In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphols urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has
- [Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to](https://oldnewjokes.com/jacques-lefevrier-left-nothing-to/) - Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
- [One life saved...](https://oldnewjokes.com/one-life-saved/) - A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below. He thought to himself, Life isnt so bad after
- [Bush, Cheney, and the Buck](https://oldnewjokes.com/bush-cheney-and-the-buck/) - Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter."Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other
- [Alligatoris Fidelis](https://oldnewjokes.com/alligatoris-fidelis/) - A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open
- [Bridge to Hawaii](https://oldnewjokes.com/bridge-to-hawaii/) - A man was walking down the beach one day and tripped over a bottle. Out popped a Genie! Then Genie says, I will grant you one wish. After a minute of pondering the guy says, I would like you to make me a bridge from here to Hawaii because I hate to fly and I
- [Bribing the Judge](https://oldnewjokes.com/bribing-the-judge/) - A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined! Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer. Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars? No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt
- [Libraries Are Sexy](https://oldnewjokes.com/libraries-are-sexy/) - You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!
- [Q:  How many alt.folklore.urban](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-altfolkloreurban-4/) - Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Two-fifty.
- [Spell Checker](https://oldnewjokes.com/spell-checker/) - Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache
- [A Rabbi and a Priest](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-rabbi-and-a-priest-2/) - A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars.
- [Mammas got back](https://oldnewjokes.com/mammas-got-back/) - Your mamma is so fat, when daddy told her to haul ass she had to make two trips!
- [Guide to Safe Fax](https://oldnewjokes.com/guide-to-safe-fax-3/) - Q: Do I have to be married to have fax? A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How
- [At the convention of blondes](https://oldnewjokes.com/at-the-convention-of-blondes/) - - At a convention of blones, a speaker insisted that "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?" The blonde answered, "120." "No," he said, "thats not right." The audience called out, "Give her another chance." So the speaker asked the blonde,
- [Audiatur et altera pars](https://oldnewjokes.com/audiatur-et-altera-pars/) - While I was attending a law course, the Audiatur et altera pars rule was explained to us. Translated it means, Also the other party has to be heard. After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone did NOT understand the rule. From the auditorium a man shouted, My wife!
- [Recent survey on sex and arguments](https://oldnewjokes.com/recent-survey-on-sex-and-arguments/) - According to a recent survey, approximately 35 per cent of all American men think sex is the best way to end an argument. Let me tell you something, says Jay Leno. This could revolutionize the game of hockey. - The Tonight Show, NBC
- [The Poopie List (shitty jokes)](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-poopie-list-shitty-jokes/) - Ghost PoopieThe kind where you feel the poopie come out, but theres no poopie in the toilet. Clean PoopieThe kind where you seen the poopie come out, but theres nothing on the toilet paper. The Wet PoopieThe kind where you wipe your butt fifty times, and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put
- [The Drunk and the Nun](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-drunk-and-the-nun/) - There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the
- [Q:  How many school](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-school-1/) - Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Lets see: 2 A+s, 3 As, 5 A-s, 11 B+s, 9 Bs, 21 B-s...
- [Funny Thoughts](https://oldnewjokes.com/funny-thoughts-2/) - How come wrong numbers are never busy?Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?Does killing time damage eternity?Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?Why is it that night falls but
- [After surgery](https://oldnewjokes.com/after-surgery/) - As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor? Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.
- [Un profesor de primer ao](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-profesor-de-primer-ao/) - Un profesor de primer aÃ±o de Medicina estÃ¡ dando a sus alumnos la primera lecciÃ³n sobre autopsias en la morgue y les dice: Para hacer una autopsia, hay dos elementos bÃ¡sicos: el primero, no tener ninguna repugnancia. En ese momento, el profesor introduce un dedo en el ano del muerto y luego lo chupa. A
- [Why are camels called ships](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-are-camels-called-ships/) - Why are camels called ships of the desert? - They are full of Arab semen.
- [Who got what](https://oldnewjokes.com/who-got-what/) - Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. Its a very
- [Star Trek](https://oldnewjokes.com/star-trek-1/) - Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
- [Woman saying something smart](https://oldnewjokes.com/woman-saying-something-smart/) - How do you know when a womans about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with A man one told me ....
- [Toddler Property Laws](https://oldnewjokes.com/toddler-property-laws/) - If I like it, its mine. If its in my hand, its mine. If I can take it from you, its mine. If I had it a little while ago, its mine. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. If Im doing or building something, all the pieces are
- [Chemists last words](https://oldnewjokes.com/chemists-last-words-6/) - The last words of a chemist:4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!5. And now shake it a bit.6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
- [Sleep, Sleep, Nails!](https://oldnewjokes.com/sleep-sleep-nails/) - One day 3 dogs wer sitting in front of the vets office. The 1st dog notcies the othher dogs and asked them what they did.i ate my owners cord said the first dog.and im getting put 2 sleep.me 2said the 2nd dog.what did u doasked the 1st dog to the 3rd dog.well u c my
- [Surprise Package](https://oldnewjokes.com/surprise-package/) - At an out of town bar, a young man was watching a very pretty brunette in a corner booth. After a couple of drinks he got up the nerve to walk over and ask to buy her a drink. To his surprise she invited him to join her. They have a great time and she
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Clare! Clare who? Clare your](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-thereclareclare-whoclare-your/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Clare!Clare who?Clare your throat before you speak!
- [Ten Dollar Flight](https://oldnewjokes.com/ten-dollar-flight/) - Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said Ya know Mahtha, Ahd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane. Every year Martha would say, Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten
- [Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a lumberjack?](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-the-difference-between-a-kangaroo-and-a-lumberjack/) - A kangaroo hops and chews and a lumberjack chops and hews.
- [Aleut doctor and a stuck phonograph](https://oldnewjokes.com/aleut-doctor-and-a-stuck-phonograph/) - I was watching a documentary on Aleut life yesterday. The father of the family was telling his clan that the Aleuts were generally very slow to accept modern technology. In fact they suspected it a great deal. One pregnant woman complained to the doctor that a stuck phonograph record had affected her unborn child. Nonsense,
- [A sexy man](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-sexy-man/) - A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men
- [Crossing](https://oldnewjokes.com/crossing/) - Question: Why did the hamster cross the road? Answer: Because it was stuck in the Chickens ass!
- [Shes not a babe, shes...](https://oldnewjokes.com/shes-not-a-babe-shes/) - HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
- [Methods of execution](https://oldnewjokes.com/methods-of-execution/) - There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The
- [Redneck quickies 13](https://oldnewjokes.com/redneck-quickies-13/) - You might be a redneck if...Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care. The directions to your house include turn off the paved road. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
- [yo mama](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-23/) - yo mama is just so stupid
- [Letter to Miller Brewing Company](https://oldnewjokes.com/letter-to-miller-brewing-company/) - The following is a letter I sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month. I still havent received a response ... Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201 Dear Sir or Madam, I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to
- [Little Christmas Angel](https://oldnewjokes.com/little-christmas-angel/) - One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then
- [Bill Clinton jogging](https://oldnewjokes.com/bill-clinton-jogging/) - Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning when he came across a prostitute at an intersection. He asked her what she would charge for an evening. She replyed that she charges $150 dollars. Bill then asked if she would spend the evening for $10. She said no and Bill jogged away. The next day Bill
- [35th wedding annversary](https://oldnewjokes.com/35th-wedding-annversary/) - The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside. Youre all grown men, he
- [Dog Haiku](https://oldnewjokes.com/dog-haiku-1/) - I love my master; Thus I perfume myself with This long-rotten squirrel. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be. Today I sniffed Many dog butts - I celebrate By kissing your face. I sound the alarm! Paperboy - come to kill us all - Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I
- [Jewish Husband](https://oldnewjokes.com/jewish-husband/) - Q - Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A - Under the vacuum cleaner.
- [Superbowl Sunday Order of Service, Holy Eucharist XXXI](https://oldnewjokes.com/superbowl-sunday-order-of-service-holy-eucharist-xxxi/) - Prior to the Entrance Hymn, the pastors will toss a coin. The winner may elect to be the preacher or celebrant; the loser may elect to defend the pulpit or the lectern. The Entrance Hymn: A Multitude Comes from the East and West The Setting Forth of the Rules Any acolyte found to be in
- [He is extremely drunk](https://oldnewjokes.com/he-is-extremely-drunk/) - Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.
- [La familia entera iba de](https://oldnewjokes.com/la-familia-entera-iba-de/) - La familia entera iba de vacaciones: el papÃ¡, la mamÃ¡, los niÃ±os y hasta la abuela. Ya llevaban varias horas de viaje y estaban todos cansados, especialmente los niÃ±os, que desde que parten comienzan a preguntar: Â¿cuÃ¡nto falta para que lleguemos? Bueno, esto hay que imaginÃ¡rselo en inglÃ©s, ya que el viaje era por los
- [Bicycle](https://oldnewjokes.com/bicycle-1/) - A Kid was walking to the bathroom, when he saw through the slightly open door, his mother was in there. She was buck naked and looking into the mirror while rubbing her breasts and moaning I want a man. I NEED a man!. The next day, the same thing happens: the kid is about to
- [Two Engineers](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-engineers/) - Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike? The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
- [Two men sleeping in a barn](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-men-sleeping-in-a-barn/) - Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jacks station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. Im recently widowed, she explained,
- [Third Opinion](https://oldnewjokes.com/third-opinion/) - Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. Doctor Fitzpatrick says, I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered. Doctor Ahn says, I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.
- [A Jury of his Peers](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-jury-of-his-peers/) - The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared a few weeks ago: In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows. The chief Crown witness, the
- [Married women](https://oldnewjokes.com/married-women/) - Darling, she whispered after they had finished making love, Will you still make love like that to me after were married ? He considered this for a moment, and then replied, I think so. Ive always been especially fond of married women.
- [Sven and Olie](https://oldnewjokes.com/sven-and-olie/) - Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they werent hot. Olie replied, We come from Minnesota
- [Camping](https://oldnewjokes.com/camping/) - Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite. When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found
- [Una mujer, cansada de que](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-mujer-cansada-de-que/) - Una mujer, cansada de que su marido llegue borracho a casa todas las noches, decide darle un susto para que escarmiente. Esa noche, cuando el esposo todavÃ­a no regresa de la juerga, se disfraza del diablo y lo espera en silencio en la oscuridad. Apenas escucha girar la llave de la puerta, la esposa se
- [Black guy walks into a](https://oldnewjokes.com/black-guy-walks-into-a/) - Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, Where did you get that? The parrot responds, Africa theres lots of them there!
- [Yo mama so fat](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-so-fat-38/) - Yo mama so fat that when I walked around her, I got lost.
- [One for the Mrs!](https://oldnewjokes.com/one-for-the-mrs/) - An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, Honey, this guy hasnt seen a woman in years.
- [10. In the Star Wars universe,](https://oldnewjokes.com/10-in-the-star-wars-universe/) - 10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on stun. 9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp--the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie. 8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and
- [Pig In A Bar](https://oldnewjokes.com/pig-in-a-bar-1/) - A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you? Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose. And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.
- [Virus Jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/virus-jokes/) - AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice
- [Bar scene](https://oldnewjokes.com/bar-scene/) - Heard this from a D.J.: A guy walks into a bar. He sees an attractive person of the opposite gender and walks up to her. He said, Hey, can I buy you a drink? The gal stands up walks to the middle of the room and shouts, WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, A PROSTITUTE?
- [HEAVEN IS HOTTER THAN HELL](https://oldnewjokes.com/heaven-is-hotter-than-hell/) - The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, asthe light of seven days. Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from
- [New church is being built](https://oldnewjokes.com/new-church-is-being-built/) - In Columbia Maryland, work is progressing on one of the most beautiful chapels Ive ever seen. Since there was no sign at the site, I stopped and asked the Superintendent what denomination it was being built for. He said, None at the moment, a group of investors are building it on speculation.
- [Red Man sends you a](https://oldnewjokes.com/red-man-sends-you-a/) - Red Man sends you a Christmas card.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
- [E.T. is short for?](https://oldnewjokes.com/et-is-short-for/) - Question: Whats E.T. short for? Answer: Because he has little legs!
- [Wounded Iraqi](https://oldnewjokes.com/wounded-iraqi/) - What do you do if an Iraqi with half a head comes running at you? Stop laughing and reload!
- [Todas las maanas, una inocente](https://oldnewjokes.com/todas-las-maanas-una-inocente/) - Todas las maÃ±anas, una inocente y agraciada religiosa recogÃ­a setas cultivadas en el huerto del convento. Cierto dÃ­a, un tÃ­o decidiÃ³ jugarle una buena broma a la monja. Temprano al dÃ­a siguiente y conociendo la rutina de la hermana, se apresurÃ³ en desvestirse y enterrarse de espalda en el huerto, dejando, eso si, su pene
- [A Manolo le encantaba la](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-manolo-le-encantaba-la/) - A Manolo le encantaba la pesca en hielo, por lo que un dÃ­a decide hacerlo despuÃ©s de mucho tiempo. En cuanto llegÃ³ al lugar, se instalÃ³ cÃ³modamente y abriÃ³ un hoyo en el hielo; despuÃ©s y procediÃ³ a introducir el cordel del hilo de pesca. Tras uno cuantos minutos de espera, decidiÃ³ cambiarse de lugar.
- [Elephant Fall Into a Deep Pit](https://oldnewjokes.com/elephant-fall-into-a-deep-pit-1/) - This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the
- [Diary of a Seattle resident](https://oldnewjokes.com/diary-of-a-seattle-resident/) - August 23rd. Just moved to Seattle. Lovely weather, about 75 degrees, no clouds, beautiful trees and mountains, especially Mt. Rainier. Puget Sound ... how cool is that. I wonder how everything stays so green even in the summer?? People here are sure lucky to have such a beautiful outdoors to play in. Only 50 miles
- [Bengals](https://oldnewjokes.com/bengals/) - Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website? Because they couldnt put three Ws in a row.
- [Lawyer Joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/lawyer-joke-14/) - Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says, I will grant you each one wish, but theres a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that. The first guy says, I want a
- [The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-cab-driver-goes-to-heaven/) - A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates andannounces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon readingthe entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff andto proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and
- [DO YOU ACCEPT](https://oldnewjokes.com/do-you-accept/) - DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
- [Divorced Men](https://oldnewjokes.com/divorced-men/) - Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?A. Who cares its not his house any more.
- [Elephant With Thorn](https://oldnewjokes.com/elephant-with-thorn-1/) - An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, Help me, help me. But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replies the elephant, Anything!
- [Producing a system from a](https://oldnewjokes.com/producing-a-system-from-a/) - Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; its easier if its frozen.
- [One day a Canadian an](https://oldnewjokes.com/one-day-a-canadian-an/) - One day a Canadian an Indian and an American went to a cliff. The American says Lets each throw something over the cliff that we have too much of in our countries. The American throws $100. The other two say Whatd ya do that for? The American replies Money weve got plenty of it in
- [Hershey Bars](https://oldnewjokes.com/hershey-bars/) - This pirate had a parrot and all it every said was Polly wanna cracker. One day the parrot was sitting on the pirates shoulder and it kept saying Polly wanna cracker, Polly wanna cracker. The pirate said, This is your warning. If you dont shut up, Im goin to flush you. The parrot said, Polly
- [Ill have whats behind Door Number 3, please!](https://oldnewjokes.com/ill-have-whats-behind-door-number-3-please/) - I got this message detailing a first day of class experience from a friend of a friend. His name is Kevin Stone, and he goes to Clemson University. Just a friendly reminder--look for door numbers.... So Im looking for a class in Newman Hall--- actually, I was looking for Newman Hall-- and, I thought id
- [Heres Little Johnny!](https://oldnewjokes.com/heres-little-johnny/) - A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, Who can tell me what this is? A little girl raised her hand. Yes, Janie, what do you think it is? Its
- [How many jazz purists does it take to change a lightbulb?](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-many-jazz-purists-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb/) - Q: How many jazz purists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 40. 1 to change the bulb and 39 to complain that its electric.
- [Three priests are in a boat with three young boys when the boat starts to sink.](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-priests-are-in-a-boat-with-three-young-boys-when-the-boat-starts-to-sink/) - The first priest says, Weve got to save the boys.The second priest says, Screw the boys.The third priest says, Do you think weve got time?
- [Eran las tres de la](https://oldnewjokes.com/eran-las-tres-de-la/) - Eran las tres de la maÃ±ana, cuando un borracho llega hasta la puerta de su casa. Haciendo gran escÃ¡ndalo este despierta a su mujer que desde el segundo piso se da cuenta que el borracho (su esposo) no podÃ¡a entrar. En eso la mujer le dice al borracho: Mi amor, aquÃ­ te van las llaves.
- [7 Shots of Vodka!](https://oldnewjokes.com/7-shots-of-vodka-1/) - Man goes to the bar and says bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka. The bartender says Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that. The man says Just pour them. The man takes the first shot and the bartender says Hey, you want to talk about it? The man says No! and
- [Cheap Date](https://oldnewjokes.com/cheap-date/) - Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost. The son calculated a minute then replied, Oh, about $15 or so, I think. Well, said the Father, Im proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening. To be
- [Not What I Had In Mind](https://oldnewjokes.com/not-what-i-had-in-mind/) - A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four. Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell
- [Two Brain Cells](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-brain-cells-1/) - Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant
- [US Air Force Humor!](https://oldnewjokes.com/us-air-force-humor/) - Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK,
- [Marrying and Divorcing in Heaven](https://oldnewjokes.com/marrying-and-divorcing-in-heaven/) - It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union.
- [Lessons Adults Learn from Children](https://oldnewjokes.com/lessons-adults-learn-from-children/) - There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
- [A gender-specific dictionary](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-gender-specific-dictionary/) - Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer. Thingy (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a cars hood. male: The strap fastener on a womans bra. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n. female: The
- [Imagine this.](https://oldnewjokes.com/imagine-this/) - A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up. She replied, You mean imagine that its good?!
- [Clinton one-liner](https://oldnewjokes.com/clinton-one-liner-5/) - A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clintons, two hundred bucks isnt enough to make it look right.
- [Osama/Taliban Jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/osamataliban-jokes-1/) - Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V. There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guys head who wears Bounty on his head. â€” Jay Leno We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For
- [You might be a college student if . . .](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-college-student-if-33/) - 34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
- [Unseen](https://oldnewjokes.com/unseen/) - Unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.
- [Speed limit](https://oldnewjokes.com/speed-limit-1/) - Whats the speed limit of sex? 68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around
- [Definition of football](https://oldnewjokes.com/definition-of-football/) - Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta: Caller: What do you think about football? Will: Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
- [Peeping Stacz (adult theme)](https://oldnewjokes.com/peeping-stacz-adult-theme/) - Stacz looked over the backyard fence and admired Freds wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, Stacz corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, Na, na, na, na. I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday. Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Stacz he
- [Authentic Grafitti](https://oldnewjokes.com/authentic-grafitti/) - Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!* Womens Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, MontanaIve decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.If
- [Parachuting in the Army](https://oldnewjokes.com/parachuting-in-the-army/) - In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump. Before the jump the instructor recalls, You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull the
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Orange juice! Orange juice](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-thereorange-juiceorange-juice/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Orange juice!Orange juice who?Orange juice going to talk to me!
- [If the shoe fits, get](https://oldnewjokes.com/if-the-shoe-fits-get-2/) - If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.Whats another word for thesaurus? What would we have called the color orange if it wasnt a fruit? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
- [Como siempre, en la comida](https://oldnewjokes.com/como-siempre-en-la-comida/) - Como siempre, en la comida del domingo estaba el abuelo reunido con toda su descendencia. Al terminar los alimentos, ya en la sobremesa, sus nietos le pidieron que contara una de sus anÃ©cdotas y Ã©ste aceptÃ³: Les contarÃ©... Estaba yo en la selva tratando de cazar alguna fiera; en eso, me abro paso entre la
- [Touring Washington](https://oldnewjokes.com/touring-washington/) - A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldnt find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?The officer replied, Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. Itll
- [All I ask is the](https://oldnewjokes.com/all-i-ask-is-the/) - All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
- [Its not the work that](https://oldnewjokes.com/its-not-the-work-that/) - Its not the work that gets me down, its the coffee breaks.
- [A](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-4/) - A man whose business it is to see that others have a good time.
- [Three in one](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-in-one-1/) - Q. What do you call a dog with no legs? A. Nothing - he cant come to you anyway Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef Q. What do you call a group of cattle in a jacking off? A. Beef Strohganoff
- [Counselling Genius](https://oldnewjokes.com/counselling-genius/) - After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellors office, the
- [What I Want in a Man](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-i-want-in-a-man-3/) - Original List (age 22):1. Handsome2. Charming3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprises10. An imaginative, romantic lover.What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a
- [Clinton one-liner](https://oldnewjokes.com/clinton-one-liner-12/) - The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!
- [Un domingo en la Iglesia,](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-domingo-en-la-iglesia/) - Un domingo en la Iglesia, hay una cola casi infinita de jovenes para confesarse. Llega el primero y dice: Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado tres veces. Bueno, vete a la esquina, reza 10 padrenuestros y no lo vuelvas a hacer. El siguiente: Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado tres veces. Bueno, vete a la esquina, reza
- [Una viejita y un viejo](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-viejita-y-un-viejo/) - Una viejita y un viejo se conocen en una fiesta que organizÃ³ el PAMI para la tercera edad. Luego de charlar un rato, deciden ir a un lugar mÃ¡s tranquilo. Estacionan el auto y hacen el amor. Finalizado el acto y mientras volvÃ­an el viejito pensÃ³: De haber sabido que era virgen hubiera ido a
- [Tres viejos estn sentados en](https://oldnewjokes.com/tres-viejos-estn-sentados-en/) - Tres viejos estÃ¡n sentados en un banco tomando sol. Si es que hay que ver lo que es la edad... tengo 70 aÃ±os, y todos los dÃ­as a las 7 en punto me despierto con unas ganas horribles de orinar, pero no hay forma, me paso el dÃ­a entero intentando mear pero no puedo. Eso
- [Blonde History Lesson.](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-history-lesson-2/) - A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. Would you mind telling me, Doctor, she asked, how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal? Thats easy, he replied. You ask them a simple question
- [One is negative one](https://oldnewjokes.com/one-is-negative-one/) - Theorem: 1 = -1Proof:1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(-1 * -1) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(-1) = 1^ = -1Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing are equal to each other.1 = sqrt(1)-1 = sqrt(1)Therefore 1 = -1As an alternative method for solving:Theorem: 1 = -1Proof:x=1x^2=xx^2-1=x-1(x+1)(x-1)=(x-1)(x+1)=(x-1)/(x-1)x+1=1x=00=1=> 0/0=1/1=1
- [Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child](https://oldnewjokes.com/birth-order-satire-from-a-youngest-child/) - Feeling the Baby Move First Child: I placed my hand on my wifes tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment, when I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to
- [Preparing For Parenthood](https://oldnewjokes.com/preparing-for-parenthood/) - Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down
- [Did you hear that the Unitied States Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous](https://oldnewjokes.com/did-you-hear-that-the-unitied-states-post-office-had-to-recall-its-series-of-stamps-depicting-famous/) - People were confused about which side to spit on.
- [No hablo bovine](https://oldnewjokes.com/no-hablo-bovine/) - A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going, baa, baa! to each other and discussing life as usual, when suddenly they, hear a moo, moooooooooo! They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before. Mooo, mooooooo, moo! One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him.
- [Q:  How do you](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-do-you/) - Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm? A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
- [Everything Men Know About Women](https://oldnewjokes.com/everything-men-know-about-women/) - The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General: Everything Men Know About Women
- [What does Monica Lewinsky have](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-does-monica-lewinsky-have/) - What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? Sat on the Presidential Staff
- [Good Lawyer](https://oldnewjokes.com/good-lawyer/) - One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We dont have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have
- [Being Old and Bent](https://oldnewjokes.com/being-old-and-bent/) - Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is - being young and broke.
- [Why is a double bass better than a violin?](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-is-a-double-bass-better-than-a-violin/) - Q: Why is a double bass better than a violin? A: The double bass burns longer.
- [The difference between theory and experiment.](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-difference-between-theory-and-experiment/) - The difference between theory and experiment: A guy was walking along the street one night, when he came upon a man--a theoretical physicist--on his hands and knees under a street light, searching the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the theoretician replied, Im looking for my car keys. Being a
- [Two Whores](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-whores/) - Two whores were talking shop... Why is it, asked Sharon, that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me? Well, Ill let you in on a little trick, said Tracy. What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and
- [Economists](https://oldnewjokes.com/economists/) - Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, theyd still point in the wrong direction? - irving - (reid@sask.uucp or {alberta, ihnp4, utcsri}!sask!reid)
- [I went out for a walk in Texas...](https://oldnewjokes.com/i-went-out-for-a-walk-in-texas/) - ...and got surrounded on six sides by hexagon bandits.
- [En la tienda de mascotas,](https://oldnewjokes.com/en-la-tienda-de-mascotas/) - En la tienda de mascotas, un tipo estÃ¡ mirando a los animales en venta. De pronto, un loro le llama mucho la atenciÃ³n, pero se asombra cuando ve el precio: 5 mil dÃ³lares. Intrigado se dirige al dueÃ±o: Â¿Por quÃ© este loro cuesta tan caro? Ah, porque si usted le levanta la patita con el
- [History Lessons -- 3](https://oldnewjokes.com/history-lessons-3/) - The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespears famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. Abraham Lincoln
- [Victorias secret](https://oldnewjokes.com/victorias-secret-1/) - A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. This is $200, she says. I want one thats more sheer, says he. This one is $350. I want it even more sheer than that. This one is
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Gravy! Gravy who! Gravy Crockett!](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-theregravygravy-whogravy-crockett/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Gravy!Gravy who!Gravy Crockett!
- [Ways to confuse a roommate](https://oldnewjokes.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate-28/) - These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, Im melting, Im melting!
- [Zit?](https://oldnewjokes.com/zit-1/) - Q: What do you call a zit on a blondes butt? A: A brain tumor.
- [Difference With Computer](https://oldnewjokes.com/difference-with-computer-2/)
- [You Might Be A College Student:](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-college-student/) - You Might Be A College Student: If you average 3 hours of sleep a night If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isnt If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy If you wake up 10 minutes before class
- [Beautiful Womens Month](https://oldnewjokes.com/beautiful-womens-month/) - Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen. Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella. Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I cant go to school looking like this!) Age 20: She looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too
- [Things Youd Love to Say at Work!](https://oldnewjokes.com/things-youd-love-to-say-at-work/) - Things Youâ€™d Love to Say at Work! 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would beâ€¦â€¦â€¦..? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isnâ€™t an office. Itâ€™s Hell with fluorescent lighting! 4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- [Golf Lessons](https://oldnewjokes.com/golf-lessons-2/) - One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didnt know how
- [Debe aferrarse al csped para](https://oldnewjokes.com/debe-aferrarse-al-csped-para/) - Debe aferrarse al cÃ©sped para no despegar de la tierra. El trabajo interfiere con la bebida. El mÃ©dico encuentra rastros de sangre en tu torrente alcohÃ³lico. 24 horas en un dÃ­a, 24 cervezas en la nevera... Â¿Coincidencia? Dos manos y una sola boca... Ã‰se es el problema de la bebida. Puedes enfocar mejor con un
- [Habla un borracho a la](https://oldnewjokes.com/habla-un-borracho-a-la/) - Habla un borracho a la estaciÃ³n de policÃ­a a las tres de la maÃ±ana: Bueeeno, Â¡hic! Â¿DelegaciÃ³n de policÃ­a?, Â¡hic! SÃ­, seÃ±or, a sus Ã³rdenes. Â¿Me puede mandar quince policÃ­as? Â¡CÃ³mo no, seÃ±or! Â¿AdÃ³nde? Â¡A chingar a su madre! Â¡Hic!
- [Question and answer blonde joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-blonde-joke-41/) - Q: What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
- [Tao of programming](https://oldnewjokes.com/tao-of-programming/) - A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. The Tao is embodied in all software--regardless of how insignificant, said the master. Is Tao in a hand-held calculator? asked the novice. It is, came the reply. Is the Tao in a video game? continued the novice. It is even in a
- [Go to Work Naked?](https://oldnewjokes.com/go-to-work-naked/) - 1. Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00! 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources. 4. Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants. 5. To
- [Dress code (adult theme)](https://oldnewjokes.com/dress-code-adult-theme-1/) - Husband and wife in their bedroom. The wife says to the husband: Darling, take off my dress. The husband complies. And now, she says in a husky voice, Take off my high heel shoes. Thats nice. Now, take off my stockings and suspenders. Aaah, good. Now, gently unhook my bra and take it off. Goood.
- [Cant See](https://oldnewjokes.com/cant-see/) - Patient to optometrist: Im very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Dont worry, you wont be able to see the difference.
- [Smooth Flying](https://oldnewjokes.com/smooth-flying/) - Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem? The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, he explained... It took us awhile to find
- [What is Love?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-is-love/) - A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, What does love mean? The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think: When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldnt bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Sherry! Sherry who? Sherry dance?](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-theresherrysherry-whosherry-dance/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Sherry!Sherry who?Sherry dance?
- [On stag night, you take](https://oldnewjokes.com/on-stag-night-you-take/) - On stag night, you take a real deer.You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.Your back porch is bigger than your house.
- [Penguins &Seals](https://oldnewjokes.com/penguins-seals/) - There was a penguin that was driving his car on a hot summer day, and his car broke down, luckily he was right near a gas station. The penguin stopped and the machanic said he could fix it, but it would be awhile. So the penguin went inside and bought a vanilla icecream cone.The penguins
- [Iowan Visits Arkansas](https://oldnewjokes.com/iowan-visits-arkansas/) - This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: You aint from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy? The guy says, Im from Iowa. The bartender asks, What th hell you do in Iowa?
- [Only a Blonde](https://oldnewjokes.com/only-a-blonde/) - Q. What do you do whan a Blonde throws a pin at you? A. Run, because shes got a grenade in the other hand
- [Religious airlines](https://oldnewjokes.com/religious-airlines/) - U heard each of the religions r having their own airplane companies now? Each with its own motto... Baptist Airlines: No drinking, smoking or dancing in the aisles... Catholic Lines: All our attendants wear black Methodist Flys: Drinks for Everybody! Jehovah Witness Wings: No matter how short your bathroom visit... we KEEP knocking at the
- [A schoolteacher was given a](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-schoolteacher-was-given-a/) - A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said, So youre a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a
- [Knock Knock... Roxanne](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knock-roxanne/) - Knock Knock Whos there? Roxanne Roxanne who? Roxanne corals sure do make this aquarium pretty.
- [Playing Mailman](https://oldnewjokes.com/playing-mailman/) - Mrs. Smith was preparing dinner when little Brad came into the kitchen. What has mamas darling been doing all day? Ive been playing mailman, replied Brad. Mailman? asked the mother. How could you do that when you had no letters? I had a whole bunch of letters, said Brad. I found them in that old
- [Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane](https://oldnewjokes.com/cheney-and-the-bushes-on-a-plane/) - Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy. Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window
- [Q:  How many Liberal](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-liberal/) - Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None. Well its not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)
- [Nude statue](https://oldnewjokes.com/nude-statue/) - Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.He said to them, God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with
- [No arms](https://oldnewjokes.com/no-arms/) - A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. Look, said the customer, I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth? Sure, said the bartender, and he did. Now, said the customer,
- [LA High School Maths Exam...](https://oldnewjokes.com/la-high-school-maths-exam/) - LA High School Maths Exam... ... City of LAHigh School Math Proficiency Exam Name:________________ Gang:________________ 1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 11 times at each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload? 2. Jose has
- [Ooh... saw that one coming.](https://oldnewjokes.com/ooh-saw-that-one-coming/) - Whats the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Willoughby! Willoughby who? Willoughby a](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therewilloughbywilloughby-whowilloughby-a/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Willoughby!Willoughby who?Willoughby a monkeys uncle!
- [Car Salesman](https://oldnewjokes.com/car-salesman/) - A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure
- [Scientists on a Photo-Safari](https://oldnewjokes.com/scientists-on-a-photo-safari/) - A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savanna in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: Look! There is a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! It is fantastic! There are
- [What do deaf fish wear?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-do-deaf-fish-wear/) - Herring aids
- [Anybody home?](https://oldnewjokes.com/anybody-home/) - I heard this from my uncle John Herbert. You cant offend anyone with it. A telephone sales person makes a call to an unknown prospect and a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone. Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please? Youngster: (whispering)
- [Trying to be impressive](https://oldnewjokes.com/trying-to-be-impressive/) - A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, Im sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that Im not going to be able to look
- [Question and answer Clinton joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-clinton-joke-41/) - Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
- [As long as there are](https://oldnewjokes.com/as-long-as-there-are/) - As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
- [Yo mamas so poor](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mamas-so-poor-1/) - Yo mamas so poor she wears her McDonalds uniform to church Yo mamas so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a fly, she yelled Hey whered grandma go?!?!?! Yo mamas so poor when I went to her house and asked to use the bathroom, she said Two trees to your left Yo mamas
- [Bzzzz](https://oldnewjokes.com/bzzzz/) - How did the bee hurt his back? He fell off his honey!
- [Deliver us from what?](https://oldnewjokes.com/deliver-us-from-what/) - A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lords Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. Lead us not into temptation she prayed,
- [Sleeping In The Barn](https://oldnewjokes.com/sleeping-in-the-barn/) - Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road: A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask
- [Circus Elephant](https://oldnewjokes.com/circus-elephant/) - There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldnt afford to feed it. Hed never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground
- [Girl from Wenatch-Limmerick](https://oldnewjokes.com/girl-from-wenatch-limmerick/) - Limmerick of the Day: There once was a girl from Wenatch, She tried to get it on with a match, She got so excited, The damn thing ignited, And burned all the hair off her snatch!
- [Mildly off color story using fractured French](https://oldnewjokes.com/mildly-off-color-story-using-fractured-french/) - (This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and leather goods were not openly sold.) An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the visit to France was
- [Q:  How many Macintosh](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-macintosh/) - Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
- [The Worst Golf Foursome](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-worst-golf-foursome/) - What is the worst golf foursome? O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, Monica Lewinski, and Bill Clinton. Why? O.J. Slices, Kennedy cant go near the water, Monica hooks, and Bill does not know what hole he is on.
- [Blonde Jokes joke #11106](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-jokes-joke-11106/) - Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. This picture looks like someone I know she says. The other one has a look and says, Of course dummy, its ME....
- [What a strange coincidence](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-a-strange-coincidence/) - Check it out! A strange coincidence. Colin If any of you remember the movie Back to the Future II you will recall that Bif goes to the future and steals a Sports Almanac, where in turn he goes back to the past to give it to young Bif. As we all know Young Bif was
- [Little Johnnys Most wanted](https://oldnewjokes.com/little-johnnys-most-wanted/) - Little Johnnys kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. Yes, said the policeman. The detectives
- [What Are Ya, Chicken?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-are-ya-chicken/) - Whyd the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how!
- [A 75-year old man went](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-75-year-old-man-went/) - A 75-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
- [The College Food Chain](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-college-food-chain/) - I found this on a wall at Iowa State University. ************************************************************************ THE DEAN Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God THE DEPARTMENT HEAD Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch
- [Things Bart Simpson has had to write on the chalkboard as punishment](https://oldnewjokes.com/things-bart-simpson-has-had-to-write-on-the-chalkboard-as-punishment/) - If you are a cartoon character, have friends or relatives who are cartoon characters, or are a cartoon character sympathizer... please delete this message now. (grin) I will not defame New Orleans I will not waste chalk I will not skateboard in the halls I will not burp in class I will not instigate a
- [Voice Command Radio](https://oldnewjokes.com/voice-command-radio/) - A young woman purchases her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and is having trouble tuning her radio to the station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio. Miss, the salesperson said, this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons
- [Malcolm X Shirt](https://oldnewjokes.com/malcolm-x-shirt/) - Your Mama is so fat, that when she wore a Malcolm X T-shirt, a helicopter tried to land on her!
- [Help Wanted](https://oldnewjokes.com/help-wanted-1/) - As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry). Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin - among many others have sworn to leave
- [Lost For An Answer](https://oldnewjokes.com/lost-for-an-answer/) - Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ? the suspicious wife sneered. No, I cant. the husband replied. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.
- [Definition of a Good Marriage](https://oldnewjokes.com/definition-of-a-good-marriage/) - A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. ---Michel de Montaigne
- [The following are only learned from college](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-following-are-only-learned-from-college-8/) - 91. Always wear your safety goggles, theyre not kidding.92. You just dont learn last names.93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.95. Card games never lasted for hours before.96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you
- [Ways to confuse a roommate](https://oldnewjokes.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate-76/) - These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
- [A meeting is an event](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-meeting-is-an-event/) - A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
- [Russian professor and his flea experiment](https://oldnewjokes.com/russian-professor-and-his-flea-experiment-1/) - A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea. He said: Jump, flea! and it jumped 40 centimetres high. So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record in the experimental log: I said: Jump,flea! and it jumped 40 cm. Then he tore off one of the
- [Army roll call](https://oldnewjokes.com/army-roll-call/) - It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: AmesHere! JensonHere! JonesHere! MagerskyHere! Seeback -- Seeback! -- SEEBACK!!! -- At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeants ear. He looked again at what the last name
- [Pig In A Bar](https://oldnewjokes.com/pig-in-a-bar/) - A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you? Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose. And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Nadya! Nadya who? Nadya head](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therenadyanadya-whonadya-head/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Nadya!Nadya who?Nadya head if you understand what Im saying!
- [Yo mama is so ugly](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-is-so-ugly-31/) - Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say Wow, is it Halloween already?
- [Old Lady in Court](https://oldnewjokes.com/old-lady-in-court-1/) - Defence Attorney: What is your age?Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
- [Wheel of disfortune](https://oldnewjokes.com/wheel-of-disfortune-1/) - Your momma so stupid that when she goes on wheel of fortune she buys a seven!
- [A blind man in a store](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-blind-man-in-a-store-1/) - A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, What are you doing?!! The blind man replies, Just looking around.
- [Ways to confuse a roommate](https://oldnewjokes.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate-102/) - These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, Dont worry. Its not what you think. If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
- [How do you stop a](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-do-you-stop-a/) - How do you stop a black gang from beating you up? - Throw them a basketball.
- [Im not as dumb as](https://oldnewjokes.com/im-not-as-dumb-as/) - Im not as dumb as you look.
- [Q: How does the blonde car pool work?](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-does-the-blonde-car-pool-work/) - A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
- [The artist](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-artist/) - An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. I have good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told
- [Q:  How many light](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-light-3/) - Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?A: One, if you aim well.
- [Erotic sex or kinky sex?](https://oldnewjokes.com/erotic-sex-or-kinky-sex/) - What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken
- [Her Splintered Crotch](https://oldnewjokes.com/her-splintered-crotch/) - A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
- [Looking back on photos](https://oldnewjokes.com/looking-back-on-photos/) - The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, Theres Jennifer; shes a lawyer, or Thats Michael, hes a doctor.A small voice
- [Ways to confuse a roommate](https://oldnewjokes.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate-34/) - These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.
- [Dont give us a bad name](https://oldnewjokes.com/dont-give-us-a-bad-name/) - There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her
- [Stupid mistakes are made by](https://oldnewjokes.com/stupid-mistakes-are-made-by/) - Stupid mistakes are made by others. We only make unavoidable errors.
- [Mutated Gene](https://oldnewjokes.com/mutated-gene/) - All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.
- [Brain](https://oldnewjokes.com/brain/) - Theres a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the mayyat are dancing the bhangra and singing and general balle balle is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat. So one of them
- [What if Earth First! handicapped the NFL?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-if-earth-first-handicapped-the-nfl/) - (Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaughs Environmentalist Wacko Football Picks.) The Tree-Huggers Guide to the NFL Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be banned. But that doesnt mean that you cant enjoy it when youre not out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution- mongering crime against the Earth.
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Ya! Ya who? I didnt](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-thereyaya-whoi-didnt/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Ya!Ya who?I didnt know you were a cowboy!
- [The Lazy Husband](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-lazy-husband/) - The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, youre just lazy.Okay, said
- [Dos cientificos se encuentran y](https://oldnewjokes.com/dos-cientificos-se-encuentran-y/) - Dos cientificos se encuentran y preguntÃ¡ndose por sus descubrimientos, uno dice: Yo he consegido una simbiosis, he cruzado ladillas con luciÃ©rnagas. Y el otro pregunta: Â¿Y quÃ© utilidad tiene? No lo sÃ©, pero tengo unos cojones que parecen Las Vegas.
- [Hide him during a war](https://oldnewjokes.com/hide-him-during-a-war/) - It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.Well, answered the priest, thats not a sin.But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every
- [Carsons Observation on Footwear:](https://oldnewjokes.com/carsons-observation-on-footwear/) - Carsons Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
- [Gen. Santa Claus visiting an army base](https://oldnewjokes.com/gen-santa-claus-visiting-an-army-base/) - Copied from Ann Landers Column: Landers: Santas official visit has special Claus in military directives. DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. -- Steve Online Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has
- [Bad day](https://oldnewjokes.com/bad-day-4/) - A pickle, A cucumber, and a (member) were all sitting around discussing how bad their days were. The cucumber said I had the worst day ever my boss tried to pickle me. Oh yeah said the pickle my boss tried to eat me. I have all you guys beat said the (member), my owner stuck
- [Chocolate Rules ...](https://oldnewjokes.com/chocolate-rules/) - If youve got melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it far too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it
- [JokesGalore defines farts!](https://oldnewjokes.com/jokesgalore-defines-farts/) - Heres a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, what was that?, you can now explain! Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything,
- [Military Cooperation?](https://oldnewjokes.com/military-cooperation/) - This is an old joke that has been heard around the Pentagon for some years, now. One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they dont speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The
- [Air Ireland](https://oldnewjokes.com/air-ireland/) - Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window. By Jesus, said Paddy, will you look at how fookin short that runway is.Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.This is going to
- [67 razones por las que](https://oldnewjokes.com/67-razones-por-las-que/) - 67 razones por las que es mejor ser hombre: 1. Las conversaciones telefÃ³nicas duran 30 segundos. 2. En las pelÃ­culas los desnudos son casi siempre femeninos. 3. Sabes cosas sobre autos y mecÃ¡nica. 4. Vacaciones de 5 dÃ­as requieren solo una maleta. 5. FÃºtbol los domingos. 6. No tienes que monitorear la vida sexual de
- [69 ... 77](https://oldnewjokes.com/69-77/) - Q: Why do women like 77 better than 69? A: Because its eight more
- [Aggies R Dum](https://oldnewjokes.com/aggies-r-dum/) - There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go. The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had
- [Football Fans vs. Nuns](https://oldnewjokes.com/football-fans-vs-nuns/) - There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldnt see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, theres only 25 Catholics there." One of the other guys says, "Well, I
- [Its fun to charter](https://oldnewjokes.com/its-fun-to-charter/) - Recently overheard definition of an economist: someone whos good with figures, but doesnt have enough personality to become an accountant.
- [Fish says, "Duuuuude!"](https://oldnewjokes.com/fish-says-quotduuuuudequot-1/) - What does a fish use to get high? Seaweed!
- [The Bikers decision.](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-bikers-decision/) - Youd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day. He was complaining because he couldnt decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed. Eventually he
- [Super Orgasm When:](https://oldnewjokes.com/super-orgasm-when/) - How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm? Her husband wakes up.
- [Elderly, sex, non-offensive](https://oldnewjokes.com/elderly-sex-non-offensive/) - A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench crying. The police drive by and see him. They stop to see what is wrong. Police: Whats wrong? Elderly Man: Im married to a twenty year old woman. (Continues to cry) Police: Sir, thats nothing to cry about, you should be happy. Elderly man:
- [An IBM acronym](https://oldnewjokes.com/an-ibm-acronym-10/) - IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
- [A lawyer charged a client $500.00](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-lawyer-charged-a-client-50000/) - A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together -- hed been overpaid by $100.00. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Ima! Ima who? Ima girl](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-thereimaima-whoima-girl/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Ima!Ima who?Ima girl who cant say no...!
- [Common With Computer](https://oldnewjokes.com/common-with-computer-1/) - Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? A: You dont know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
- [What did the doctor say?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-did-the-doctor-say/) - A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you dont follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at
- [What does a tight rope walker and a man getting oral sex from a 90 year old woman gave in common?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-does-a-tight-rope-walker-and-a-man-getting-oral-sex-from-a-90-year-old-woman-gave-in-common/) - Neither look down.
- [Preacher, Peanuts, Recluse](https://oldnewjokes.com/preacher-peanuts-recluse/) - One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady. "Help yourself," she replies. After about an hour and a
- [Motto of the frugal hooker](https://oldnewjokes.com/motto-of-the-frugal-hooker/) - This is a great business to be in. You got it, You sell it, And you still got it. (via Original Sins)
- [The Firing Squad](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-firing-squad/) - A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had
- [Talking Parrot](https://oldnewjokes.com/talking-parrot/) - A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking. Yes, the pet store owner said, this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions. The deal was made and the
- [Operating systems as beers](https://oldnewjokes.com/operating-systems-as-beers-6/) - VMS Beer -- Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
- [Una seora se va a](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-seora-se-va-a/) - Una seÃ±ora se va a operar de las tetas. Cuando la operacion termina ella dice: SeÃ±or, pero no tengo nada. Estoy peor que antes. Lo que pasa es que usted tiene que agitar los brazos y se le inflarÃ¡n, le responde el doctor, mientras le mueve los brazos como una gallina. DÃ­as despuÃ©s la seÃ±ora
- [The game of golf!](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-game-of-golf-1/) - In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Pizza! Pizza who? Pizza the](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therepizzapizza-whopizza-the/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Pizza!Pizza who?Pizza the pie!
- [Definition of a smart Blonde.](https://oldnewjokes.com/definition-of-a-smart-blonde/) - One who doesnt move her lips when she reads.
- [Rookie Pitcher](https://oldnewjokes.com/rookie-pitcher/) - A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him."Ive figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."
- [Orange and Banana](https://oldnewjokes.com/orange-and-banana/) - Knock Knock! Whos there? Banana! Banana who? Knock Knock! Whos there? Banana! Banana who? Knock Knock! Whos there? Banana! Banana who? Knock Knock! Whos there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you glad I didnt say Banana!
- [Learn your ABCs - Mom Style!](https://oldnewjokes.com/learn-your-abcs-mom-style/) - A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad
- [Cat Food](https://oldnewjokes.com/cat-food/) - A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! Hes going to really be ticked if its not ready on time. When she gets home, she realizes she doesnt have enough time to go to the supermarket,and
- [A Womans Scorn](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-womans-scorn/) - A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified,
- [A Roomful of Rednecks](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-roomful-of-rednecks/) - What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.
- [Dying Wives!](https://oldnewjokes.com/dying-wives/) - I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull. Thats a shame. said his friend , How did it happen? She wouldnt eat the fucking mushrooms!
- [La madre de tres hijas](https://oldnewjokes.com/la-madre-de-tres-hijas/) - La madre de tres hijas les pregunta a cada una cÃ³mo tienen el miembro sus respectivos esposos. La primera anuncia que su esposo lo tiene largo pero delgado; a lo que la madre responde: Eso es elegancia, hija. La segunda responde que su marido lo tiene gordo pero corto; a lo que la mamÃ¡ declara:
- [The Very Special Parrot!](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-very-special-parrot-2/) - A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife. So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back. Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal the salesman said. What makes him
- [Boss](https://oldnewjokes.com/boss/) - A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars. Why, does the parrot cost so much? asks the man. The owner says, Well the parrot knows how to use a computer.
- [The Last Ones Law Of](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-last-ones-law-of/) - The Last Ones Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.
- [Did you hear about the blonde who...](https://oldnewjokes.com/did-you-hear-about-the-blonde-who-1/) - ...took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
- [It is better to rule](https://oldnewjokes.com/it-is-better-to-rule/) - It is better to rule in hell, then to serve in Heaven.
- [Mirror Mirror](https://oldnewjokes.com/mirror-mirror-4/) - There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
- [Getting pleasure](https://oldnewjokes.com/getting-pleasure/) - Whats six inches long and guaranteed to give British Jewish women pleasure? A ten pound note
- [School Sign](https://oldnewjokes.com/school-sign/) - TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign..TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.
- [Christmas is coming](https://oldnewjokes.com/christmas-is-coming/) - When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop, Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,And he told me there was something that I had to know; His look and his tone I will always remember,When he told me of the horrors
- [Quite mad train rider](https://oldnewjokes.com/quite-mad-train-rider/) - One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man: Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but Im very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So
- [A hiring policy that makes sense](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-hiring-policy-that-makes-sense/) - In a small town in the U.S., there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what? Not
- [Mr. Miller](https://oldnewjokes.com/mr-miller/) - A man enters the saloon and asks, Who is the chap named Miller?! I am Miller, answers an old man sitting at the bar. The man at the door walks to Mr. Miller and knocks him down. Then he leaves the saloon. Mr. Miller rises, sits on his chair again and starts laughing. Why are
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Marietta! Marietta who? Marietta whole](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-theremariettamarietta-whomarietta-whole/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Marietta!Marietta who?Marietta whole cake!
- [Yo mama is so stupid](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-is-so-stupid-38/) - Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
- [Your mom is so fat...](https://oldnewjokes.com/your-mom-is-so-fat-1/) - Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still havent seen all of her!
- [Hunting](https://oldnewjokes.com/hunting-2/) - Two people go hunting.One shoots a bow arrow in a deer.He says,Sit down and wait here and dont make a sound.So he leaves. The other man does not make a sound. So the other man findsthe deer but then he hears a scream. He runs to the man sitting down. he says Why did you
- [A theory is better than](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-theory-is-better-than/) - A theory is better than its explanation.
- [The Whales.](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-whales-1/) - Your momma so fat, when she goes to the aquarium the whales sing WE ARE FAMILY.
- [What are the 70 things women love most?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-are-the-70-things-women-love-most/) - Q: What are the 70 things women love most? A: 69 and shopping!
- [Ouch!](https://oldnewjokes.com/ouch-1/) - A blondes redhead decides to show her a neat way to trick people -- you put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it. But before they do, you pull your hand away! "That is a neat trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isnt all too successful.
- [Motivation for wrestlers](https://oldnewjokes.com/motivation-for-wrestlers/) - Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestlers trainer comes to him and says, Now dont forget all the research weve done on this Russian. Hes never lost a match because of
- [The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie "Twister"](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-top-17-rejected-titles-for-the-movie-quottwisterquot/) - (in case you didnt know, twister is a movie about a bunch of storm-chasers who do research on tornados.) Totally Gone With The Wind Lift and Separate Boys on the Side - Of My Barn Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldnt Fit in the Plot The Weather Channel: The Movie Schindlers Twist
- [Liberalism in the 60s](https://oldnewjokes.com/liberalism-in-the-60s/) - Yesterday in American Public Policy 1946-present, professor Gillon was talking about American liberals and their faith in the Kennedy clan. He said that: In 1964, Liberals thought If only Jack had lived . . . In 1968, Liberals thought If only Ed had lived . . . In 1969, they thought If only Ted could
- [Question and answer Clinton joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-clinton-joke-65/) - Q: Why arent Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?A: It takes too long to retrain them.
- [Q:  How many Tauruses](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-tauruses-1/) - Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
- [En una noche tenebrosa, un](https://oldnewjokes.com/en-una-noche-tenebrosa-un/) - En una noche tenebrosa, un vampiro se hace acompaÃ±ar por su hijo para enseÃ±arle como chupar sangre. DespuÃ©s de atrapar a un incauto, le demuestra como hacerlo: Â¿Entendiste como se hace? SÃ­, responde el vampirillo. En eso, ven a un borracho orinando y el padre le ordena: Ahora, hijo, ve y chÃºpale la sangre. Cuando
- [The adventure of mind US business & trouble](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-adventure-of-mind-us-business-trouble/) - There were two kids one was named mind ur bisness and the other one was named trouble and they were playing in the woods and trouble got lost so mind ur bisness went to the police station and told the officer wat happened the officer said ok wat is ur name the kid said mind
- [Virgins & Angels](https://oldnewjokes.com/virgins-angels/) - Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to
- [Endless Babysitting](https://oldnewjokes.com/endless-babysitting/) - When a womans friend was having her third baby in four years, she volunteered to keep the older two children overnight. One night turned into several, and eventually the woman was running out of supplies. She asked her husband to go over and get some things from the friends husband. Did he give you everything?
- [Matsushita Electric is promoting a](https://oldnewjokes.com/matsushita-electric-is-promoting-a/) - Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system user-friendly, licensed the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker as the Internet guide. Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the
- [Honesty is the best policy,](https://oldnewjokes.com/honesty-is-the-best-policy/) - Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
- [Do Pigs have Pen Pals?](https://oldnewjokes.com/do-pigs-have-pen-pals/) - Do Pigs have Pen Pals?
- [Sabi](https://oldnewjokes.com/sabi/) - how do u get sabrina to laugh on sunday? Tell her a joke on wednesday
- [Difference in blonde man and woman (adult)](https://oldnewjokes.com/difference-in-blonde-man-and-woman-adult/) - Q: What is the difference between the blonde male and the blonde female? A: The female has the higher sperm count.
- [Bridge with the Colonels wife](https://oldnewjokes.com/bridge-with-the-colonels-wife/) - Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonels home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonels wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound
- [Bear walks into a bar...](https://oldnewjokes.com/bear-walks-into-a-bar-1/) - This is better told than read...A bear walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender says, What can I get you?The bear says Ill have a ................................................................... Beer.Bartender says, Whats with the paws?
- [Buss Service](https://oldnewjokes.com/buss-service/) - The following appeared in Jean Goddens column in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer on December 24, 1990 after an extraordinarily heavy snowfall crippled transportation services: Buss service: The Metro bus driver on No. 55 from West Seattle Friday morning announced over the microphone: Keep pushing to the back, folks, make a few friends. Consider this a very
- [Actual Bumper Stickers](https://oldnewjokes.com/actual-bumper-stickers/) - Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Horn broken, watch for finger. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My kid had sex with your honor student. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know
- [Stupid questions get greate replies](https://oldnewjokes.com/stupid-questions-get-greate-replies/) - I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. Id finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and
- [Losing my connection](https://oldnewjokes.com/losing-my-connection/) - Losing My Connection by Alan Zacher to the tune of Losing My Religion (Apologies to REM) Windoze is bigger Its bigger than Earth But not quite as big as The things that I must do now To upgrade all my stuff Oh no I need more RAM I set it up Thats me in the
- [Yo mama is so fat](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-is-so-fat-66/) - Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
- [Dos chinos que andaban de](https://oldnewjokes.com/dos-chinos-que-andaban-de-1/)
- [An Early Peek at Clintons](https://oldnewjokes.com/an-early-peek-at-clintons/) - Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you havent been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I havent tried to do are The First Lady, Reno,
- [Moms Dictionary](https://oldnewjokes.com/moms-dictionary-2/) - Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby
- [Computer Problem Report Form](https://oldnewjokes.com/computer-problem-report-form/) - 1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__
- [Ways to confuse a roommate](https://oldnewjokes.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate-25/) - These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovics Pennsylvania Polka, and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that its an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
- [Even if you win the](https://oldnewjokes.com/even-if-you-win-the/) - Even if you win the rat race, youre still a rat.
- [Weight Watchers](https://oldnewjokes.com/weight-watchers/) - A friend and I had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything chocolate.
- [Artificial Insemination](https://oldnewjokes.com/artificial-insemination/) - A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display
- [Bra and Boxers!](https://oldnewjokes.com/bra-and-boxers/) - Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!Wife: You wear shorts!
- [Potato Patch](https://oldnewjokes.com/potato-patch/) - An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, For HEAVENS SAKE
- [King of Beers](https://oldnewjokes.com/king-of-beers/) - After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Senior, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from
- [Painting the town red](https://oldnewjokes.com/painting-the-town-red/) - This little drama was told me by one of the Polish students in Oxford. Apparently it was a popular joke in Poland during the late 80s. Jocelyn Paine [ Scene : The White House ] Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And theyve started to
- [Yo mama is so fat](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-is-so-fat-112/) - Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
- [Q:  How many Russian](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-russian-1/) - Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
- [En una clase de Ciencias,](https://oldnewjokes.com/en-una-clase-de-ciencias/) - En una clase de Ciencias, la profesora explica la lecciÃ³n: Hoy vamos a hablar de las hienas: Son animales que viven en el centro de Ãfrica, se alimentan de carne en estado de putrefacciÃ³n, realizan el acto sexual una vez al aÃ±o y el rugido que emiten es parecido a la sonrisa humana. Al dÃ­a
- [Crying about his life](https://oldnewjokes.com/crying-about-his-life/) - Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.Well, says the old fellow, I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have
- [Spaghetti](https://oldnewjokes.com/spaghetti/) - Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common? A:They both wiggle when you eat them!
- [History does not repeat itself,](https://oldnewjokes.com/history-does-not-repeat-itself/) - History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
- [if only life could be like a computer](https://oldnewjokes.com/if-only-life-could-be-like-a-computer/) - If you messed up your life, you could press Ctrl, Alt, Delete and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on run! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit any key to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To
- [Whats the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-the-difference-between-a-shower-curtain-and-toilet-paper/) - You dont know?So youre the one!
- [Plugs and football teams](https://oldnewjokes.com/plugs-and-football-teams/) - What does a three-pin plug have in common with the England football (soccer) team?Theyre both completely useless in Europe!
- [Dumb People](https://oldnewjokes.com/dumb-people/) - Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and heres how...An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.As smart as bait.Chimneys clogged.Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.Doesnt know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.Elevator doesnt go all the
- [Q: How many Iranians does](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-iranians-does/) - Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
- [A gun for my hubby.](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-gun-for-my-hubby-1/) - A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. Its for my husband, she tells the clerk. Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk. Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!
- [2 leprochans and a nun](https://oldnewjokes.com/2-leprochans-and-a-nun/) - One day 2 leprochans were having an arguement. so they they went to a convent and they rang the doorbell. wen the nun came out one of the leprochans asked her sister, are there any nuns my size here? she replied no little leprochan, there are no nuns here your size he then said oh....well,
- [Gender of Computers](https://oldnewjokes.com/gender-of-computers/) - The gender of computers An inquisitive researcher, who enjoyed sailing, was aware that ships are addressed as she and her. He often wondered in what gender computers should be addressed.. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group
- [Paddy and mick](https://oldnewjokes.com/paddy-and-mick/) - Paddy and mick go into the woods to go hunting.during the night paddy wakes up and spots sonething in the distance he wakes up mick and says Look mick. when mick looks over a mans head is hanging out of a crocodiles mouth then paddy says that bastards got a lacoste sleeping bag.
- [A Tale of a Cat and some Mice](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-tale-of-a-cat-and-some-mice/) - One day a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven. There he met the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat, You have lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable please let me know. The cat thought for a moment
- [The Prodigal Sons Return](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-prodigal-sons-return/) - We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, Throwing wide his arms, the father said... at which
- [The Wars Over!](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-wars-over/) - It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.Well, answered the Priest, thats no sin.But I made him pay me 20 gulden for
- [Lawyer Jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/lawyer-jokes-1/) - Q: What do u have when their is a lawyer up to his neck in cement? A: not enough cement Q: Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: Ones a gross dirty slimy scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and ones a fish...
- [The Difference Between Small and Large Breasts](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-difference-between-small-and-large-breasts/) - WOMEN WITH BIG BREASTS: can get a taxi on the worst days have a neat place to carry spare change have always been the center of the arts make jogging a spectator sport can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub have more negotiating power usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
- [Three Men and a Genie](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-men-and-a-genie/) - Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, You will each get one wish. The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man
- [Double Martini on the Rocks](https://oldnewjokes.com/double-martini-on-the-rocks/) - A business man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes the second one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket, and asks the
- [Some last minute requests](https://oldnewjokes.com/some-last-minute-requests/) - A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, Give it to me straight. How long have I got? The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, Call for my lawyer. When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his
- [Not getting pregnant](https://oldnewjokes.com/not-getting-pregnant/) - I must take every precaution not to get pregnant, said Edna to Priscilla.But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy, Priscilla responded.He did. Thats why I have to take every precaution.
- [Redneck Girl](https://oldnewjokes.com/redneck-girl/) - You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table in front of her kids.
- [Things Just Fallin&#](https://oldnewjokes.com/things-just-fallin/) - This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now Im afraid
- [Amit era un alto funcionario](https://oldnewjokes.com/amit-era-un-alto-funcionario-1/)
- [Doctor I saw it](https://oldnewjokes.com/doctor-i-saw-it/) - Q:why do the people have heart Attacks? A:Because they saw your face
- [Brookes Law:  Whenever a](https://oldnewjokes.com/brookes-law-whenever-a/) - Brookes Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
- [What do Monica and Bill](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-do-monica-and-bill-1/) - What do Monica and Bill Clinon have most in common? Theyre both going down.
- [Death is Natures way of](https://oldnewjokes.com/death-is-natures-way-of/) - Death is Natures way of saying slow down.
- [El avin donde viajan dos](https://oldnewjokes.com/el-avin-donde-viajan-dos/) - El aviÃ³n donde viajan dos frailes franciscanos sufre una falla y se lanzan por el paracaidas. A uno de ellos no le da tiempo de ponerse los chones y se lanza solo con su hÃ¡bito y se dirige hacia un convento de madres capuchinas; una de ellas mira al cielo y ve que algo viene
- [Englishman Irishman Scotsman](https://oldnewjokes.com/englishman-irishman-scotsman/) - An englishman walked into a bar and asked for a pint of guiness. An irishman walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of strongbow. A scotsman walked into a bar. BANG! it was an iron bar..
- [The Priest and the baby](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-priest-and-the-baby/) - A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they dont know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.The doctor says to the woman, I know what well do. After
- [Your Kind of Man](https://oldnewjokes.com/your-kind-of-man/) - Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, What kind of man are you attracted to? Ive always been drawn to Native American men, she replied. Theyre in harmony with nature. I see, said the man, nodding. But, then, I really go for Jewish
- [Seminars For Women (given by Men)](https://oldnewjokes.com/seminars-for-women-given-by-men/) - Are you ready to leave? - Definition of the word yes Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly, Honey, do I look fat?) Elementary Map Reading Crying and law enforcement Advanced Math Seminar - Program your VCR You can go shopping for less than 4 hours Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in
- [Having a snowball as a pet](https://oldnewjokes.com/having-a-snowball-as-a-pet/)
- [wondering eyes](https://oldnewjokes.com/wondering-eyes/) - TEACHER :I hope I didnt see you looking at Dons paper. GARY: I hope you didnt either.
- [You know youre a redneck if...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-know-youre-a-redneck-if/) - The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. Jack
- [1. Sus deseos de amar](https://oldnewjokes.com/1-sus-deseos-de-amar/) - 1. Sus deseos de amar aumentarÃ¡n a medida que los de su cÃ³nyuge disminuyan. Pero para cuando el deseo de su cÃ³nyuge haya aumentado considerablemente, usted ya se habrÃ¡ masturbado. 2. Si su conyuge goza demasiado es porque estÃ¡ fingiendo. 3. Si hace mucho tiempo que sus amigos y/o parientes no lo visitan, pÃ³ngase a
- [A backscratcher will always find](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-backscratcher-will-always-find/) - A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
- [Drinking Beer](https://oldnewjokes.com/drinking-beer/) - Four leaders of beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Millers president orders a Millers.The president of Coors orders a Coors.When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didnt you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys arent having a beer
- [The Popes Camera (adult)](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-popes-camera-adult/) - One morning the Pope awoke in his bedchamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.; Perplexed, he called on his personal physician. Doctor, this should not be possible, he said, Im the Pope, and Im celibate! I havent had one of these for 50 years!
- [Flies Point of View](https://oldnewjokes.com/flies-point-of-view/) - Two flies were strolling along the ceiling of an apartment. You know, remarked the first little fly, human beings are so silly! People are silly? replied the second fly. How do you figure that? The first fly shrugged his wings. Just take a look, he said, They spend good money building a nice high ceiling,
- [Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-does-a-blonde-kill-a-fish/) - A: She drowns it.
- [You might be a redneck if...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-redneck-if-165/) - You might be a redneck if... Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.
- [Two (relatively) new Yugo/Lada jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-relatively-new-yugolada-jokes/) - My wife saw these in the current Business and Finance so maybe theyre not that new. (USA readers substitute Yugo for Lada)... Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada Users Manual? A. The bus and train timetables. Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill? A. A bloody miracle.
- [Deathbed Confession](https://oldnewjokes.com/deathbed-confession/) - The was a man who had three georgeous kids and one extremely gruesome one. While on his deathbed, he asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I the father to our last boy, Craig?" "Yes, honey," rplied his wife, "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours." "I can
- [Mouse Balls](https://oldnewjokes.com/mouse-balls/) - This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
- [Speed.](https://oldnewjokes.com/speed/) - A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to
- [Question and answer Clinton joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-clinton-joke-88/) - Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?A: Highway 55.
- [With Viagra such a hit,](https://oldnewjokes.com/with-viagra-such-a-hit/) - With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.... DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to
- [Una dama de sociedad visita](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-dama-de-sociedad-visita/) - Una dama de sociedad visita a su pÃ¡rroco un dÃ­a y le comenta: Padre, estoy muy preocupada, resulta que tengo dos cotorras hembras que sÃ³lo dicen: somos prostitutas Â¿quieren divertirse? El sacerdote extraÃ±ado del caso, le dice: Eso es muy obsceno, pero creo que tengo la soluciÃ³n hija mÃ­a. Yo tengo aquÃ­ en la parroquia
- [Two nuns come over](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-nuns-come-over/) - Two nuns come over here from Ireland. They are riding the bus from the airport to their hotel and one turns to the other and says these people are barbarians, i have heard that they eat dog. the other nun gasps. they get off the bus and see a vendor selling food so the first
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Bitter Bianca! Bitter Bianca](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-therebitter-biancabitter-bianca/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Bitter Bianca!Bitter Bianca who?Bitter Bianca next train out of here, pardner!
- [Ways to confuse a roommate](https://oldnewjokes.com/ways-to-confuse-a-roommate-93/) - These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, Okay, guys, you can come out now.
- [Biology Instructor](https://oldnewjokes.com/biology-instructor/) - Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girls junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Simison gasped, and then said,
- [How to be annoying](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-to-be-annoying-1/) - Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP! Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly. Sell Girl
- [Nuns On The Road (Rated)](https://oldnewjokes.com/nuns-on-the-road-rated/) - Two nuns are traveling through Tansylvania in their car. They get stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield! Quick, quick!! shouts the first nun, What shall I do? Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination, shouts
- [Three men, a Jewish man,](https://oldnewjokes.com/three-men-a-jewish-man/) - Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, werehaving drinks at the bar following a business meeting.The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, I have foursons. One more and Ill have a basketball team.The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,Thats nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and Ill
- [God Bless Us](https://oldnewjokes.com/god-bless-us/) - There are five people on a plane thats crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, God bless me! Bill Gates jumps out and yells, God bless me and my bank account! Michael Jordan jumps out and yells,
- [Youve ever worn shorts to](https://oldnewjokes.com/youve-ever-worn-shorts-to/) - Youve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.Youve ever been too drunk to fish.
- [There is more oil in](https://oldnewjokes.com/there-is-more-oil-in/) - There is more oil in your cap than in your car.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
- [Redneck quickies 5](https://oldnewjokes.com/redneck-quickies-5/) - You might be a redneck if...Your momma doesnt remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over
- [Un tipo est en su](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-tipo-est-en-su/) - Un tipo estÃ¡ en su cama con su esposa cuando alguien toca a la puerta. El hombre ve su reloj y son las tres de la madrugada. En eso vuelven a tocar, esta vez mÃ¡s fuerte, asÃ­ que el tipo se levanta y baja las escaleras, abre la puerta y ve a un hombre evidentemente
- [Era el ltimo da de](https://oldnewjokes.com/era-el-ltimo-da-de/) - Era el Ãºltimo dÃ­a de trabajo de Juan el Cartero despuÃ©s de 35 aÃ±os de llevar la correspondencia al mismo barrio. Cuando llego a la primer casa de su ruta fue recibido por la familia entera quienes lo rodearon y con aplausos lo felicitaron y le dieron un regalo. En la segunda casa le regalaron
- [Question answer](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-answer-12/) - Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?Webley stadium! When fish play football, who is the captain?The teams kipper! Ref: Im sending you off Player: What for?Ref: The rest of the match!
- [A quote on marriage](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-quote-on-marriage-74/) - A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
- [Doctor and his wife (adult)](https://oldnewjokes.com/doctor-and-his-wife-adult/) - A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. You arent so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. What took you so long to answer? I was
- [Be like father not like sis...](https://oldnewjokes.com/be-like-father-not-like-sis/) - ...raise the seat before you piss.
- [2 Canadian guys](https://oldnewjokes.com/2-canadian-guys-1/) - Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. I have an idea, said Mike. Well throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder. What, do you think Im stupid? I have an idea. Ill shine my
- [Car Accident](https://oldnewjokes.com/car-accident-1/) - A woman and a man get into a car accident, and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So youre a man. Thats interesting. Im a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left,
- [Top 10 Signs Youre Addicted to the net](https://oldnewjokes.com/top-10-signs-youre-addicted-to-the-net/) - You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You get a tattoo that reads This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. You turn off your modem and get this
- [Poker](https://oldnewjokes.com/poker/) - One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and theyre having sex. He asks what theyre doing and the father says were playing poker and the mother says & Im his partner. He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what theyre doing. The grandfather says Were playing poker and
- [Signs You are an Internet Geek](https://oldnewjokes.com/signs-you-are-an-internet-geek/) - Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek... 10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL? 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 7. Youre amazed to
- [Sardarji as a train driver](https://oldnewjokes.com/sardarji-as-a-train-driver/) - One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the driver was caught He was found to be a Sardar. He was questioned. He explained that there was
- [What type of tracks?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-type-of-tracks/) - Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.They were still arguing when the train hit them.
- [3 men into heaven](https://oldnewjokes.com/3-men-into-heaven/) - It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.The next day at 12:01,
- [Stanley, the sperm, was always](https://oldnewjokes.com/stanley-the-sperm-was-always/) - Stanley, the sperm, was always exercising. He wanted to be in top physical condition. One of the other sperm asks, Stanley, why do you always work-out instead of lounging around like the rest of us? Stanley replied, Well, there is only one sperm that impregnates a woman. I am going to be that sperm. A
- [Una maana muy fra de](https://oldnewjokes.com/una-maana-muy-fra-de/) - Una maÃ±ana muy frÃ­a de invierno, el presidente Clinton se levantÃ³ bien pronto y empezÃ³ a correr alrededor de la Casa Blanca mientras todo el mundo estaba todavÃ­a durmiendo. Al pasar por la cerca exterior para dirigirse al cÃ©sped del frente, quedÃ³ sorprendido al ver el mensaje BILL CLINTON ES UN DESVIADO escrito con orina
- [Blood Test](https://oldnewjokes.com/blood-test-2/) - Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly. 2nd Child: Why are you crying? 1st Child: I came here for a blood test. 2nd Child: So? Are you afraid? 1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. At this, the second one started crying profusely. The
- [A quote on marriage](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-quote-on-marriage-78/) - When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
- [Frescos Discovery:  If you](https://oldnewjokes.com/frescos-discovery-if-you/) - Frescos Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, youd probably be bored.
- [Artificial intelligence usually beats real](https://oldnewjokes.com/artificial-intelligence-usually-beats-real/) - Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- [Any argument carried far enough](https://oldnewjokes.com/any-argument-carried-far-enough/) - Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
- [Yuppie pregnant women dont go](https://oldnewjokes.com/yuppie-pregnant-women-dont-go/) - Yuppie pregnant women dont go into labor, they go straight into management.
- [How many Pentium chip designers does it take to change a light bulb?](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-many-pentium-chip-designers-does-it-take-to-change-a-light-bulb/) - 1.99934342, but thats close enough for the average peron.
- [How come wrong numbers are](https://oldnewjokes.com/how-come-wrong-numbers-are/) - How come wrong numbers are never busy?
- [two hunters](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-hunters/) - Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesnâ€™t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: â€˜My friend is dead! What can I do?â€™ The operator says: â€˜Calm down, I can help. First, letâ€™s make
- [Traveling salesman?](https://oldnewjokes.com/traveling-salesman/) - A traveling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone. The farmer tells him, We aint got a phone, but Im headin into town tomorrow an you kin spend the night here. O course youll have to sleep in the
- [Whats 10 long & digital?](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-10-long-digital/) - Q: What does a man with a ten-inch dick have for breakfast? A: Well, this morning I had bacon, eggs, juice...
- [Big Ten Alumni Mountain Climbing Trip](https://oldnewjokes.com/big-ten-alumni-mountain-climbing-trip/) - Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all
- [Winnebago Surfing](https://oldnewjokes.com/winnebago-surfing/) - The wonderfully dangerous sport of WINNEBAGO SURFING was invented by rock climbers in a national park in Western U.S. The surfer lurks in an overhanging tree, rock, output port of tunnel, etc., and hops a ride on the top of a slow-moving motorhome driven by a tourist. He waves at passing motorists, jumps up and
- [Who is Marylou?!?](https://oldnewjokes.com/who-is-marylou/) - A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation.""Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember
- [Yo mama is so fat](https://oldnewjokes.com/yo-mama-is-so-fat-108/) - Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
- [Married vs bachelors](https://oldnewjokes.com/married-vs-bachelors/) - Why do married men gain weight while bachelors dont?Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
- [Llega un rico medio menso](https://oldnewjokes.com/llega-un-rico-medio-menso/) - Llega un rico medio menso y muy prepotente a un hotel. SÃ­game seÃ±or, le dice el botones. El botones abre una puerta y mete el equipaje. Entonces, el rico protesta: Este cuarto estÃ¡ muy pequeÃ±o, Â¡que venga el gerente! Y el botones dice: CÃ¡lmese seÃ±or. Â¡Este es sÃ³lo el elevador!
- [Snow Boarding For the Young](https://oldnewjokes.com/snow-boarding-for-the-young-1/) - When youre 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: Just because youve reached middle age, that doesnt mean you shouldnt take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of
- [D.N.A.](https://oldnewjokes.com/dna-1/) - Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? A: National Dyslexics Association.
- [Dain bramaged.](https://oldnewjokes.com/dain-bramaged-1/) - Dain bramaged.
- [Where theres a will...theres a](https://oldnewjokes.com/where-theres-a-willtheres-a/) - Where theres a will...theres a relative.
- [Ally McBeal](https://oldnewjokes.com/ally-mcbeal-1/) - Q: How do you know that Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) doesnt exist? A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds!
- [10 Ways to Piss off a Witch](https://oldnewjokes.com/10-ways-to-piss-off-a-witch/) - 1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.6.Witness to them about the true religion.7.Untie the knots in their
- [Things Change With Marriage](https://oldnewjokes.com/things-change-with-marriage/) - Before I married my wife, a husband once said, it was nothing but wine, women, and song. Now that Im her husband, its beer, mama, and TV.
- [Observation](https://oldnewjokes.com/observation/) - A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on Observation. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. This, he explained, is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class
- [4 sardars in Mumbai](https://oldnewjokes.com/4-sardars-in-mumbai/) - There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited
- [Surgeon General](https://oldnewjokes.com/surgeon-general/) - From Mark Russels recent special-- Did you know, that just a few years ago, C. Everett Koop was a 3-pack a day man? Thats a lot of condoms!
- [Un hombre en el portal](https://oldnewjokes.com/un-hombre-en-el-portal/) - Un hombre en el portal de su casa se encuentra con la vecina que estÃ¡ mÃ¡s buena que el pan, se meten en el ascensor y se quedan atrancados entre dos pisos. Pasa el tiempo y nadie va a rescatarlos, a ella le agarra un calentÃ³n, se fija en el vecino y piensa que no
- [Llega Pepito muy feliz a](https://oldnewjokes.com/llega-pepito-muy-feliz-a/) - Llega Pepito muy feliz a su casa: Â¡MamÃ¡, papÃ¡! Â¡Me ahorrÃ© cuatro pesos! Â¿Por quÃ©?, le preguntan. Porque me vine corriendo atrÃ¡s del camiÃ³n. En eso, su papÃ¡ interrumpe: Â¡Ay, Pepito, si serÃ¡s idiota! Â¿No ves que estamos verdaderamente pobres? SÃ­, papÃ¡ por eso me ahorre cuatro pesos. Â¡Pues te hubieras ahorrado veinticinco pesos! Â¿Y
- [You might be a Republican if...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-might-be-a-republican-if-26/) - You argue that you need 300 semi-automatic assault rifles, in case a squirrel ever attacks your home.
- [What do you get when you cross LSD and the Pill?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-do-you-get-when-you-cross-lsd-and-the-pill/) - - A trip without the kids.
- [My husbands last wish!](https://oldnewjokes.com/my-husbands-last-wish/) - Mary Clancy goes up to Father OGrady after his Sunday morning service, and shes in tears. He says, So whats bothering you, dear? She says, Oh, Father, Ive got terrible news. My husband passed away last night. The priest says, Oh, Mary, thats terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests? She says,
- [Burnout Prevention and Recovery](https://oldnewjokes.com/burnout-prevention-and-recovery/) - BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY 1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or emotionally. MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into unconsciousness. 2. AVOID ISOLATION. Dont do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends and loved
- [You Know Youre From California When...](https://oldnewjokes.com/you-know-youre-from-california-when/) - You Know Youre From California When... 1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway 2. Your were born somewhere else 3. You know how to eat an artichoke 4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic 5. Your car has bulletproof windows 6. Left is right and right is wrong
- [Patenting A Peach...](https://oldnewjokes.com/patenting-a-peach/) - A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says- you cant patent a peach, the peach has already been patented! And the farmer says, Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it! So the patent officer takes a bite, and then- oh, wow! This is
- [Whats the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?](https://oldnewjokes.com/whats-the-difference-between-a-soprano-and-a-pit-bull/) - Q: Whats the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? A: Jewelry.
- [Suck up some new lingo](https://oldnewjokes.com/suck-up-some-new-lingo/) - Copied from the Houston Chronicle: Language changes to reflect cultural shifts. And in this period of skill shortages, flexible work arrangements and global business deals, new workplace jargon was bound to pop up. So youre not caught off-guard at the next corporate luncheon when someone refers their employee as a job vacuum or border crosser,
- [Banjo jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/banjo-jokes/) - Darrell the banjo pickers canonical list of Banjo Jokes... (Youve been warned) Approved for all audiences o Whats the difference between a banjo and a(n)... (a.) onion No one cries when you cut up a banjo. (b.) Uzi An Uzi only repeats forty times. (c.) chain saw A chain saw has a dynamic range and
- [Computer Interfaces](https://oldnewjokes.com/computer-interfaces/) - User-FRIENDLY C:> DUR Command not found. Try retyping User-HELPFUL C:> DUR I dont understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ? User-UNFRIENDLY C:> DUR C:> DUR C:> DUR C:> DUR User-HOSTILE C:> DUR Ha! A mistake! Im sure you meant to say FORMAT, so thats what Ill do. User-INDIFFERENT C:> DUR DUR? User-PATRONISING C:> DUR Now,
- [Getting a date.](https://oldnewjokes.com/getting-a-date/) - There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer. So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her
- [Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay](https://oldnewjokes.com/worst-analogies-ever-written-in-a-high-school-essay/) - These are the winners of the worst analogies ever written in a high school essay contest: His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
- [Q:  How many Kennedy](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-kennedy/) - Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: 15--One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it
- [30 years on](https://oldnewjokes.com/30-years-on-1/) - A couple gets married, and thirty years later theyre in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.Her husband starts to cry.She says, Whats the matter?He says, Thirty years ago I couldnt wait to eat it. Now it looks like it
- [Blonde Pilots](https://oldnewjokes.com/blonde-pilots/) - A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and
- [Bumper Sticker #114](https://oldnewjokes.com/bumper-sticker-114/) - We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
- [Youre so ugly](https://oldnewjokes.com/youre-so-ugly-10/) - Your teeth are so yellow, drivers slow down when they see you.
- [The real reason Abraham Lincoln](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-real-reason-abraham-lincoln-1/)
- [On the other hand, you](https://oldnewjokes.com/on-the-other-hand-you/) - On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- [Why Mothers Cry](https://oldnewjokes.com/why-mothers-cry/) - If its true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings!
- [Tricky, Tricky](https://oldnewjokes.com/tricky-tricky/) - If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce, can they still be brother and sister?
- [Man sais that Clinton is a horses ass](https://oldnewjokes.com/man-sais-that-clinton-is-a-horses-ass/) - A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Bill Clinton comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, Clinton is a horses ass. Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his barstool, then stomps out. He gets back
- [Twas the night before Christmas - Yulesville](https://oldnewjokes.com/twas-the-night-before-christmas-yulesville/) - Okay, Im a hypocrite. (Hippycrite?) Sue me. I used to like Christmas back then. Besides, it took me ages to find this, so you are getting it whether you want it or not. From the Bench Racer 1962, stolen from the Foothills Street Rod Association at fsra.org YULESVILLE Twas the night before Christmas and all
- [Convention woes](https://oldnewjokes.com/convention-woes/) - While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive walked from
- [The cat and the saucer](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-cat-and-the-saucer/) - A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the
- [Vandal Scandal](https://oldnewjokes.com/vandal-scandal/) - Somebody recent vandalised the local nudist camp. They put a hole in the wall, and the police are currently looking into it.
- [International Incident?](https://oldnewjokes.com/international-incident/) - This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course
- [Q:  How many Microsoft](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-how-many-microsoft-3/) - Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
- [Morticians](https://oldnewjokes.com/morticians/) - Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.The second smiled, Thats nothing he said. I had this couple that hit
- [Le pregunta un argentino a](https://oldnewjokes.com/le-pregunta-un-argentino-a/) - Le pregunta un argentino a un extranjero que visita su paÃ­s: Che, Â¿sabÃ©s cual es el paÃ­s mÃ¡s cercano al cielo? Argentina me supongo..., respode el otro, enfadado. No che, no... es Uruguay, que estÃ¡ al lado de Argentina.
- [Representantes de Kentucky Fried Chicken](https://oldnewjokes.com/representantes-de-kentucky-fried-chicken/) - Representantes de Kentucky Fried Chicken se reÃºnen para negociar con el Papa; le proponen pagarle $1000,000 por cambiarle al padrenuestro una simple palabra: en lugar de decir el pan nuestro de cada dÃ­a, decir el pollo nuestro de cada dÃ­a. Pero el Sumo PontÃ­fice no accede. Yo no puedo cambiar las palabras del padrenuestro. Es
- [Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers](https://oldnewjokes.com/actual-misphrased-excerpts-from-student-science-exam-papers-1/) - Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.For fainting: rub the persons chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has
- [A coup that is known](https://oldnewjokes.com/a-coup-that-is-known/) - A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
- [Who gave you those black eyes?](https://oldnewjokes.com/who-gave-you-those-black-eyes/) - A regular at Bobs Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.Whoa, Sam! said the bartender. Who gave those beauties to you?Nobody gave them to me, said Sam. I had to fight like crazy for both of them.
- [All men are Idiots, and](https://oldnewjokes.com/all-men-are-idiots-and/) - All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
- [The best blanket is one](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-best-blanket-is-one/) - The best blanket is one with two legs.
- [Q: Why do blondes take the pill?](https://oldnewjokes.com/q-why-do-blondes-take-the-pill/) - A: So they know what day of the week it is.
- [Fast driving fraternity brothers stopped by police](https://oldnewjokes.com/fast-driving-fraternity-brothers-stopped-by-police/) - Two fraternity brothers headed towards Philadelphia. They were zipping along the highway at some eighty or ninety miles an hour, when a policeman appeared from nowhere and forced them over to the side of the road. Whats the matter, officer? they asked. Were we driving too fast? No, he answered sarcastically. You were flying too
- [The tech support problem dates](https://oldnewjokes.com/the-tech-support-problem-dates/) - The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate: This fire help. Me Groog Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work. You have flint and stone? Ugh You hit them together? Ugh What happen? Fire not work (sigh) Make spark? No spark,
- [Two Corpuscles](https://oldnewjokes.com/two-corpuscles/) - Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet? They loved in vein!
- [Homers Favorite Ice Cream](https://oldnewjokes.com/homers-favorite-ice-cream/) - What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream? Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!
- [Pam and Lady Di](https://oldnewjokes.com/pam-and-lady-di/) - Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if theyll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, theres only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.St. Peter asks Pamela if theres some particular reason why she should go
- [Perfect wedding night](https://oldnewjokes.com/perfect-wedding-night/) - A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. Father, he said, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. His
- [Angry at the Heavens](https://oldnewjokes.com/angry-at-the-heavens/) - A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up
- [Fast Golfer](https://oldnewjokes.com/fast-golfer/) - A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee
- [Careful what you say if shes pregnant!](https://oldnewjokes.com/careful-what-you-say-if-shes-pregnant-1/) - ***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant*** 17. I finished the Oreos. 16. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds. 15. Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!! 14. I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby
- [Knock Knock Whos there? Mort! Mort who? Mort to](https://oldnewjokes.com/knock-knockwhos-theremortmort-whomort-to/) - Knock KnockWhos there?Mort!Mort who?Mort to the point, who are you!
- [Andreas Admonition:  Never bestow](https://oldnewjokes.com/andreas-admonition-never-bestow/) - Andreas Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he cant hear you, it isnt and he can.
- [Question and answer blonde joke](https://oldnewjokes.com/question-and-answer-blonde-joke-16/) - Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
- [What do you call a girl with no arms and legs lying in a frying pan?](https://oldnewjokes.com/what-do-you-call-a-girl-with-no-arms-and-legs-lying-in-a-frying-pan/) - Pam
- [More Word Definitions](https://oldnewjokes.com/more-word-definitions/) - The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were askedto supply alternate meanings for various words.The following were some of the winning entries:1.Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.2.Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.3.Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4.Esplanade (v.),

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- [Genie](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/genie/)
- [Golf](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/golf/)
- [Idiots](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/idiots/)
- [Indian](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/indian/)
- [Insults](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/insults/)
- [In the news](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/in-the-news/)
- [Jewish](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/jewish/)
- [Knock-knock](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/knock-knock/)
- [Lawyer](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/lawyer/)
- [Lightbulb](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/lightbulb/)
- [Little Johnny/Jane](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/little-johnnyjane/)
- [Love and marriage](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/love-and-marriage/)
- [Math](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/math/)
- [Medical](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/medical/)
- [Military](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/military/)
- [Music](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/music/)
- [Naughty](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/naughty/)
- [Office](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/office/)
- [Old Age](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/old-age/)
- [One Liners](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/one-liners/)
- [Police](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/police/)
- [Political](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/political/)
- [Pun Fun](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/pun-fun/)
- [Redneck](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/redneck/)
- [Religious](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/religious/)
- [Riddles](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/riddles/)
- [School](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/school/)
- [Science](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/science/)
- [Seasonal / Holiday](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/seasonal-holiday/)
- [Sports](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/sports/)
- [Stupid](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/stupid/)
- [Tasteless](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/tasteless/)
- [Terms and definitions](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/terms-and-definitions/)
- [Thoughts](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/thoughts/)
- [Top Lists](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/top-lists/)
- [Travel](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/travel/)
- [True Stories](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/true-stories/)
- [Work](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/work/)
- [Yo Mama](https://oldnewjokes.com/category/jokes/yo-mama/)

## Tags

- [blind](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/blind/)
- [skydive](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/skydive/)
- [engineer](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/engineer/)
- [programer](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/programer/)
- [moon](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/moon/)
- [idiot](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/idiot/)
- [hours](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/hours/)
- [book](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/book/)
- [pooh](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/pooh/)
- [toilet](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/toilet/)
- [head](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/head/)
- [question](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/question/)
- [answer](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/answer/)
- [animal](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/animal/)
- [jack](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/jack/)
- [ripper](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/ripper/)
- [rape](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/rape/)
- [hook](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/hook/)
- [father](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/father/)
- [purple mushroom](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/purple-mushroom/)
- [Dear Dad](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/dear-dad/)
- [Jokes](https://oldnewjokes.com/tag/jokes/)