Old and New Jokes

En una pareja de recién casados, la mujer estaba triste y melancólica porque no habían tenido relaciones sexuales, ya que él no sabía como hacerlo. Por lo que deciden consultar a un sexólogo para comentarle su caso.

El médico, muy amable y con deseos de solucionar el caso, le hace el amor a la muchacha, que por cierto estaba muy buena, de una manera formidable. La muchacha se puso irreconocible: silbe y silbe, cante y cante.

El galeno, acomodándose la ropa, se vuelve hacia el muchacho, quien estaba mirando todo el espectáculo, y le explica:

Esto es lo que su mujer necesita, cuando menos, tres veces a la semana.

Bueno, doctor, ¿y se la traigo lunes, miércoles y viernes, o martes, jueves y sábado?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

The gentleman replied, Oh, I havent told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. Ive changed my will three times already.

Why does Sadamm Husseins wife have no pubic hair?



Because when he is in bed he doesnt want to see Bush.

Why doesnt Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?

A: Because he had a hor-monica.

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, How do you get to the other side?

You are on the other side, the other blonde yells back

See if you can do this …

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word, in each line, from the start.

Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects arent the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what???

I go right into labor. My OB doc said: Make the trip.

Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But its been a madhouse ever since!

First, we couldnt agree on a name. Joe likes Emmanuel – Im holding out for Jesus. In the middle of the argument all the animals in the stable start talking and taking sides!

Next, all these shepherds stopped by to gawk (as if the smell wasnt bad enough). And, since this is Josephs hometown, the whole mishpuka seemed to drop in.

You wouldnt believe his weird cousin John! All the time he babbles about logos and kerygma and a whole bunch of stuff thats just plain Greek to me.

Then theres a Stella, (or is it Quelle?) who keeps asking me to write down everything the kid says, word for word – like hes talking already.

I tell you, it felt like there were 5,000 relatives around and me with only a few cloves and knishes to feed them.

We also seem to be attracting religious pilgrims. Ever try to fend off one of them Druids for Istar when youre busy doing laundry? At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts.

We cant get a good nights sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling. And then it seemed every time I went to feed the boy a half-dozen Renaissance painters would show up wanting to sketch the procedure.

I finally sent Joe out for bottles and formula.

When it came time for the Briss there was such a Hoo-Haw I couldnt believe it! Picketers! There were Picketers with signs saying, Dont mutilate Hebrew men! And some were chanting, Circumcise your hearts! Yeech.

Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess were off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations! Maybe well spend a spell in India instead.

All my love, Mary

Youre in a room with no doors and no windows, and all you have is a baseball bat. How do you get out?

Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3!

Youre out!

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naw
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be
Achy-Breaky Heart
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now!
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in
your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Redman plugnplay interface.
They could still use Kay-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny
would be the one after that.
Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program
manager.
Instructions for use would include mash the control key.