19
Oct

Taking A Piss

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream.

Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to a place where they can cross and proceed.

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, Ive always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate in a stream.

The other woman looks around and says, well, I dont see anyone around, nows your chance!

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and squats.

As she begins to urinate, she looks down. Holly shit! she exclaims, I just pissed on a man in a canoe!

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. Calm down, she says. That wasnt a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection.

19
Oct

Drive Em Wild

Q. Whats six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A. Money

19
Oct

Three nuns die and go

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St.
Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to
return to earth as anyone they want.

The first nun thinks it over and says
Id like to return as Sophia Loren.

St. Peter says Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.

The second nun thinks and says Id like to be Gina Lollabrigida.

St. Peter says No problem, you can return as Gina Lollabrigida.

The third nun says I think Id like to be Virginia Pipeline.

St. Peter says, Hmmm, I dont think I know of anyone named Virginia
Pipeline.

At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning
paper: Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men

19
Oct

Medicine Cabinet

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.

19
Oct

I want my bedroom painted

I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink.

19
Oct

Star Trek Christmas songs

I got these from a friend of mine, who got them from a BBS in
New Orleans. I have changed Wesleys so that the chorus goes
teenaged boy instead of only a boy; I think it sings a
little easier this way.

From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let it Snow)

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go–
make it so, make it so, make it so.

From William Riker (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Heres a vexing Christmas riddle
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
How can I impress Deanna
(fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When Im number two banana?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

From Wesley Crusher (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

Im at Starfleet Academy and Id just like to say
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day–
To make things worse I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes Im bright, though Im just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy.

From Data

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh–

or so I am reliably informed,
lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived
referent for the term fun, I am able only
to report the phenomenon as experienced by others,
whose individual perceptions somewhat color the–
yes, sir.

19
Oct

More Lampoong of the Southern GOP agenda

New Republican GOP agenda – the Top Ten House Republican initiatives:

Eliminate the Department of Health and Human Services, all Occupational Safety and Health laws and regulations, and Luxury Taxes, and use the savings to eliminate the corporate income tax.
Restore the House on Un-American Activities Committee (Robert Dornan to be Chairman) and eliminate the Ethics Committee.
Provide tax credits for home schooling.
Repeal all gun control laws and provide tax incentives for private militia.
Eliminate all Federal election funding and regulations, and repeal the voting rights act.
Right to Work Act: Repeal anti-competition laws and outlaw labor monopoly groups.
Pass a anti-flag burning constitutional amendment to protect patriotic emblems such as Old Glory, the Stars-and-Bars, Star-Spangled Banner, Dixie, and maybe the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Provide tax credit for mothers to stay at home with children and double tax credits for children over 21 who live with their mamma and daddy.
Eliminate the Department of Education, the National Endowment of the Arts, and the Environmental Protection Agency. Use the savings to increase the number of military bases key districts, and cut federal incomes taxes, too.
Eliminate current child labor laws. Provide tax incentives for temporary job industry for welfare children. Children who cannot be supported by working parents must be taught early the necessity of hard work for getting ahead in life.

This message has been provided to you courtesy of Sim Webster of Georgia, where biscuits and Republicans are white n flaky.

19
Oct

Blonde tries to repair her car

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasnt there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

What are you doing! she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

Im blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car explained the first blonde.

Well silly, its not going to work replied her neighbor.

Why not? asked the first blonde.

Because youve got to roll up the windows first

19
Oct

New rules for dieting!

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of ones personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone elses plate, it doesnt count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

19
Oct

The Sardarji Doctor

The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: Its very important that you
take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain.

Page 1 of 3,79812345...102030...Last »