16
Jul

How come wrong numbers are

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

16
Jul

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

16
Jul

Nail in experiment

DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail, he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?

— Contributed to Tales Out of School by Carolyn Stickney © 1996 The Readers Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

16
Jul

Q: How many Capricorns

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Why should I bother? Its probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

16
Jul

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but dont really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldnt mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didnt have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who arent too sure whos running the country, and dont really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who dont care whos running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who arent sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

16
Jul

Did you hear about the

Did you hear about the new Miss Ebonics pageant?

– It seems they only had 49 states. No one wanted to be Miss Idaho.

16
Jul

A man went into a

A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a
robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head — and realized that
hed forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

16
Jul

Reality is an illusion that

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

16
Jul

The pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

I sure did, responded his friend. He cant swim.

16
Jul

Horny sailor (adult)

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

Don ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of.

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory.

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel.

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