20
May

Chem one-liners 02

Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but hell change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the following words: 1) mole 2) unionized. As he so eloquently put it, If he starts talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking.

Make it myself? But Im a physical organic chemist!

Definition: (Fe)male: Male with iron added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetisim.

Acid is base.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: Theyre cheaper than day rates.

Scale keeps forming inside the kettle, complained Tom, recalcitrantly.

20
May

80-Pounder

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!

20
May

El que re al ltimo,

El que ríe al último, piensa más lento.

Todo el mundo tiene memoria fotográfica. Algunos no tienen rollo.

Un día sin luz solar es como… bueno, la noche.

El cambio es inevitable, siempre que no estemos hablando de una máquina de refrescos.

Me perdí en mis pensamientos. Era territorio desconocido para mí.

Lo he visto todo, lo he hecho todo, no puedo recordar casi nada.

Aquellos que viven por la espada son disparados por los que no.

Me siento diagonalmente parqueado en un universo paralelo.

Él no está muerto: está electroencefalográficamente retrasado.

Me pregunto qué tan profundo sería el océano sin esponjas.

Toca la bocina si amas la paz y tranquilidad.

A pesar del costo de la vida, ¿has notado como permanece tan popular?

Nada es a prueba de tontos para un tonto suficientemente talentoso.

Es difícil entender como un cementerio sube los precios por enterrar y culpa al costo de la vida.

La regla 50-50-90: Todo el mundo que tiene un 50 por ciento de probabilidades de conseguir algo tiene un 90 por ciento de no conseguirlo.

Se dice que si alineas todos los carros en el mundo, uno detrás de otro, siempre aparecerá alguien suficientemente estúpido para tratar de rebasar.

No puedes tenerlo todo. ¿Dónde lo pondrías?

La última encuesta muestra que 3 de cada 4 personas compone el 75% de la población mundial.

Las cosas que llegan a aquellos que esperan deben ser las que dejaron aquellos que llegaron primero.

Una multa es un impuesto por hacer lo incorrecto. Un impuesto es una multa por hacer lo correcto.

Se descubrió recientemente que los investigadores causan cáncer en las ratas.

Todo el mundo miente, pero no importa, ya que nadie escucha.

Yo comencé con nada y todavía me queda la mayoría.

La luz viaja más rápido que el sonido. Por esta razón algunas personas aparentan ser brillantes hasta que las oyes hablar.

20
May

Va un novio a ver

Va un novio a ver a su novia, ella estaba en la terraza y él le grita:

¿Podemos hacer el amor?

Ella le dice: No puedo porque tengo el período, pero ¿por qué no subes para tomarte un traguito?

Y el novio le dice:

¡Ni que fuera vampiro!

20
May

Llega una chava a un

Llega una chava a un Bar y se encuentra a un tipo bastante atractivo en la barra, se le acerca y le pregunta que está tomando. Cerveza Magica, le contesta.

Ella cree que el está loco y se va a dar una vuelta en el Bar, pero despues de ver que no hay nada mejor, decide regresar a platicar con él.

¿Esa no es realmente Cerveza Magica o si?

Si, te enseñaré.

Entonces le da un trago a la cerveza, brinca por la ventana y volando le da tres vueltas al edificio y regresa por la ventana.

La chava no puede creerlo y le dice: Apuesto que no lo puedes repetir.

Entonces él da otro trago, de nuevo salta por la ventana y da tres vueltas alrededor del edificio y vuelve a regresar. Ella esta tan sorprendida que le dice que quiere probar esa Cerveza Magica, y el joven le pide al cantinero:

Dale un trago de lo que estoy tomando.

Entonces ella da un trago a su cerveza, salta por la ventana y se desploma los 30 pisos del edificio… Entonces el cantinero voltea hacia el tipo y le dice:

¡No mames, pinche Superman… Eres bien gacho cuando tomas!

20
May

Drunk Cheerleader

Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming, he recalled.



Thats terrible, said Williams. Howd you ever get any sleep?



At five oclock I finally unlocked the door and let her out, replied Irvin.

20
May

Milk Truck

Q: What gives milk and has one horn?



A: A milk truck!

20
May

Baby Luv

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE



One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.

Andrew, age 6



No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell … Thats why perfume and deodorant are so popular.

Mae, age 9



I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.

Manuel, age 8



ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE



Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

John, age 9



If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont want to do it. It takes too long.

Glenn, age 7



ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE



If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.

Anita C., age 8



It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.

Brian, age 7



Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.

Christine, age 9



REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE



Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.

Greg, age 8



HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?



Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs dont wag their tails nearly as much.

Arnold, age 10



All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark.

Sherm, age 8



CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS



They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid good money for them.

Gavin, age 8



They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.

John, age 9



CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE



Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when Dinosaurs is on television.

Jill, age 6



Love is foolish … but I still might try it sometime.

Floyd, age 9



Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.

Dave, age 8



Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade hard enough.

Regina, age 10



THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER



Sensitivity dont hurt.

Robbie, age 8



One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.

Ava, age 8



SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU



Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.

Del, age 6



Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and dont worry if their parents are right there.

Manuel, age 8



Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.

Alonzo, age 9



One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.

Bart, age 9



HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?



Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if hes in love.

Bobby, age 9



Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold … Other people care more about the food.

Bart, age 9



Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.

Sarah, age 9



See if the man has lipstick on his face.

Sandra, age 7



Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because its just like how their hearts are… on fire.

Christine, age 9



TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED



How Do I Love Thee When Youre Always Picking Your Nose?

Arnold, age 10



You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.

Larry, age 8



I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!

Eddie, age 6



I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Dont Bother Me When Im with My Friends.

Bob, age 9



Hey, Baby, I Dont like Girls but Im Willing to Forget You Are One!

Will, age 7



WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY I LOVE YOU





The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.

Michelle, age 9



Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.

Dick, age 7



HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?



I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didnt always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.

Gina, age 8



HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS



You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.

Julia, age 7



You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.

Brian, age 7



It might help to watch soap operas all day.

Carin, age 9



WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?



When theyre rich.

Pam, age 7



Its never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you … Thats why I stopped doing it.

Tammy, age 10



If its your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if its a new person, you have to ask permission.

Roger, age 6



HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE



Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.

Dick, age 7



Dont forget your wifes name … That will mess up the love.

Erin, age 8



Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.

Dave, age 8



Dont say you love somebody and then change your mind … Love isnt like picking what movie you want to watch.

Natalie, age 8


20
May

Lover Quarrels

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.

Oh yeah, said Eddie. And how did this one end?

When it was over, Harvey replied. She came crawling to me on her hands and knees.

Really? Now thats a switch! What did she say?

She said, Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!

20
May

Untitled joke

How many US Vice-Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.