There are no honest lawyers

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer.

Sorry, but I cant do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put here lies an honest lawyer.

But that wont let people know who it is! protested the lawyer.

Sure it will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, Thats impossible!


The Los Angeles

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OKd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.


God Helps Me Pee

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly check up. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.

Its fine, says the old man. I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me.

The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.

Oh, my God! says the daughter.

Hes been using the fridge again!


Sticking It Out

The little boy was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc.).

After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school.

After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse.

He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.

She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him.

The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made.

After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.

She said Johnny, what are you doing? You cant walk around like that.

He replied, Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunch time she would come pick me up then.


Ever Growing Penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patients wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

How long will he be on crutches? she asked.

Crutches??? the doctor asked.

Well, yes, the woman said You are going to lengthen his legs, arent you?


Una seora mayor va caminando

Una señora mayor va caminando por la calle. En eso pasa un joven ladrón, le apunta con un arma y le arrebata el bolso. Al buscar dentro del bolso, el ladrón encuentra muy poco dinero. Entonces le dice a la mujer:

No es posible que tenga usted tan poco dinero. Seguramente debe tener más escondido.

Antes que la mujer pueda protestar, comienza a revisarla; por la cintura, el busto, debajo del vestido, por todos lados. Luego de un rato de buscar se da por vencido y pregunta a la mujer: ¿En serio no tiene más dinero?

En serio, no tengo más, contesta la señora, pero siga buscando que yo le mandaré un cheque.


Delicious Chewing Gum

A Frenchmen is calmly having his breakfast when an American (noisily chewing gum) sits beside him.

The Frenchman ignores the American who (not happy about this) starts a conversation.

American: Do you eat the whole bread?

French (in a bad mood): Of course!

American: We dont. We only eat what is inside and the outside we put together in a container, recycle it, transform it into croissants and sell it to France.

The French listens in silence.

The American insists: Do you eat the bread with jam?

French (now more annoyed): Of course!

American: We dont. We eat fresh fruit for our breakfast, put all the seed and the rest in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France.

The Frenchman then asks: And what do you do with condoms once you used them?

American: We throw them away, of course!

French: We dont. We put them in a container, recycle them, transform them into chewing gum and sell it to America.


A man is struck by

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the
crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a
little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic.
But for fifty years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe
I can be of some comfort to this man.

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under
the O, 72. . .


Four lawyers in a law

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week, but then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city and it wasnt quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week? The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say yes, but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, Good, then Ill be there either at 6:30 or 6:45. She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said Sure, Ill be here at 6:30 or 6:45. The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldnt figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didnt seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the gu


Spanish Fly vs Jewish Fly

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. Jack, heres a twenty-dollar bill, whispered the man, leaning over the bar, slip her some Spanish fly.

I dont have any Spanish fly, said the bartender, but a customer gave me some Jewish fly.

Jewish fly! exclaimed the man, what does THAT do?

I dont know, answered the bartender. Why dont we try it and find out?

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.

You attract me, she purred. Id like to do something with you tonight.

Honey, Ill do anything you want, gasped the man.

Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdales!

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