When it rains, why dont sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If youre cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, Ive lost my dad!
The policeman said, Whats he like?
Little Johnny replied, Beer and women!
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None–New Haven looks better in the dark!
Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, youll know it really does.
What not to say to your wife.
Smile for me, its the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Una pareja se casa y al llegar al lecho de amor, el marido pesca a la mujer y comienza a darle. La primera noche le hizo el amor treinta y cuatro veces; la segunda otras treinta y cuatro y asà diariamente hasta que terminó el primer mes de casados. La mujer, afligida, le cuenta el problema a su madre:
¡Mamá, Fernando me lo hace a cada rato, donde me pilla practica el coito: en la cocina, en el baño, en el auto!
La madre, luego de escuchar a la hija, recomienda:
Hija, esta noche, cuando Fernando llegue del trabajo, dile que te ha llegado tu periodo y que no podrá hacerte el amor. Eso te dará un descanso de una semana por lo menos.
Siguiendo el consejo, la mujer espera al marido en la noche, quién llegó concupiscente.
¡Fernando, detente, esta vez no podremos hacer nada: estoy en mi periodo!
El tipo se viste y se va al living. Cuando regresa, llega con una botella de champagne y unas copas. La mujer, extrañada, le pregunta que qué celebran. Con una sonrisa de oreja a oreja, el marido contesta:
La semana del culo.
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were
a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, I dont want to sound like Im a sore loser, but
I think those two other girls were using their arms.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, Where were you the night of August 24th?
Objection! said the defense attorney. Irrelevant!
Oh, thats okay, said the blonde from the witness stand. I dont mind answering the question.
I object! the defense said again.
No, really, said the blonde. Ill answer.
The judge ruled: If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.
So the prosecutor repeated the question: Where were you the night of August 24th?
The blonde replied brightly, I dont know.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
Theres no easy way to say this, so Ill just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the womans lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:
Will I be acquitted?