18
Jan

Classes For Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To

20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes Youve Worn Before

18
Jan

Three lawyers and

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three

engineers buy only a single ticket.

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked one of

the

three lawyers.

Watch and youll see, answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all

three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around

collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was

quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy

the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the

station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,

the engineers dont buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket, asks one perplexed lawyer.

Watch and youll see, says one of the engineers.When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the

three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over

to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says,

Ticket, please.

18
Jan

Best Iraqi Job

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador

18
Jan

If at first you dont

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The pen is mightier than the sword — if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Call me insane one more time and Ill eat your other eye!

I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

18
Jan

Why did the piece of gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot!

18
Jan

Things are getting so bad

Things are getting so bad that 60 minutes is investigating 20/20.

18
Jan

National Multiple Sclerosis Society vs. MicroSoft

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan MS, its not a software company … exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause.

Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesnt relish the association of ideas but is painfully aware that it cant afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.

Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling the two MSs apart One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.

The other is a disease.

[Thanks to DZ]

18
Jan

A Walk on the Wild Side

Our secretary heard this during a talent show at a retirement village.

A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this
very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady,
and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great.

They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other
so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to
get married.

On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her
hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to
sleep.

On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and
squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.

On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, Not
tonight, honey, I have a headache.

18
Jan

Meet the Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright lets go up there, apologize, and see how much thats going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, Are you the people that broke the window?

Uh yeah. Sorry about that, the husband replied. No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes – Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself.

OK great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. No problem – its the least I could do.

And you, what do you want? the genie said, looking at the wife. I want a house in every country of the world, she said. Consider it done. the genie replied.

And whats your wish genie?, the husband said.

Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havnt had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said, Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care.

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, How old is your husband, anyway?

35. she replied. And he still believes in genies??? Thats amazing!

18
Jan

Blonde joke

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.

They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be poo head destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the not head one at a time.

First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 1-2-3 but before they could shoot she yelled TORNADO and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.

Then the redneck stepped up and they aimed and yelled 1-2-3.. but before they could shoot she screeched FLOOD and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her.

They didnt like people yelling fake incidents. Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled 1-2-3 and the blonde yelled FIRE!

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