27
Aug

Knock Knock Whos there? Irene! Irene who? Irene and

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Irene!
Irene who?
Irene and Irene but still no one answers the door!

27
Aug

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said Taxi!

27
Aug

Computer lingo guide

Prompt – What you wish the mail was during the snow season

27
Aug

Teachers Pet

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, I bet I know what it is — its some flowers!

Thats right!, shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, I bet I know what it is — its a box of candy!

Thats right! shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

Is it wine?, she asked.

No, the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

Is it champagne?, she asked.

No, the boy answered.

What is it?

A puppy!

27
Aug

Muere James Bond y llega

Muere James Bond y llega al Cielo con San Pedro:

¿Cuál es tu nombre, hijo?

Soy Bond, James Bond.

Sí, a huevo, eso dicen todos los que llegan, pero aquí lo tienes que demostrar.

¿Qué desea que haga?

Mira, déjame aquí en la puerta una identificación y pásale a buscar a Adán; si lo traes, quiere decir que en realidad eres James Bond.

Pasan unos minutos y éste llega con Adán de la mano.

Bueno, aquí tiene a Adán.

¿Cómo lo encontraste entre tantos?, le pregunta San Pedro sorprendido.

Muy fácil, sólo busqué al único hombre que no tiene ombligo, le responde con su típica flema inglesa.

Tienes razón, fue muy sencillo, por lo cual no cuenta.

Entonces, San Pedro pone un parche a todo mundo en el ombligo y le dice a Bond que no se los puede quitar para identificarlos; regresa a Adán al Cielo y lo mezcla entre la gente. Entonces manda a Bond a buscarlo.

A los pocos minutos llega Bond con Adán:

Aquí está de nuevo.

¡Puta, hijo! ¿Cómo le hiciste?

Fue muy sencillo, busqué a quien le faltaba una costilla y ese solamente es Adán.

Tienes razón, fue muy sencillo… es más, no cuenta.

Entonces, San Pedro convierte en momias a todos los habitantes del Cielo, incluyendo a Adán, y los mete en un cuarto en el que únicamente se podían ver siluetas por la falta de luz.

Entra Bond a buscarlo; se cierra la puerta del cuarto y se comienza a escuchar un gran alboroto.

Sale James Bond ensangrentado y golpeado en todo el cuerpo, pero con Adán a un lado.

Aquí está Adán de nuevo, ¿ahora sí puedo pasar?

¡Claro, hijo, el Cielo es tuyo! Nada más dime: ¿cómo le hiciste para encontrarlo?

Muy fácil, entré al cuarto y le dije a el todo mundo: ¡Vayan y chinguen a su madre! El único que no brincó a golpearme fue él.

27
Aug

You Know Your Ugly When . . .

You know your ugly when . . .

Your dog humps your leg with its eyes closed.

27
Aug

Bernadette urn-a-det:

Bernadette urn-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize ur-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

27
Aug

If Milli Vanilli fall in

If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods, does someone else make a sound?

27
Aug

Girlfriend Version 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that its a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure
or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to
be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. Hes finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance
seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features wed like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.

A Dont remind me again button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the
option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system
resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow
the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You
must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing
bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the
uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesnt work very well leaving
undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup
little annoying messages (nag screens) about the advantages of upgrading to
Wife 1.0

Bug Warning

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
install, claiming insufficient resources.

27
Aug

There was a man who

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article – HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and screwdrivers.Sincerely,I. Getscrewed Everyear

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