Old Jokes | New Jokes

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Verá señor juez:

Tuve la desgracia de casarme con una viuda. De haberlo sabido no me hubiese casado, porque ella tenía una hija.

Mi padre era viudo y para mayor desgracia se enamoró de la hija de mi mujer, de manera que mi esposa era suegra de mi padre, y al mismo tiempo él era mi yerno.

Al poco tiempo mi padre trajo al mundo un varón que era mi hermano, pero era nieto de mi mujer, de manera que yo era abuelo de mi hermano.

Al correr el tiempo mi mujer trajo al mundo un varón, y como era hermano de mi madre era cuñado de mi padre y tío de su hijo, mi mujer era suegra de su propia hija, yo en cambio, soy padre de mi madre, mi padre y su mujer son mis hijos y además yo soy mi propio abuelo.

Ya ve señor juez, me despido del mundo por que no sé quien soy.

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. Please dear, I need help. she said.

The husband ran off saying Ill go get some help. A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.



His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, Im may be dying and youre putting?



Dont worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help.



The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???



Hey! I told ya not to worry. he said, practice stroking his putt. Everyones already agreed to let him play through.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddys products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.

2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support wont help.

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceded them.

5. At first release theyre relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.

9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.

10. For at least the next year, theyll suck.

If Mama Cass had given Karen Carpenter half of
that ham sandwich they would both be alive today.

Yo mama so fat her belly button looks like a second pussy.

A robber broke in on a young woman and her elderly mother.

Im going to tie you up while I fill my bag with swag, he said, and then before I leave Im going to have my way with both of you.

Oh, please, sir, cried the young woman, take anything you want, and do what you will with me, but PLEASE spare my dear old mother.

Now, dear, said the mother, dont try to teach the man his trade.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: Whats 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: Whats the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, Im already working on a murder case!"