12
Dec

The best advice for teenagers

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonnas baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

12
Dec

Clinton one-liner

The money clip of the 90s will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.

12
Dec

Clinton one-liner

One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesnt have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.

12
Dec

Dos gaanes del barrio bravo

Dos gañanes del barrio bravo de Tepito, en la Ciudad de México, se encuentran en la calle:

Chale mi Mai ¿por qué vienes todo madreado?

Ni te cuento, pinche Portugal, fíjate que ayer, como todas las mañanas, pos me salí a ver a quien me chingaba saliendo del cajero ¿no? En eso que veo un güerito que se notaba que acababa de sacar una feria en efe, y que le tiro una de mis famosas patadas voladoras y que la esquiva, y que le tiro un madrazo al cuello y que se agacha el muy méndigo.

Chale Portugal, ¿pos qué era karateka el güey?

¡Órale, pos yo creo que sí!

¿Pero y pos por qué estás todo madreado?

Pérate carnal, luego de esquivar mis golpes, que me agarra del brazo el muy jijo, y que me hace manita de puerco y que me pone una madriza de miedo; yo ni las manitas podía poner…

Boinas carnal ¿y luego?

Pos que me patea la cara, el cuerpo, ¡Todo! Y me puso como me ves maestro, y pa’ acabarla de chingar, ¡¡¡que me mete el pito en la boca!!!

Cámara Portugal ¡Ahí te lo hubieras chingado! ¡Se lo hubieras mordido, güey!

Chale Mai, no podía ¿sabes por qué?

¿Por qué carnal?

¡Pos porque era el mío!

12
Dec

La esposa se ausenta del

La esposa se ausenta del hogar por algunos días porque debe ir a otra ciudad a cuidar a su madre enferma y deja a la empleada María Soledad al cuidado de la casa. Al retornar, pregunta a su hijo qué tal lo habían pasado, y éste dice:

El miércoles hubo una horrible tempestad con truenos, rayos y relámpagos, y a mí me dio tanto miedo que María Soledad vino y durmió con yo.

Conmigo, corrige el padre.

¡No, eso fue el jueves!

12
Dec

How do you know if a lawyer

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is lieing



A: If his mouth moves.

12
Dec

The bear

A man goes hunting on day and sees a big bear ..so he thinks to himself that would look great in my game room…so he picks up his little rifle///takes aim…and fires….loud bang,big cloud of smoke….i got him the hunter says..he runs over to get his prize…look down and no bear…just then he feels a tap on his sholder..he turns around and the bear says to him…suck my dick or die so the hunter does his thing to the bear and goes home pissed off….

the next day the hunter returns for pay back with an even bigger gun… ill get him this time he says….he spots the bear takes aim…fires…loud bang…big cloud of smoke…he runs over to where the bear is…nothing…the hunter feels a tap on his sholder turns around and the bear says suck my dick or die hunter does it and goes home really pissed now…

next day hunter brings a fucking rocket launcher…sees the bear and boom!!!! the hunter runs over to where is and still nothing…he feels another tap on his sholder and the bear says…..your not here for the hunting are you

12
Dec

The hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ¡§My friend is dead! What can I do?¡¨ The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ¡§Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure hes dead.¡¨ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says: ok, now what?

12
Dec

Remember the golden rule: Those

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

12
Dec

A Polish man finds a

A Polish man finds a jeannie lamp on the beach, he rubs it and the jeannie
comes out and says: I grant you one wish.

He said to the jeannie, I want you to build me a bridge to Poland.

The jeannie said: No one can build a bridge that long,
you have to pick another wish.

He thinks for a minute and said: I want you to make all my family and friends in
Poland smart so people dont put them down.

The jeannie replies, How many lanes did you want on that bridge?