04
Dec

If you try to fail,

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And whats with this handbasket?

04
Dec

Visionary: Cannot

Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.

Well organized: Does too much busywork.

Will go far: Relative of management.

04
Dec

Q: How many VMS

Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Errr… Well, Ive got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, itll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb version 6.1…

04
Dec

Clinton and Saddam

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

04
Dec

Aussie cricket fan

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

Hello mate, the Aussie says.

No Australian cricket fans in heaven, replies Saint Peter.

What? exclaims the man, astonished.

You heard, no Australian cricket fans.

But, but, but, Ive been a good man, replies the Aussie.

Oh really, says Saint Peter. What have you done then?

Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.

Oh, says Saint Peter, anything else?

Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.

Hmmm, anything else?

Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.

OK, said Saint Peter, you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, Ive had a word with God and he agrees with me. Heres your $30 back, now f*** off.

04
Dec

En medio de una tormenta,

En medio de una tormenta, una tortuguita pierde su concha y desesperada va donde su abuela:

Abuelita, tengo un problema, ¿me dejas cobijarme de la tormenta en tu concha?

La abuela se niega rotundamente. La tortuguita parte donde sus hermanos:

Hermanos míos, perdí mi concha y estoy en problemas, ¿me dejan cobijarme de la tormenta en su concha?

Al igual que la abuela, los hermanos se niegan. Como último recurso parte donde su madre:

Madre mía, ¿me dejas cobijarme bajo tu concha?

Con voz materna, la madre responde:

¡Claro, hija mía!

MORALEJA:

Cuando tengas problemas, ándate a la concha de tu madre.

04
Dec

Who needs women

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him —-why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.



The man replies, Im getting my girl friend drunk!

04
Dec

What do you call a dog with no legs and steel testicles?

04
Dec

If a word is misspelled

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

04
Dec

Real signs

A large department store here had a sign in its jewellery section:

EARS PIERCED: – WHILE YOU WAIT

Like, whats the alternative? Leave your ears and collect them next Thursday?

There is a nice pair of signs in Crown St, Sydney (look for them if you come for the 2000 Olympics), which are two awning type signs which hang out over the footpath.

One is for a funeral parlour, the other is for a chicken processing factory next door.

If you walk up Crown Street, from a distance you can see the funeral parlour sign and below it the bottom of the chicken factory sign.

From that point, they appear to be one sign which reads

VALUE FUNERALS

Freshly killed daily on our premises

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