Whats the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job will still suck.

A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend.
One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay
the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from
her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three
wishes.

First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.

Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.

And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.

*POOF*

As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and
that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome
prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said,
Now Ill bet youre sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation.

Ken.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. –Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. –Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each others pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
–Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. –Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. –Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

In politics stupidity is not a handicap. –Napoleon Bonapart

Its amazing how many people beat you at golf now that youre no longer president. –George Bush

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. –Winston Churchill

Congressmen have been bought and sold so many times they should have bar codes. –Contemporary Comedy

When I was a boy I was told anybody could become President; Im
beginning to believe it. –Clarence Darrow

All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of profile that looks good on a postage stamp. –B.B. Franklin

Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame. –Meg Greenfield, in Newsweek

Every politician who runs for the presidency says he wants to turn the
country around. Thats why we have so many problems. The countrys been
turned around so many times, its going in circles. –Joe Hickman

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot have a nativity scene in
Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This wasnt for any religious reasons.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin. –Steven Israel

Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. –John F. Kennedy

I voted for the Democrats because I didnt like the way the Republicans were
running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in
the head to stop your headache. –Jack Mayberry

Former President Carter said that Bill Clinton brought
disgrace to the White House with his last minute pardon of
Marc Rich. After hearing this, President Clinton denied the
accusation and said that was not how he brought disgrace to
the White House. –Conan OBrien

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. –P.J. ORourke

When I die, I want to be buried in Chicago so I can still be active in politics. –Representative Charlie Rangel

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. –Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, Ive signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. –Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have
looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. –Ronald Reagan

I have left orders to be awakened at
any time in case of national emergency,
even if Im in a cabinet meeting. –Ronald Reagan

Politics aint worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space. –Will Rogers

Theres no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. –Will Rogers

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer Present or Not guilty. –Theodore Roosevelt

The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice. –Theodore Roosevelt

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. –George Bernard Shaw

In America, any boy may become president and I suppose thats just one of the risks he takes. –Adlai Stevenson

A politician is a statesman who approaches every question
with an open mouth. –Adlai Stevenson

After spending a year in Washington, I long for the realism and sensitivity of Hollywood. –Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson, also known for his acting career

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are
decent, hard-working, honest Americans. Its the other lousy
two percent that get all the publicity. But then – we elected
them. –Lily Tomlin

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. –Mark Twain

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. –Mark Twain (Puddnhead Wilsons New Calendar)

President Thieu says hell quit if he doesnt get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, thats not called quitting. –The Washington Post

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. –E. B. White

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. –Oscar Wilde

An American is a person who isnt afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. –Unknown

Every baby born in America is endowed with life, liberty, and a share of the national debt. –Unknown

In politics everything is possible — until you get elected. –Unknown

No mans life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. –Unknown

Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. –Unknown

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. –Unknown

The head of a goverment office retired recently. His staff threw a party for him, gave him a watch, and told him what his job had been. –Unknown

I saw my friend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger. When I pointed this out to her she said, I know, I married the wrong man.

heres one for all those who feel tired after a stressful working day…

An executive goes to see his doctor, complaining of feeling worn out all the time due to his long working hours. The doctor asks him a few questions about his lifestyle.

Doc: So, do you and your wife have an active sex-life?

Exec: Yes, doc, twice a day, once in the morning before I go to work and again last thing at night.

Doc: Hmm, and any other love interests?

Exec: Actually, my secretary, twice a day, once at eleven oclock when she brings my mid-morning coffee and again at four oclock when she brings my afternoon tea.

Doc: Hhhhmmmmm, and so you make love a total of four times a day?!

Exec: Actually, I also see my mistress twice a day, at lunch-time and we make love, and I pop round to see her on my way home from work and we make love then, too.

Doc: My God, man, no wonder youre always feeling exhausted! You really must take matters in hand!

Exec: But I do, doc, twice a day…

any resemblances between the characters in this joke and Ralph Halpern are purely coincidental

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.



This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.



The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.



The main replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldnt help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said The Gold Dust Twins are coming, and I had to smile.



Then she moved and sat under a sign that said Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling and I had to grin.





Then she placed herself under a sign that said Williams Big Stick Did the Trick and I could hardly control myself.



BUT…when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident, I laughed out loud.



Case Dismissed! said the Judge.

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

Three
men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial
was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same
kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I
brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or
youll be eaten."
The first apple went in… but on the second one
he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought
to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…
and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and
was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The
first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost
got away with it?" The second one replied, "I
couldnt help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."

What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND BEEF!

One fine day, Nate the Snake was slithering through the forest when he came upon a level on a tree. The lever said IF YOU PULL THIS LEVER, THE WORLD WILL END. Now, Nate was a curious fellow, but was smart enough to know not to pull the lever. So, he decided to make it his duty to stand by the lever and warn the other animals that came by of the danger, since he knew most of them werent as smart.
The day wore on, and animal after animal came and went. Each one wanted to pull the lever, but Nate warned them of the danger.
Soon, the day drew to a close, and Nate began slithering toward his home, when an eighteen wheeler sped by, and upset an area of several large boulders that was very close to the tree.
One broke away, and began speeding toward the tree in such a way that it would hit the lever and end the world if it was not stopped. But no large animal was there to help, and Nate knew what he had to do.
Nate curled himself up into a tight little coil in the boulders path, bracing himself. The boulder struck him and killed him, but avoided the lever and the tree, and the world was saved.

This story just goes to show you – Better Nate than lever.