Un día Tarzán sufre un accidente en donde pierde una pierna, un brazo y aquella sagrada parte.

Chita lo lleva de rama en rama de emergencia, al Hospital de la Selva. Bueno, el caso es que le trasplantan una pata de caballo, un brazo de gorila y una trompa de elefante.

Al cabo de una semana le preguntan a Tarzán:

Tarzán, ¿cómo te ha ido con tu pierna?

Déjame decirte, que con esta pata corro como un caballo.

¿Y con tu brazo?

¡Mira, muchacho, yo rompo montañas con él!, responde.

Y… ¿con aquello?

Bueno, ahí si que me ha ido mal.

¿Por qué?

¡Oh! este pendejo se la pasa cogiendo hierbas y metiéndomelas por el culo.

Tres cazadores habían seguido por mucho tiempo la pista de un animal muy raro que tenía un piel hermosa y muy cara.

Finalmente lograron obtener información importante sobre este animal. Descubrieron que sólo salía de su escondite una vez cada 10 años, de noche, y que se asustaba muy fácilmente.

Cuando llegaron al lugar donde supuestamente iba a salir el animal hicieron el trato de que pasara lo que pasara no iban a gritar ni hacer ruido. Así que se escondieron los 3, cada uno por su lado. Después de varias horas de espera oyeron un ruido, y vieron al extraño animal, y esperaron el momento ideal para disparar.

Justo cuando lo tenían en la mira, uno de ellos sale corriendo y gritando. El animal por supuesto se escondió, y van los otros dos cazadores donde estaba el asustado, lo encuentran sudando y con la respiración agitada y le preguntan que había pasado, y el les responde:

Pues estaba yo agachado y que me sale un león.

¿Y saliste corriendo y gritaste?

No, me acordé de nuestro trato y me aguanté y no me moví, pero después que me sale una serpiente venenosa.

Y entonces por eso saliste corriendo ¿no?

No, también me aguanté, pero después de la sepiente llegaron dos ardillas y se me metieron al pantalón.

¿y eso te asustó?

No, me asusté cuando las oí, ¡Nos las comemos aquí o nos las llevamos a la casa!

Llega un hombre con una media puesta en la cabeza a un banco de de semen, saca una pistola y dice:

¡Quietos todos, esto es un asalto!

Y la encargada le dice:

¡Pero si esto es un banco de semen!

Bueno, mmmm.., entonces saque todo el semen que tenga y echelo en ese bote.

Cuando la encargada termina de hacerlo, el hombre le dice:

¡Bébetelo todo!

Pero, ¿cómo me lo voy a beber todo?

Que se lo beba o la pego un tiro.

Pero…

¡Que se lo beba he dicho!

Vale vale, no se ponga nervioso.

Después de que la mujer ha terminado de bebérselo el hombre se quita la media de la cabeza y le dice:

Ves, María, como cuando quieres te lo bebes.

Manolo era estudiante de agricultura y empezó a trabajar como aprendiz de un viejo granjero. El primer día señaló un campo donde el grano maduraba al sol y le dijo al granjero:

Sus técnicas son inútiles. Yo no creo que ni un saco de maíz saque de ese terreno.

Yo tampoco lo creo, repuso el granjero, ¡eso es centeno, idiota!

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked THE BOOK and didnt find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.



Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldnt find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.



Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.



About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.



Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? God queried.



Hell yes, I remember! Said the devil.



Well, Saint Peter missed that mans name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If theyre on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS. God exclaimed!



Ill be damned if your going to get that engineer back. Hes put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS! said the devil.



Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you dont send that engineer back right away I believe Ill have to sue you!!! shouted God!!



And just where do you think youll get an attorney? replied the devil!!!!!

The Top 5 Men in a Womans life are:

1. Doctor.


2. Dentist


3. Coal man.


4. Decorator.


5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.


A Dentist says open wide.


A Coal man asks where do you want it, front or back?


A Decorator says how do you like it now that it’s up?


A Bank manager says don’t take it out you’ll lose interest!

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, Ive sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.

The professor said Ill bet you cant. Just to prove it, well trade clothes in the hotel, and Ill sit in the back.



The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the drivers presentation.



The driver said, I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. Throw out more! shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. More! he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road whos crying. They ask him why hes crying and he says A pistol hit me on the head!

They drive more and meet another boy whos crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, A rifle hit me on the head!

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk whos laughing hysterically. They ask him, Kid, whats so funny? The boy replies, I sneezed and a house blew up!

What do get when you cross a Black with a Sioux Indian?

A boy named Sue.

The other night during dinner my brother told a joke and I laughed so
hard that milk shot out my nose. The creepy part is that I wasnt
drinking milk.

– Dave George

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com